For the first time in my adult life I have absolutely zero interest in dating. This feels so alien to me, as someone who always prioritized romantic love above all else. Above myself.
Even during the periods of time that I was single and feeling completely lost or traumatized by another person, I’d say “I’m taking a break from dating. I’m going to focus on myself and my needs. I need time” but I never really meant it. The need to date and be in a relationship always lurked under my false sense of freedom. I moved through life treating “being alone” like a disease. Just as I would reluctantly take days or weeks off of drinking before I fully committed myself to sobriety, I never really wanted to stay single for long. Love, like alcohol, was an addiction that I let overwhelm and overtake me.
I fell wildly in love when I was just 17. It was the first high that I ever experienced (other than smoking dad weed out of an apple core in my friend’s backyard). With the incredible highs of falling in reckless love as a teenager came incredible lows; I suffered whenever my ex and I quarreled, I became devastated if anything was off between us, and it physically hurt me when she was unhappy. Despite the chaos, we couldn’t get enough of each other, and I believed the anguish, anger, and bitter tears to be the inescapable price of love. Little did I know that I was solidifying my first addiction - toxic love.
“Something in you pacifies me. You’ve always had that power over me - part of you pacifies, another terrifies. How do I get sick of that? I will never get sick of that.“ Henry Miller, from a letter to Anaïs Nin
I would do anything, including ignoring my own well-being, to appease her. In those formative years with my ex, I learned the art of maintaining the peace, always walking on eggshells to avoid a disastrous fight. Her constant anger confused and frightened me. I always seemed to be doing something wrong, and was bending over backwards to fix whatever it was. The lows were so horrific that when we reached a temporary high, it felt like a momentous achievement. This high was always fleeting - I knew that the walls of bliss were bound to come crumbling down.
As this was the foundation of my romantic life, future attempts at finding love felt inauthentic and watered down. I tried to date women who were more kind and patient than my ex but I felt unfulfilled. Feeling bored, I would drop them and start looking for that cruel fix - someone that could overtake and overwhelm me. Someone that made me forget about myself. Someone I constantly needed to prove myself to. It can’t be a coincidence that I always look for women who perplex me - women who might hurt me, or not care much about me. It’s as if their indifference flips a switch on inside of me. I feel this need to prove to them that I am worth their time. They give me an inch and I feel an exhilarating rush. I crave the highs and lows of this kind of infatuation. This toxic love was always more enticing than any emotion or feeling I had ever experienced. I craved it like a junkie. I wanted to throw my life away because of it. Despite the warning signs and all the heartbreak, I would have let it destroy me.
I can’t help but connect this feeling to my alcoholism.
No dating within your first year of sobriety
Three months after I quit drinking, I decided that I was ready to look for love. It felt like “the right time”. I had been advised against this, as it is recommended to avoid dating within the first year of recovery. But I scoffed at this rule, fully believing myself to be above it. I was on a new and exciting path and I decided it was the right time to start looking for a healthy partner. What I didn’t understand at the time was that this was just another coping mechanism, like drinking, and that I was using it to distract myself from my grief and suffering.
I found exactly what I thought I wanted: someone kind, patient, emotionally mature, and beautiful. But I felt…skeptical and unsure. She was perfect but I wasn’t ready. I was used to dating as if it were a game. And my main interest was in the game, not the girl. Since I had quit drinking, this was all much clearer to me. It wasn’t time for me to date. I am addicted to a toxic kind of love, and need time to unlearn it.
I recently came to the decision to stop dating much like how I decided to stop drinking alcohol. It suddenly just felt like the only move I could make. Both dating and drinking were only making me unhappy and distracting me from important areas in my life that I wanted to work on. They both kept me from moving forward. My dating habits were unhealthy and toxic - just like my drinking was.
So many people around me seem focused on finding “the one”. Recently, I told a friend that I was taking a real break from dating. She responded “Oh, that’s wonderful. It’s not until you’re happy and doing your own thing that you finally find your person”. Like no. NO. That is not my end goal. Why must that always be the focus. I don’t want to be waiting for someone else to complete me. I want to feel complete on my own. Since I’ve stopped drinking, I feel that I have made so much personal progress. I am working to learn the ins and outs of myself. I am full of light and joy, and falling more in love with myself every day.