The Real Deal: How I Want to Get Real in 2024
Last year I had to get real about some changes, but this year is different. For real.
My goals at the beginning of 2023 felt something like this:
Get out of pain
Win my confidence back
Look sexier, younger, thinner, stronger
Wage war against perimenopause
Get back in the writing race, because I was in last place
Be a better mom, wife, daughter, and friend
I became commander-in-chief in my self-help war. I started a bunch of projects, volunteered to be everything to everyone again, and tried so hard to get my mojo back. By the end of December, I was hosting everyone, eating all of the Christmas cookies I baked, and exhausted. Too many tabs open - and little to show for it.
Maybe you had some goals like this last year, too.
When 2024 hit, I was ready to pin midlife to the mat once and for all. I had a new list of solid-gold goals ready to go for my newsletter. “Age is just a number” kind of stuff, the whole bit. And then my teenage son sat me down three nights ago and everything changed.
I was hangry and in bed trying to find some trashy TV to keep my mind off of food when my he plopped down beside me. Unlike his four older siblings, he has yet to have the audacity to grow up and leave, so he's my de facto emotional support child when I’m on a diet.
“Wanna watch the Golden Bachelor Wedding with me?” I asked him, pointing the remote to the TV”
He raised a brow at the woman on the screen. “Bruh. That lady’s old, but look at her. That’s the Uncanny Valley Effect.” He shuddered for dramatic effect.
“Uncanny What?” I asked with the seasoned caution of a mother of teenage sons. I've been burned by unfamiliar terms coming out of teen boys’ mouths. When his oldest brother was 16 and told me to google “blue waffle” in front of his friends, for example. How those boys had howled with laughter at my horrified expression over the image search results. (If you don’t know what it is, I implore you not to. You’ll never be the same again.)
This was not one of those times. He took the remote and paused the show to explain.
“The Uncanny Valley Effect is basically when robots and AI look almost real but not quite, and it freaks people out. Like when real people get too much plastic surgery and stuff. That lady on The Golden Bachelor for example. She’s a grandma. Nobody believes her hair’s that color anymore. Or her face is that smooth. Look closer. Look. It’s off. Not quite real. Eerie. Why does anybody want that?”
“Well, I’m a grandma. I get Botox. I look real. Don’t I?” I asked, then rubbed the space between my eyebrows defensively. My husband is a dentist who uses Botox in his practice. He brings it home from work and shoots my forehead up while I’m cooking dinner. It’s our love language. Why shouldn’t I take advantage of the opportunity?
“Yeah, but there’s nothing wrong with your face.”
“But I don’t want wrinkles,” I said.
“Why? You’re 51. It’s normal,” he replied with irritating rationality.
“I want to look better than 51.”
“Mom, why don’t you stop trying to be perfect and just be who you are?”
Anyone else hear that mic drop?
Sometimes midlife feels like a video game, especially on social media. We get to this new level and press pause. We look around and try to make sense of the level we just beat - kids grow up and leave, maybe spouses leave, absolutely the ability to eat Taco Bell without consequences leaves. We're comparing ourselves to others, listening to “experts”, spinning our wheels, in search of some cheat code.
Lip filler, Botox, lash extensions (guilty of all) side hustles, workouts, nutrition, reading challenges, apps for efficiency, lifestyle coaches for every flavor of weakness.
OMG, I need a nap just thinking about it all.
And guess what? None of those things changes who you are inside or brings happiness. There is no prize at the end of this game. We’re here for the experience.
So I wanted to tell you how I want to change 2024 for myself. I’m going to get real with myself. And you. Spoiler alert, I’m pressuring myself less this year, so this could change tomorrow.
Chill the F Out
I'm just going to be me. I've decided to quit comparing myself to others and trying to be perfect before the completion of tasks. When other authors my age post about their new six-figure book deals, I’m going to remind myself that I am on my own path. Sure, it’s been a few years since I published a novel, but it’s ok to be where I am right now.
Beating ourselves up with a 100-pound bag of “Try Harder” only drives us deeper into the ground.
Self-talk
So, during the holidays, I was talking my daughter through some stresses in her life and had this Aha! moment - I never nurtured myself this way! This year I’m going to foster kinder self-talk through journaling and daily affirmations and research and I’ll bring it all to you, dear friends.
Close Some Tabs
I bet you can relate to this - I have too many tabs open. This year is about quality, not quantity. I am excited about focusing on this newsletter and creating meaningful midlife content. If a newsletter isn’t perfect, it’s still going out. That’s going to be hard, y’all. This perfectionist here might have to find a support group for it. But y’all matter to me. (Repeat this with me - something is better than nothing. Something is better than nothing)
Make Community Intentional
Jane Fonda says “You have to pursue the people you want to be friends with.” When women find each other, we make magic. For years, I’ve been finding my friends in the writing community. And since leaving teaching, I’ve been itching to exercise my teacher muscles again. In 2024, I’ll combine my two loves and lead creative writing and journaling. I already work with individual writers and we have the best time. I’m super excited about this next chapter! Stay tuned for more information soon.
Nap
I’m going to take naps. I’m not sorry. You should, too.
Do you want to make some changes to take the pressure off this year? Want any suggestions? I suggest starting with a list like this. See what you come up with. Have a eureka moment and want to share? Put it in the comments!
“And the Botox?” I heard someone ask in the back…This one’s up in the air. Rome wasn’t built in a day.
What a great post! Well-written and witty.
I love your emotional-support-son and we should all listen to his wisdom (though I agree-we can't totally let ourselves go, no matter what age we are:)
Thank you for sharing and I’m with your son... you are beautiful, inside and out! Closing open tabs resounded with me... I think I will follow suit and do the same!! And...
Cannot wait for your writing group!
Happy 2024!