First, a recent review of Softening Time~
“This collection of poems is beautiful and unforgettable. Elena’s words came right off the page and into my heart… Each page held something important for me to hear. I was inspired to look inward as I read. This is the book of poetry you will want to share, and also keep safe on your nightstand. When I finished the book and closed the back cover, I reopened the front cover, to read it again…” -K.S.
These weeks, honored to play a small role with James’ mom in her process of dying with dignity. I wrote here about her choice to have a virtual pre-death celebration of her life, and here on her path to hospice. Selfishly, this is all preparation for my own death, or for the death anyone I love. And equally selfishly, I wish I’d be having this conversation with you about my own mom.
We didn’t get that chance, given forty-eight measly hours between her heart attack and her passing. All I got was a moment with her, basically comatose, during which I pried open her eyes and told her I love her, we all do, and it’s okay to go on now. I’m not even sure who was speaking, I was barely in my body. Neither of us was conscious, I realize in writing this.
So what does a conscious death look like? If you’ve been actively avoiding this inquiry, whether for yourself or someone you adore, you’re not alone. Might be good to stay with me here: What I’m learning will likely make it all easier.
Agnes Pelton, Messengers, 1932. From the Phoenix Art Museum permanent collection.
Diagnosed several years ago with ovarian cancer, James’ mom Lou underwent treatments to extend her life a number of years, traveling with James, moving to Santa Fe, enjoying inspiring evenings, friends, hikes, many adventures.
During this time, I invite Lou to talk to Nurture founder Sierra Campbell, who becomes Lou’s death doula. More on the definition of death doula in a moment. A survivor of ovarian cancer herself, Sierra’s listening ear and compassionate heart provide ongoing education for us all. In late 2023 when Lou’s treatment ceases to be effective, Sierra begins addressing with her what it means to choose hospice care in order to die in peace, at home, allowing this natural process to unfold. Ultimately she recommends a local doctor experienced with Medical Assistance in Death (MAID), whom we’ve all come to love.
Since we don’t typically have this conversation in our culture, folks like Sierra are shifting this. Do you have aging or ailing parents, siblings?
Lou’s hospice team consists of a nurse, an MD, a chaplain with a heart of gold, her friends, and us. Since there’s significant pain in her body due to the cancer, meds are equally significant; hospice is about total comfort as her body yields to the process of releasing.
There are long sleeps now, interspersed with short bursts of energy. Resistance is understandably present. She knows she’s lucky to have all this conscious care, but doesn’t really want the party to end. As her intuition gets refined in this process, she’s learning to trust herself, to have faith that if her body knew how to give birth, her body also knows exactly how to die.
She’s shedding pools of sacred tears, emotions she’s been holding in for a lifetime. Each time she cries, pockets of pain release, longings she’s hidden, both tragic and rapturous in equal measures. I can’t really explain it.
More on hospice: Lou’s DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) directive is clearly on display in the house, so there are no ambulances called, no prolonging life unnecessarily, and definitely no hospital visits.
After a compassionate conversation with her chaplain, a rough plan’s in place for her passing. First, she’ll be anointed by a priest, honoring her family of origin. Since she also feels connected to Buddhism, aligned as she is with the valences of care and compassion she’s experienced in her brief visits to Upaya Zen Center, my job is to bear witness and steady the field with the practice. Some of the sangha has indicated they’d be keen to join me too, when the time comes. I’m picturing all of us on makeshift cushions from the couch, scattered about on the floor, sitting and steadying ourselves while she passes. I’ll report back once it happens.
Since I’m away studying right now, I’ve recorded a guided meditation from Who Dies, to which she’s listening in order to practice letting go.
I’ve included my reading of it for you below.
And as promised, a note on how death doulas work with some resources, followed by a guided meditation on death for you, as well as a Save the Date for our Quarterly Subscribers Gathering.
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An emerging profession, death doulas have provided invaluable services for centuries. They offer non-medical support to the dying and their loved ones, aiding families in navigating the entire end-of-life process and embracing natural death care. As you can see. the doula helps give direction to the patient and/or the family, while the hospice team is on the ground providing the day-to-day care. There are variations, of course. But if you’re with an ailing human and would like to explore this, begin seeking out support locally.
A concise book list for death and dying is here.
A playlist i’m crafting for Lou, a work in progress:
And if studying to become a death doula calls to you, Nurture is offering a comprehensive course this February, next month. The program features expert instructors in Elder Care Management, Palliative Care, Hospice, Somatics, Natural Death Care, After Death Care, Consciousness and Psychedelics, Self-Care for caregivers, and more.
Nurture's course provides an education in end-of-life literacy: seamlessly blending practical skills with a grounded approach to spirituality and the delicate art of supporting individuals through the aging, death, and dying processes. Apply for Nurture’s Death Doula course here.
Below, a meditation for death practice that I’ve recorded for Lou. I know, we’ve been practicing savasana for eons… this piece is specific, and well worth a listen.
Thank you for being here.
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