Boundaries June Challenge Part Three
Learn what empathetic assertiveness is, and how to start building these skills
Welcome to the third newsletter in this series on boundary setting. This one focuses on empathetic assertion skills and some important reframing about boundaries.
There are boundary pushers everywhere, and when our boundaries are constantly pushed, this leaves our assertiveness reserves under pressure or empty, and you end up giving away your time, your effort, your energy, and you end up feeling resentful or under strain.
You might find yourself saying yes to things where you actually want to say no. Equally, you might end up saying no to things when you want to say yes. And whilst you're doing this potentially with the best of intentions, if your boundaries are repeatedly crossed, then you quite often feel like you're being a passenger in your, in your own life rather than controlling things. Unfortunately, when your boundaries are repeatedly tested, repeatedly pushed, not only is that exhausting, but also it might then lead you to take on too much. You might start to struggle to manage your workload and the expectations of yourself at work and might ultimately lead to burnout. For those of us that are burnt out, our pressurised work environments, the never ending demands from our work, makes it incredibly difficult to assert our boundaries and never more so than when we experience that awful guilt that comes often hand in hand with them.
Often the people who find it hard to maintain their boundaries are the most caring and empathetic ones. We worry that if we say no to people that will be perceived as rude, selfish, or arrogant, or that our colleagues will be negatively impacted by us saying no, or the service gets affected by us saying no. But here’s the thing: having boundaries that you consistently implement actually helps your colleagues and loved ones. They will feel safe and be grateful for knowing exactly where they stand with you, and they will have a much clearer idea about what it is that you are available for- and what you are not. Of course there will be push back once you start to enforce your new confidence in your boundaries, but with time the push back will get less as people familiarise themselves with your new outlook. This means that you will feel happier and less stressed and you can start to create a job or career that serves your needs. You can conserve your energies for the tasks that you do take on, meaning you have more time and enthusiasm for them. The work that you do will be more productive and of better quality so you can serve others better ultimately if you maintain your own personal and professional boundaries.
Boundaries are more important than ever because it's all too easy to give into that obligation of saying yes to everything, even if it puts your wellbeing or your performance at work in jeopardy.
One of the difficulties with boundary assertion is that the type of work that destroys our boundaries, such as healthcare, caring, social work etc, is often the work where more is put on the individual because of systemic failures such as chronic underfunding and lack of resource. It’s very hard to push back against this, because you know that in doing so there might be someone that suffers as a result. This person might be a colleague, a patient, a client. If you don’t do the work, who does?
I’ve been that person who took on more and more in order to offset the effects of a toxic workplace and systemic failures. And do you know what happened? I burnt out hard and fast. I ended up in a mental health crisis that has taken years of hard, deep work and change to allow me to continue to stay well and be a doctor.
Here’s the thing. The system doesn’t care. If you go off sick, or never return to your work again, the system will replace you with someone else. As brutal as it sounds, if you die tomorrow, the wheels keep on turning.
Your work place and the service it provides should never consistently rely on your individual good will and sacrifice in order to sustain it. In these jobs, weaponised guilt is what the system depends on to keep going. And the outcome of this is burnout.
Trust me when I say that my burnout was the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I learned the hard way that boundaries are essential for my mental wellbeing, and my continued ability to work. And, I figure that I can have more impact and do good things that I continue to work than not. If boundaries are the way that I can achieve this, so be it.
Pooja Lakshmin, MD, talks about the difficulties that some of us face with that dilemma of who is going to do the work if I don’t? This is her advice if you are in this situation:
“Your boundary is in the space between when someone asks you to do something, and when you respond. You have 3 choices: yes, no, or negotiate. The boundary is The Pause, not the No. Depending on your social determinants of health, your life circumstances, and your identity, No might not always be an option, but The Pause is. Depending on your place in the caste system, no is not always available. But, the pause – your ability to stop, think, reflect on what’s in front of you, and how you come to it, is available”
I love Pooja’s reframe about what boundaries are. The Pause is accessible to all of us, regardless of the circumstances of our work.
