Summary
In addition to posts about current and future applications of AI, I will publish stories that illustrate the more human side of teaching
These stories are all based on interactions I’ve had with students but some details might be changed for privacy’s sake
Each issue of this series will go over specific principles of how to meaningfully connect with even the most challenging students
This week’s lesson is Q-TIP
One of the best pieces of teaching advice I ever heard was from my undergraduate behavior management professor. Quit Taking it Personally, or Q-TIP. Of course, this is a lot easier said than done. But the truth of the matter is most misbehavior and acts of defiance or disrespect aren’t really about you. You just happen to the person lucky enough to be the recipient. I would like to add the caveat that some kids are just jerks. But it’s not useful to you to view them that way. Even the jerkiest of students is still a student, and therefore still a child. Like it or not, part of our job is to teach kids how to be functioning human beings. And yes, that onus should be on the parents but when you have students like that in your classroom, then obviously the students hasn’t learned those lessons about functioning in society. Somebody has to teach them, and if you’re the one to do it then you could be the first truly positive adult in that child’s life. And by doing so, you can also make your life easier and better. The best teaching advice helps us to find a balance between helping students grow as people while also reducing our friction and stress.
The real reason Q-TIP works is because it’s the foundational step towards becoming likable. I’m not saying you should try to be the students’ friend (you shouldn’t) but by golly, there’s not a single reason in the world to not be likable. I can already hear some people sharpening their pitchforks. Yes, students should respect teachers because we’re teachers and we’re there to help and educate them. But they don’t. That’s not the world we live in, and it probably never will be. This isn’t meant to excuse the behavior, not at all. Q-TIP is a mindset that allows you to deal with misbehavior effectively. The second you take it personally, the kid has won. Students are good at pushing buttons, and the tough kids are experts at it. You have to be unflappable (at least on the outside) and the first step towards unflappability is internalizing the mantra: Q-TIP.
So how do you do it?
Step one is to breathe before you react. Suppress your natural urge to call kids out. For anything except major behaviors that require immediate intervention, just give yourself time to breathe. This works for a number of reasons. One, it allows you a second to collect your thoughts and calm down. Two, it doesn’t reward negative behavior with attention. Three, it allows you time to talk with the student without drawing attention to the interaction. Remind yourself (whether it’s true or not) that the students aren’t out to get you. They aren’t specifically mad or upset at you. We only see our students a few hours a day for 180 days a year. You’re also the adult in the situation so sometimes you just have to suck it up and be the bigger and more patient person.
The next step is to focus on problem-solving— why is the student doing what they’re doing? What function could their behavior serve? I started my career at one of the worst-performing and most impoverished middle schools in our state. Let’s call it Middle School X. Now the students at MSX generally don’t have much in the way of material wealth. But you know what they do have? Social capital. Kids would engage in lifelong feuds over the stupidest (to teachers) shit. Someone insulted you in the 3rd grade? Well they better not run into you in a dark alley twenty years later. Someone scuffed your brand new shoes? Well the obvious solution is to throw down right then and there. In addition to social capital, the toughest kids also have chips with a side of shoulder. By that I mean they’re so angry at the injustices thrown their way that they’re constantly looking for a fight. And teachers are the perfect target. We’re “authority” figures, we’re constantly telling them what to do, and we’re a great way to gain social capital. After all, telling teachers to go fuck themselves is a great way to look cool in front of your friends.
Ideally, defiance and disrespect would be met with consequences from admin. But there are many flaws with a reliance on external enforcement for consequences. One, doing so is predicated on having competent administration who know how to deal with tough kids. Two, you also have to have admin willing to put up with the shitstorm of enforcing consequences. The kids with the worst behaviors didn’t get it from nowhere, and having to deal with their parents isn’t pleasant for any staff member. Three, what consequences are really going to be effective for a kid who doesn’t want to be in school? A suspension is a reward (and also harder and harder to do these days). In school suspension is not much better because it’s just a place for kids to hang out with their equally disruptive friends. Lastly, relying on someone else to deal with the kid dis-empowers you. It shows the kids that you aren’t able to deal with them on your own.
