The week started with an activity I love so much. With JHU parents weekend looming, I made a bunch of treats and snacks for my son. It is what I love to do. It filled my time and gave my now empty kitchen a purpose. First up I made batches of Nimki. A simple munchie that is very Bengali. It transfers and transports well. It is a popular offering for Indian festivals giving me a general sense of nostalgia. I ate quite a few of these while making them. Have to eat healthier next week.
Also made a big batch of cornbread. This is something that he loves. In fact, this turned out so good, I plan on taking a batch with me to work this upcoming week.
All seemed really good and squared away, until I started packing to head out alone. And then this hit me. I miss the rhythm of parenting. Possibly the only thing I have known how to do outside of work. Probably the only thing that kept the rhythm going, until now that its gone, it over now. I had a mini meltdown. It had also dawned on me, I need to pause on too many other changes. I am far to fragile. I pulled myself together and headed to Baltimore on Amtrack. Saturday started out as a rainy day. So much for my walking goals. I have also left my favorite toilet bag in the hotel I stayed in. I will know in a day if this can be retrieved.
The day cleared up turning into a absolutely beautiful day. All felt so right, once I was with my boy. Even with his father around, for a moment it felt alright. Aadi, has been screenshotting some family pictures from my Instagram. I felt sorry to hear that. I am sorting through a lot of old pictures. Just too many on my phone and everywhere else. I will confess, I am deleting a lot of “we pictures”. I just need to do that.
My week four takeaway, is that I am still fragile and I am allowed to be. Maybe not forever but for now. Sometimes, it is hard to always do the mommy thing. And hopefully rainy days will clear up and the sun will shine through.
"hopefully rainy days will clear up and the sun will shine through." So often I have had to remind myself of this, and pull myself together as you are constantly needing to do right now as well. I have no magic pill other than rest, meditation, patience and care for yourself. Thank you for sharing, and even though I may have just found your writing on this platform, I am wishing the best for you.
Rinku, I understand your sadness. Back in 2000, my only child went off to college, my husband of 20 years decided to divorce me, our beloved golden retriever passed at 14 years and I broke my ankle. Actually, all happened within three months. When I shared with a therapist, she told me that divorces happen most often after the birth of a child, when children leave home.
I love reading your letters, was worried about you, have no idea why you now are left alone, so subscribed to substack. This said, could you contact me via email, christinekingshome@gmail.com, issues I've had with substack I would like to share, though I do not want to add to your stress. Thank you so much, Christine.