When you figure out the limits that you need to set in your work life or your interactions with your colleagues, then you can clarify where your needs lie. Think of it as a standard that you set for yourself.
Boundary setting is getting a bit of a bad press at the moment, because some people (largely fuelled by popular and poor psychology tropes on social media) are seemingly using it as a means by which to behave selfishly or narcissistically. I’ve seen accusations about selfish boundary setting being thrown around on social media to a group of people whose boundaries are obliterated to the point that it has caused them psychological harm (through burnout, anxiety, people pleasing etc). For these people, restoring those boundaries is not selfish, it is essential for recovery.
Setting boundaries in people pleasing and burnout is not about behaving selfishly or becoming the main character. It’s about correcting the imbalance. Neither is it about ignoring the needs of others. It is not an excuse, opportunity, or want for conflict or judgement of other people either.
Boundary setting primarily should be about employing empathetic assertiveness. Empathetic assertiveness is all about standing up for your own rights in a way that is respectful for the rights of others. It shows that you are sensitive to the situation they are in, and/or the way that they are feeling, but helps the people pleaser to start to correct some of the imbalances in their relationships that are negatively affecting their mental health and wellbeing.
Empathetic assertion is how you can achieve boundary setting in burnout and people pleasing- an essential part of your recovery process!- without risking selfishness or main character syndrome.
Empathetic assertiveness is all about standing up for your rights in a way that is respectful for the rights of others. In burnout, these conversations are essential for recovery, but they are very hard to start doing.
In order to have courageous conversations where you are able to start to implement your boundaries in burnout or people pleasing, you must consider the right time and place to have the conversation not just for your own comfort, but that of the person you will be having the conversation with too. It’s essential to plan, rehearse and prepare.
Here are my top tips for doing this well:
1. Use “I” statements (I want, I need, I feel). This is where you talk about how you feel and the situation you’re in, rather than telling the other person what they are doing to upset you or challenge your boundaries.
A good way to structure this might be:
“I feel X when you do Y”
“I feel X when you do Y because Z”
….and then follow up your statement with a request for behaviour change.
eg. “I can see you are busy and you don’t want to be interrupted, and I’d really like to discuss this with you now, because there’s a deadline approaching”
2. You can always start with a softener eg, “I’d really like to help you, but…”. This demonstrates to the other person that you are being considered of their thoughts and feelings.
3. Remember that you don’t necessarily have to practice your assertiveness skills in person to start with (or ever if you don’t want to!). You can chose to do this via text or email if you don’t feel ready to do this face to face.
4. Practice what you want to say with others, or in front of the mirror. Imagine the conversation playing out. What barriers or responses do you anticipate coming up, and how can you allow yourself to respond in a way that is respectful and calm? Ask yourself, “what is the worst case scenario here?” and think of a response. Practicing will help you gain confidence.
5. A good way to get started is to be assertive in less challenging situations first. Consider your assertiveness to be like doing weight training in the gym- you don’t head to the rack to squat more than your bodyweight as a beginner! Start small and light and build up gently.
6. Whilst no is a complete sentence, offering alternatives, or other solutions that don’t push your boundaries, can be helpful for the person that is making the request of you, and also demonstrates that their comfort is important.
7. Remember that for some of us, The Pause is the way to manage the dilemma and guilt of wondering who will do the work if you say no. It can still be empathetic to use The Pause.
The Burnout Doctor Journal task for this week:
PIck one of the pieces of advice above and challenge yourself to use it irl
Please let me know how you are getting on with this email series on boundary setting! I’d love to hear your thoughts. Join me next week for the final challenge email, which is a practical exercise to help with self compassion. Please share with others if you are finding this series helpful.
Lots of brilliant points here, thank you for sharing. Boundary setting is not something I was ever taught in medical school - and yet they are essential to survive in healthcare. I’ve found the principles of non violent communication really helpful in this regard - lots of overlap with empathetic assertiveness x