No, that man isn't leaving his wife for the woman he had an affair with
Esther Perel is the most prominent couples counselor today. She wrote the book on Affairs, she talks about how it’s not an automatic that a marriage will break-up over an affair.
I’m a Therapist too, employed at a private practice in the Chicago area and I own my Life Coach. I’ve seen several scenarios play out.
The couple wants to stay together, they fight for their marriage.
Only one partner wants to work it out, the other partner wants to leave.
The partners try for awhile, but file for divorce in the aftermath of an affair, even years after.
The partners file for divorce STAT after one partner finds out about the affair.
The partners stay together, but they neither forgive nor are they happy together.
The de factor assumption is that the wife changes the locks on the house or the husband leaves in a huff in the wake of an affair. But Therapist Esther Perel is correct, that often the husband or wife does not leave their partner for the affair person.
I break it down like this for my clients, that you have 70% that’s the life stuff and 30% that’s the fun stuff, can be any division that’s tailored to the individual. Bottom line, you have a lot on the line in your real life:
Wanting to see your kids every night
Comfortable life
Status in the community
Reputation as a family
In laws and extended family that are part of your life
Mutual friends
Your partner ups your stock to others
Financial obligations and joint bank accounts
Assets on the table
Money on the line
Routine you’re comfortable with
Memories together
Struggles you’ve helped each other through
Talents you appreciate in your partner
Raising your children together
Oh, and maybe you like your wife or even love your husband #TheresThat
The life part is predominant, many individuals will think long and hard before they walk away from their real life for an affair person.
Therapist Esther Perel is right, many couples choose to stay together after the reveal of an affair. Sometimes they dig deep in therapy, their marriage becomes stronger, they love each other more or differently after the reveal of an affair. Other times, they struggle and it remains mediocre, they stay together until they don’t. Everything is on the table, and there are many options before the demise of a marriage.
I recommend therapy, and I have been with the couple in the immediate aftermath of an affair. I’ve also seen the process through, the partners try to work it out but eventually file for divorce. There are so many factors, this is a dynamic and complex situation.
But I think what’s shocking for those on the outside looking in, is that husband doesn’t leave his wife for the affair partner and vice versa. If I see an affair that’s over a year in length, I often think there’s something more there. A lot of times the wife fell in love or the husband feels deep love, for the affair partner. If there’s time, probably the partner was getting something out of this more than sex, often emotional needs met. Not always, sometimes its truly just sex, but for women especially it can be hard not to start feeling something for the man you give your body to. And for the man, if he’s lavishing money and attention on a woman, he starts to value where he puts his efforts. It can be a crush or casual, but with time you often start to feel something for that person. Especially if you start involving real life, you meet the children or get introduced to friends, now you’re in relationship territory. Now it’s not just that woman you hide in the hotel room or the man you only see on quick vacay. Now you start to get the feels, but is it enough to give up your comfy life with your wife or the status with your husband, that remains to be seen.
The Therapist is not shocked, that the husband or wife, does not always leave their marriage for their affair. Because your family, that’s your real life and many people are loath to walk away from what they’ve built together with their partner for a little fun in the sun. You risk a lot to have an affair, but you risk even more to leave your family.
You cannot be a Therapist and not have affairs in the mix, especially if you do couples counseling, as I do. This is very niche work, can get dicey. The emotions are strong, the stakes are real and the choices have a domino effect.
For your girlfriend that’s crying to you that she found out her husband is having an affair or your guy friend who reveals his wife is having sex with another man, your role as the friend is to be empathetic. It’s not your role to tell them what to do, while you’re in outrage, you get to go home to your partner and your life. This is their choice, it’s their life. And be aware of the following:
That man isn’t leaving his wife for the woman he had an affair with.
That woman wants to stay in her marriage even if she feel in love with the man she had an affair with.
Therapist Esther Perel is correct, that many partners choose to stay together after the reveal of an affair. Your job as the friend or family member, is to support that person who’s having a hard time, after they learn about infidelity. They may love their partner, they may have no intention of leaving them. Your job as the one on the outside looking in, is to be supportive, as you too would think long and hard about leaving the life you built with someone, especially if you still love them.
Therapist Esther Perel notes that an affair doesn’t always mean the end of a marriage. It can mean that you start a new chapter in your relationship as a couple, it’s not the same but it can even be stronger, if you put in the work.
No, that man isn’t leaving his wife for the woman he had an affair with.
Yes, that woman may still love her husband even if she had sex with another man.
Everything is on the table, you have options. Each couple navigates both the choices and the consequences of those, in their own way. It’s their life to live, not yours.
rhmaldonado.com
Photo: Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky, the man doesn’t always leave his wife for the woman he had an affair with. Although why any woman with half a brain would sleep with the creep who frequented pedophile Epstein island, is beyond belief