This week in Rooting for You šæ
would you rather be respected or liked?
the suffering olympics of mental health
links - including some historical fiction recs
ā but waitā¦ everyone loves me??!! why donāt you?
When I started working at the paper mill, everyone loved me.
I know.. what a strange flex. But let me expound.
I made it my mission in life to be well-liked. I remember leaving the mill in Selma and the coworker I loved most there (a 60 year old from Autaugaville who walked with his shoulder cocked because heād been wearing a mill radio for so many years) told me that my husband would fit in well wherever we went. But me? He assured me that Iād have to work a little harder at being liked.
I was an introvert, and was still learning the art of small talk. I could be prickly, I guess. Stand-off-ish.
I took it to heart. Whether he really meant anything by that or not, I thought, āchallenge accepted.ā
I began the great assimilation into paper mill culture. I wore overalls on outage days like the guys. Iād bring the best dad jokes youāve ever heard into the control room. I would listen to the operators I worked with. I made everyone feel important - a super power of mine if I do say so myself. I started calling lunch ādinnerā because that was the North Alabama lingo (even though it makes no sense to me truly).
I got to the point where most of my operators liked me, and I had built relationships with them where I truly liked them, too. These were the kind of relationships that surpass political affiliations and religious beliefs - none of that matters when youāre unplugging pipes at 2am. All that matters is if you have a good joke or jab to lighten the mood with.
Yep, they allllll liked me. ALL EXCEPT ONE, that is.
Letās call him Bill. If I was a little prickly, Bill was a cactus.
Heād made condescending comments toward me many times about how much I still had to learn if I wanted to be successful. He would stand up and leave sometimes when Iād walk in the control room. He questioned my authority and decisions at every turn. I sometimes avoided the control room when he was on dayshift if I could - Iāll admit that.
But I would break him. Everyone else liked me, why shouldnāt I be able to get him to either? Once again - challenge accepted.
And you know what? It never happened. I visited the mill about a year after I quit, and Bill was in my old control room when I walked in. Same prickly feelings. Same desire to get up and leave the room that I was not 100% loved in (women everywhere know this feeling).
But what did I know for sure? Bill did respect me. Howād I know?
Iāve written before about the time that an employee from another department screamed at me and another supervisor because of a decision Iād made, and ended the lovely little chat with, āAre yall f***ing idiots??!ā (At which point I blacked out and dished out some colorful language of my own š).
Bill was nearby when this altercation went down. I didnāt know it, but heād been interviewed by HR afterwards to recount what heād seen.
I saw him in the parking lot a few evenings later, and he came up to me and said, āI told them exactly what happened with that bully. Iām sorry that happened to you. You didnāt deserve it.ā
BILL!!!! What in the world, my man???? First off, thank you. Second off, are we best friends now?! (The answer was no, by the way.)
In that moment I learned this: being liked is never as important as being respected.
Bill respected me and the culture I had built. But he didnāt like me, for reasons that are above my pay grade. But at the end of the day, as a leader, which would you rather have: respect + authority OR fuzzy feelings + dad jokes?
Being liked comes and goes. Someone may love your dad jokes one day, and find them to be like nails on a chalkboard the next.
Respect is much more difficult to build, but even harder to take away. So if you only have the capacity to focus on one, Iād do it over and focus on being respected.
MORE next week on how to make that happen. Subscribe here & donāt miss it ā¬ļø
ā touchy subject alert
Letās talk about mental health and a VERY interesting part of normalizing it.
As our society becomes more and more open to talking about mental health, weāre starting to see sharing our struggles as an act of bravery. And it is. There is no one this side of the Mississippi more invested in this cultural shift towards normalizing the struggles of being a human on Earth. Itās hard. Anxiety and depression are REALLY real and theyāre not a sign of weak character. They are about as much of a sign of weak character as having physical illness is. AKA - not at all.
BUT there are a couple negative byproducts of this cultural shift. And while I would never in a million years suggest we go back to sweeping mental health under the rug so we donāt deal with these things, I do think itās important to talk about.
The first one is what a lot of people refer to as āthe suffering olympics.ā Basically, āXYZ happened to you? WELL, buckle up. Because what happened to me is way worse.ā And tell me if you can relate to this - you strangely feel this need to have a story or trauma thatās worse than theirs? Because itās like a strange mark of bravery to have travelled far rockier roads than someone else? I have no judgement towards feeling this way, I have felt it too. And am often like, āwow, ok what just happened - whatās happening where I want to have been through something worse?ā
A minor example of this would be when your spouse comes home from work and says, āMan, what a day. I'm exhausted.ā And you think, āUm how dare you. I was up with the toddler at 2 am and then had to clean the house, grocery shop, and had client calls.ā And you let them have it. Ha. Take that. Youāre not allowed to be exhausted. There isnāt enough exhaustion to go around, buddy. Donāt you know that? And suddenly, they realize their error and immediately snap out of the exhaustion they were feeling. (Not.)
But pain isnāt zero-sum. You canāt *win* pain. You canāt compare your experiences to others at all, actually. Want to know why? Because we are all our own people. A well known fact in the mental health world is that two people could experience the same exact traumatic event. One could have severe PTSD from it and need years of therapy. The other very well may move on and adjust quickly. We all have different stressors, triggers, & reaction mechanisms.
You know how we get through this particular negative byproduct? Empathy. (I do feel your collective eye roll when I write things like this, BTW). But hear me out - empathy means I see your pain, I see your struggle, I SEE YOU because Iāve felt pain of my own. Itās not the same pain and who could actually say whose had it worse? And actually, it doesnāt even matter because thereās enough space for us and our pain to both exist.
And one more - sharing before youāre ready. During the #metoo movement, a lot of women got swept up in the excitement of FINALLY being seen and recognized on a public scale, for the traumas theyād endured. And this led to a lot of women sharing their story before they were healed from it - which can compound trauma in a big way.
I wonāt get into this one too much, but Iāll just say - just because it feels like everyone around you is suddenly an open book, and just because you want to be a part of the movement to normalize trauma and mental health, doesnāt mean you should do those things if they sacrifice your own mental health. Your story is your story. No one has access to it until youāre ready for them to. Guard that story until you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that youāre ready - and p.s. you may never be ready. Thatās okay, too.
We have to take the good with the bad as we fight to continue normalizing mental health. Realizing that itās not allllllllll sunshine and daisies is a good step in the right direction.
ā LINKS LINKS LINKS
My LinkedIn post celebrating 5,000 followers ā¤ļø
This site is where Iāve found both of my therapists: here. Itās a great place to start!
The book Iām reading & loving right now! The Women. BOY do I love this movement towards telling historical fiction from a female protagonistās POV. Another great author doing this is Kate Quinn.
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See you next week, friend.
& as always,
Iām rooting for you.
xx Hannah