Early in my first year of teaching, we had an evacuation drill that involved walking through the neighborhood to the nearby post office. On the way there, we saw a nice old lady gathering apples in her yard and waving at the kids. “Evan”, one of my students, ran up to the lady and asked for an apple. Stupidly, she gave him one and opened the flood gates. All my students flowed towards her and began demanding apples. She handed a few out but realized that there were more kids than apples.
“You gave him one and he’s an asshole!”
“That’s gay man, just gimme an apple.”
Eventually, I herded most of my cats, but a few couldn’t get past the idea that this old lady wouldn’t capitulate to their demands.
“Fuck you, bitch!” Evan yelled as he began pelting apples in her general vicinity.
It wasn’t until we were about fifty feet from the school that things got even worse. “Frank” and “Josh” were two of my more… interesting students that year. Frank was tiny, but what he lacked in height he made up for in misplaced anger and defiance. He was the poster child for Oppositional Defiance Disorder. Telling him to do anything was a surefire way to guarantee that he wouldn’t just do the opposite, he’d do the most disruptive and hateful thing possible.
So of course these two all-stars decided that “two for flinching” was the best use of time in the middle of the road during the tail end of an evacuation drill. By the time I saw what was happening, it was already too late. Josh couldn’t believe that Frank had the gall to actually punch him on the arm when he flinched. So the natural progression was for the two of them to chase each other through the cars and into traffic. I managed to wrangle them out of the road but Josh saw the opportunity to get revenge and he swung as hard as he could at Frank who managed to dodge the punch. Josh then managed to land a solid hit on the tree behind his intended target. Josh bent over and screamed while grabbing his hand.
I recount this story because it’s funny and Josh didn’t actually break his hand. But the interactions that day epitomize the mindset of the most difficult students. Nothing is their fault. I’m sure on some level, the kids must know that they’re in the wrong but the kids with the most challenging behaviors aren’t the ones with the ability to reflect honestly or the self-esteem to consider that they might be in the wrong. Josh wasn’t to blame for hurting his hand, it was Frank’s fault for making him mad and then dodging the punch. Evan wasn’t to blame for throwing the apple at the little old lady, she was being unfair.
I was absolutely mortified by their behavior, and I let the students know it when we got back to my room. Even back then, I understood enough to make it clear that my issue wasn’t my students as people. It was their behavior. What I didn’t get was that the behavior wasn’t them trying to insult me, it was just them being kids with poor impulse control. I demanded that my students write an apology letter and shockingly, they did. But their behaviors didn’t change. They went through the motions because I do think even during my first year, I was still pretty damn good at connecting with kids. So they did what I asked, but compliance is not the same as an actual change in behavior or mindset. This was a lesson that I learned over and over at Middle School X. You can browbeat students into complying (sometimes) but that won’t change behavior. Not in the long term, at least. I had connected with the students enough that they were willing to do something they didn’t want to do, just because I asked. But the thing I had asked them to do wasn’t effective. A coerced apology is not a real apology. They didn’t know why they should be sorry in the first place. On the bright side though, if you can authentically connect with your students, they’ll do the dumb stuff you ask them to even if they don’t always agree with it.
My students acting out wasn’t a personal attack on me as their teacher and luckily I was able to keep it together well enough that my discussion with them about that day wasn’t a personal attack on them. Just as we shouldn’t take things personally, we should endeavor not to make things personal either.
Conclusion
Embrace the Q-TIP (Quit Taking It Personally) mindset when dealing with student misbehavior.
Misbehavior is often not about you; view students as children who need guidance in becoming functioning human beings.
Breathe before reacting to give yourself time to collect thoughts and avoid rewarding negative behavior with attention.
Focus on problem-solving to understand the reasons behind a student's behavior.
Connect authentically with your students for better compliance and understanding.
Avoid making things personal while addressing issues; focus on the behavior, not the individual.
I’d love to hear your stories about how you cope with some of the more egregious behaviors we see!