i have to be real with you: i love and hate how the universe looks out for me, more specifically in friendships. because what if i wasn’t ready to let them go? but that’s a dumb question because there’s no point to it. no matter how ready you may or may not be, they will still leave your life in the manner they so chose — and that is out of your control. when i think about this, there’s a mix of frustration and painful wistfulness. but also a deep sigh of resignation and acceptance. [sad cowboy emoji]
i have this theory that in my life, friendships have an expiration date. i’m not trying to prove this wrong or right; it simply hangs in the back of my mind, waiting to see if the world will reactivate it. at one point, i thought i finally found friendships that would prove this theory wrong, but as you’ve guessed from the title, it didn’t go the way i thought it would. and as somebody who only has air/fire signs in their chart, it pains me to admit that losing people is hard. i can’t brush it off so easily this time, like i’ve done with previous friendships. oh, i’m sure i can convince myself that the friendships i’ve lost recently aren’t that special, that the world is so big that i won’t even miss their presence, and sure, yes, i can go down this path but i’ve already done that before and it leaves me with an empty feeling.
maturity is a shining light on your past actions that have not served you. i’ve lost past friendships and shrugged them off without so much as a backwards glance because if i regret losing them, then (in my old mindset) that makes me lose. that makes me feel pathetic and tired and hurt (and human; i didn’t know this yet). there was a lot less pain, yes, but also a lot less love. i thought less pain made it worth it. but after recently losing some of the most important friendships i’ve had in my life1, i was stuck at a new crossroads. to forget? or to keep that love in my heart for them? less pain less love? more pain more love? how do i balance those? is there a right answer? because i didn’t want to suffer. i hate pain. i needed to look out for my future self, so which decision would be best?
romantically, i would choose more love. why would i want to forget them? practically, i would choose less pain. why would i not want to forget them? realistically, i didn’t know what the fuck i was doing to do. my mercurial mind went back and forth for months.
but then i realized: why am i trying so hard to intellectualize reconciling my loss? this was the real question, the heart of the matter i was stuck on. then more questions popped up in my mind2, with no definite source and no definite answers: how do i let myself feel this loss when i’m not sure if it’ll break me? why am i trying to control my emotions? are my lost friends dealing with this too? how do i unmiss people?
then after traveling for months, deep conversations with strangers, dealing with memories, staring at the ocean, pushing myself to new depths — i reached my conclusion with another great sigh of resignation and relief: there is nothing for me to do except reflect on how much i have loved and how much i was loved. if i grew as a better person because the relationship didn’t work out, then it did exactly what it was supposed to do. thank u <3 next.
do i still feel the pain? fuck yeah i do. it pops up time to time. i’m never ready when it does. it’s a shot to the heart every time. but. but. that love? it actually lingers longer.
“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”
— A.A. Milne (Winnie-the-Pooh)
so to my old friends: i hope you’re okay out there. across this great distance, it is filled with love. i hope that when you drive off into the night, you can still hear me screaming after you, “thank you for existing!”
outgrown, by ariana grande3
they were my found family. picnics, holding hands and sharing beds like little kids (alexa, play “ribs” by lorde). ride-or-die, they had my whole heart.
can you tell i’m a gemini mercury
“outgrown/outgrew/outgrow” was scrapped off of thank u, next. it’s believed that the song is dedicated to ariana’s childhood friend, alexa luria. back in 2020/2019, they had an argument of some sort and at some point, ariana unfollowed her. the song is about a friendship breakup, rather than a romantic one.
Kinda want to print this one and hang above my desk ngl
Thank you for writing such a lovely piece <3
loved this so much<333