Boundaries June Challenge Email Four
Boundary setting is tough, especially for caregivers, people pleasers and empaths, and learning self compassion as you reclaim yourself is key. Consider this one a hug in an email!
Welcome to the final of this month’s emails, which are all focussed on boundaries. So far we have covered:
What boundaries are
Why they are so important for mental wellbeing, as well as burnout prevention and recovery
How boundaries are helpful for others
Empathetic assertion skills
Reframing the guilt
We have gone through practical exercises to help with:
Identifying how healthy your boundaries are
Identifying your sphere of influence
Working out where your boundaries are being pushed, and how to change your response to them
How to start working on your empathetic assertion skills
In this newsletter, I want to touch on the impact of guilt on boundary assertion, and how it really stops us from doing the things that matter.
How do you deal with the guilt of letting people down? And, deeper than that, how can you start to deal with the guilt of feeling that you “should” be able to work and cope without adjustments?
I think remembering that your boundaries don’t just benefit you but they also help others is really helpful. This reframing is a simple thing to do, but can have big impacts on how you think about your boundaries, and it will give your permission to really start to explore them. We have covered this in earlier newsletters, but I thought it was worth mentioning again in this context.
The guilt though- oh, the guilt. It is NEXT LEVEL. It is something that is really fundamental to work on when it comes to boundary setting, because at the end of the day if you don’t feel that you deserve change, if you don’t feel that deserve better, if you don’t feel your mental health and emotional needs are equal to those of others, then you’ll never be able to assert your boundaries.
One of my favourite techniques for managing The Guilt is to use some therapeutic techniques. In ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) you don’t learn to challenge the thoughts of guilt, rather you make space for them and then go and do what matters in a value-driven way regardless.
Defusion is a great technique to make space for these thoughts. When you start to feel guilty about your boundaries, repeat in your head “I am feeling guilty about XYZ”. See how it feels and play with the words. Then, say to yourself, “I am noticing that I am feeling guilty about XYZ” and do this several times. Observe how you feel in your mind and body. Then, say to yourself, “I am observing that I am noticing that I am feeling guilty about XYZ” and again see how you feel. Hopefully., with time and practice (because therapy is like physio for the mind- you need to do it regularly to see the benefits!!) you will start to notice those guilty thoughts have a less significant impact on how you feel, and on your actions too.
During these email newsletter series I have shared some ideas for doing some quite difficult things in -I hope!- a gentle and caring way. Whilst this email is focused on managing guilt and practicing self compassion, I want to give you a bit of tough love. I hope that’s ok, but I do feel that I need to say this.
Empathetic boundary setting requires you to change your actions and behaviours, often after years of berating yourself, criticising yourself, and putting the needs of others before yours. If your head is anything like mine was during my burnout crisis, it is likely to be an overwhelmed and exhausting place to exist in. Engaging with behaviour change when you’re exhausted, overwhelmed and have an obliterated sense of self worth is not easy.
Broadly speaking, you can change how you act in 2 ways. You can either change your thoughts and how you feel about yourself, and then when you feel a bit better about yourself, change will follow.
Alternatively, you can change your actions and behaviours in spite of any negative thoughts, and at the same time make space and room for those thoughts. The difference with this approach is that you’re not changing those thoughts, but your behaviour changes regardless. It’s a more efficient way of engaging with behaviour change, and accepts that sometimes times are going to be tough and that there will be times that your head becomes a difficult and exhausting place to exist. This is the normal human experience. There’s a concept in ACT that you can feel all the guilt and unhelpful thoughts - because that’s real life, right? None of us sail through life without having to weather storms- and then you just go and do the scary thing that is going to push you forward in a way that is in alignment with your values and goals regardless. I’d include boundary setting in this. I’ve worked as a doctor for 15 years now and let me tell you that my job gives me enormous privilege. I know from painful and distressing experiences with patients and their families that life is short. It is far too short to waste time not doing the things that allow you to make the most of life.
Because I practice what I preach, I want to tell you that I am currently doing some very new and scary things with my life and career right now, and my inner Imposter is WILD. But, I have come to the conclusion that I just need to get on and do it all despite all those awful thoughts of guilt, worry, anxiety and the “I’n not good enough” story. And do you know what? I haven’t felt this good and confident in my decision making in years. Yes I’m terrified, but I’m still pressing on and doing what matters. If you’ve gone through this series and want to make change, but you don’t really feel you’re in the right place to do so, I ask you: do you really have time to wait to do weeks, or more likely, months to engage with therapy in order to change how you think and feel about yourself, before you then start to change how you act and how you live your life? Our time on earth is shatteringly short. Take the bull by the horns and make those changes. Feel the fear and do it all anyway. Use the exercises I’ve shared and assert those boundaries in a way that is empathetic and gentle and experience the positive changes you can make to your life by doing so.
Ok, tough love over! To end, I am going to share a practical exercise to help with self compassion.
I thought this would be a good thing to end the series on for several reasons:
People whose boundaries are repeatedly pushed and violated often struggle with confidence and low self esteem. If this is you, this exercise should help you to realise that you too are worthy of kindness and compassion.
For those that have fallen into the trap of people pleasing, or those whose needs are consistently put before the needs of others (mothers, I particularly see you here), this exercise will help you to find the strength to know that your needs matter just as much as everyone else’s.
For those that are caregivers, whose boundaries have been pushed because you are driven by the values of altruism, compassion and kindness, this exercise is designed to help you experience some of the compassion you feel for others when I know that it might not be forthcoming in other areas of your lives.
For those of you that are now gently pushing back with your boundaries, well done, this takes tremendous courage. Having compassion for yourself as you do difficult things is incredibly important.
The exercise is the Bowl of Kindness exercise, which is one that I have been taught in my Acceptance and Commitment Therapy training. Both CBT and ACT are evidence based in the treatment of burnout, and for me ACT in particular has been an absolute game changer. I cannot tell you how transformative it has been for me to engage with this particular type of therapy- which is why I’ve now trained in it!
I’ve added the Bowl of Kindness exercise as an audio file, so that you can sit quietly and listen to the exercise in real time. Please do take the time to listen to it. I’ve adapted it from a resource on my ACT course with Russ Harris- many thanks to him for sharing this exercise.
Your Burnout Doctor Journal task for this week:
Practice defusion or listen to the self compassion exercise.
Thank you for joining me on this email challenge series on boundaries. I really, truly help that it has been helpful for you in some way.
The Burnout Doctor Journal will continue to be a free weekly newsletter, but from July onwards the challenge series will be available to paid subscribers only. The paid subscriptions are on for those of you who find value in what I bring to your life and who have the extra financial and energetic means to support my work. It’s just $5 a month, or $50 if you subscribe annually. For those of you who have extra and choose to send support my way, I am incredibly grateful.