Oh F*ck Yeah with Ruan Willow Podcast Episode 313: Kinky vs. Vanilla Navigating a Difference in Desires with Author and Therapist Stefani Goerlich. This was an epic discussion! Stefani is a certified sex therapist, a kink-affirming therapist, a master social worker, a media and intimacy consultant, an award-winning author, and a conference presenter. She’s also a podcaster at Securing Sexuality. Her book With Sprinkles on Top is a sex-positive and compelling guide for people with a desire discrepancy in relationships, particularly between kinky and vanilla partners. She assists people in navigating relationships and specializes in gender, sexuality, and relationships in her practice. She also focuses on kink and mental health and how tech fits in, especially in a constantly changing digital world. We talked about how kink is relational, but she doesn’t address the how-to’s of kink but helps people communicate regarding consent, negotiation, and how to live out healthy power exchange roles and scenarios. She talked about the commonly viewed negativity surrounding kink …it’s “either the butt of a joke or a threat”. People don’t have good models of what a healthy consensual normative kink looks like. She defines kink as whatever is unusual in its place and time, which also varies greatly across the world.
Why is novelty important?
She discussed how novelty inspires our brain’s arousal responses & we’d be bored if we were the carbon copy of our partners, She thinks hiding kinks is what leads to boring routine sex and dead bedrooms. She explained the scientific proof that kink can improve your life, increase the feel-good hormones in us, lower stress, increase closeness, and improve bonding. There have been actual scientific studies to prove this!
She also addressed how to navigate differences in a relationship and how best to prevent contempt and shaming of a partner.
Connect with Stefani: www.boundtogethercounseling.com
Podcast/conference:
https://www.securingsexuality.com
Insta: @BoundTogetherCounseling
Mastodon: @Tzefira_Neviah@ioc.exchange
BlueSky: @stefanigoerlich.bsky.social
Book (affiliate link this podcast may receive an advertising fee for purchases made through links, which are at no added cost to the purchaser): With Sprinkles on Top https://amzn.to/3qAY3Am
With Sprinkles on Top invites readers into playful and sex-positive exploration and affirms that vanilla and kinky people can thrive together in healthy relationships.
Listen to this podcast where it was originally published, listen on podcast apps: https://ohfckyeahwithruanwillow.buzzsprout.com/1599808/13430217-kinky-vs-vanilla-navigating-a-difference-in-desires-with-author-and-therapist-stefani-goerlich
More about Stefani:
Stefani Goerlich, PhD, LMSW-Clinical, LISW, LCSW, CST, is a certified sex therapist and master social worker who specializes in working with gender, sexuality, and relationships. She is a sought-after clinical supervisor, media consultant, and conference presenter who has appeared in media ranging from CNN and the Washington Post to Cosmopolitan and Teen Vogue. She is the award-winning author of the professional books The Leather Couch and Kink-Affirming Practice. Learn more at:
https://www.stefanigoerlich.com/#/
.
A bit about her new book:
More than 80 percent of adult couples in the US report a desire discrepancy between partners — a misalignment not only in frequency of sex but also in what turns them on. Many people harbor fantasies that they feel uncomfortable sharing. With Sprinkles on Top offers a positive and empowering guide to talking about and working through sexual differences — particularly between kinky and non-kinky, or vanilla, partners.
Sex therapist Dr. Stefani Goerlich helps readers explore what excites them, what they want to share with their partner, and how to communicate and try new things. With empathy and understanding, the book addresses the fears experienced on both sides of a desire divide and provides guidance for relationships of many different shapes and orientations. It offers evidence-based facts about BDSM and its effects on relationships, reassurance about what a partner’s interests might imply (or not!), support and validation of one’s own preferences, and important tips for differentiating between violence and kink. Here, readers will find specific suggestions for protecting, preserving, and strengthening their relationships despite differences in fantasy and desire.
With Sprinkles on Top invites readers into playful and sex-positive exploration and affirms that vanilla and kinky people can thrive together in a healthy relationship.
RUAN’S BOOKS/AUDIOBOOKS:
Neighborhood Sex Secrets:
Buy links:
https://books2read.com/u/3R5MZj
https://amzn.to/3CVxzw8
Decadent Erotica:
Ruan’s Books, Audiobooks:
https://books.ruanwillowauthor.com/
Planet X/Podnation Roku tv station: watch Ruan’s podcast on Sundays and Mondays at 11 pm ET. https://player.frontlayer.com/live/fl427618
Kinky vs. Vanilla Navigating a Difference in Desires with Author and Therapist Stefani Goerlich