TO ITALY, WITH NONNA. (Part 1 of 3)
My once-in-a-lifetime adventure through Italy with my Grandmother for her 80th birthday.
It was Christmas 2018. I had one, secret gift left to pass to GK (Grandma Kay). I handed her a bag that had three individually wrapped items. As she opened them, she laid each one of them out in front of her: a map of the world, a small notebook, and a new luggage tag that said “your adventure is waiting”. It took her a moment, and then she looked up and said, “well, are we going somewhere?”
Thus began a 10-day adventure across the world, to Italy, with my soon-to-be 80-year old Grandmother.
Let’s take it back a bit, shall we?
Back in 2015, GK was diagnosed with breast cancer. This took a heavy toll on my entire family, but it was especially hard on my Mother, who also happened to be one of GK’s best friends. They did everything together, and my Mother was very protective of GK. Naturally, the strongest person during this hard moment in our lives…was GK.
We always said that GK was 75 going on 40. She was small and mighty, but she had a lot of life left in her. She always seemed so much younger than the rest of the Grandparents I had encountered, up until that point, and she even looked the same age as some of my friend’s parents. Between traveling around the U.S. with friends, playing cards and drinking wine with her gals, and enjoying all of the restaurants my tiny hometown had to offer…she kept herself busy. She had a great life. She had lost her husband back in 1999/2000, so she had been on her own for quite some time now. Because of this, I feel as though she was always with us, wherever we went.
You literally could not have met a nicer person in this world than GK. She devoted her life to serving others, and she would check in on anyone and everyone to see how they were doing. My Grandparents saved their pennies, and GK had put in 30+ years at the Unemployment Office, so she was full steam ahead on enjoying life to the best of her ability. In a town of roughly 25,000 residents, it seemed as though everyone knew who she was.
I remember the day I got the call about my Grandma. My sister was crying, and she said she had nothing but bad news. I was driving, so I pulled over in a random neighborhood and received the biggest gut-punch of my life, up until that point.
The stages of grief are funny, because you will eventually go through all of them, but I immediately went straight to depression. I don’t think I had ever really been depressed, up until that point, and it was a horrible feeling that I could not shake.
I live in California, and the rest of my family lives in St. Louis. So, selfishly, I felt completely useless. I was/still sort of am a codependent person; I LOVE to fix things and take care of other people. My ego took over, and I blamed myself for all of the things I could not do because I chose to move away. To no one else but myself…I was the asshole.
To this day, I still beat myself up about how I initially took the news.
The doctor told us the scans came back somewhat “positive”. GK was officially diagnosed with Stage-2 breast cancer, if I can recall, so there was a lot of optimism that she would go into remission if we followed the doctors recommendations and followed through with chemo and radiation.
My family came together, like I have never seen them before, and they all used a sign-up sheet to decide who was driving GK to the hospital for each of her appointments over the course of the next year. It was a team effort, and I was so proud to call this group my family.
Family life can be hard — we all have our problems — but I had realized that this family stuck together. In our first real moment of death knocking at the door, we kicked the damn door down and looked death straight into the eye and said, “not GK, not this time!” This always makes me think of the incredible quote, by Alexandre Dumas, from The Count of Monte Cristo:
“Life is a storm, my young friend. you will bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes you a man is what you do when that storm comes. You must look into that storm and shout, as you did in Rome, “Do your worst! For I will do mine!” Then the fates will know you, as we know you.”
We prayed, we cried, and we waited.
After what seemed like an eternity, GK was officially cancer free and fully into remission. I’ll never forget the day we all showed up to the hospital, wearing our “Kay’s Crusader” shirts, and watched her RING THE BELL.
In our eyes, GK was back!
…“Well, are we going somewhere?”…
My entire family looked at me, bewildered, and I smiled and said, “pack your bags, Grandma!”
Still confused, GK said, “but what are we doing?” My Mother and I laughed, and I said, “I’m taking you on a trip, Grandma. Open that map, find a place you’ve always wanted to go to, and that’s where we will go. There are only two rules: it must be somewhere outside of the United States, and it must be somewhere you have never been before.”
Then came GK’s go-to response, “oh, good grief…”
Over the course of the next few months, GK thought of different places she wanted to visit. Understandably, she landed on Italy and Ireland. My Grandma was a devout Catholic, so I pretty much assumed we would be going to one of these places. At this point, I had already been to both countries, so I was happy to go back with my newfound familiarity of each destination.
After a while, GK landed on Ireland. She called me up and said, “I know you just went to Ireland, but I think that’s where I want to go.” I said, “pack your bags, Grandma!” The Emerald Isle is a magical destination, and I was happy to go back. So, I started planning this new adventure; however, a few short weeks later, GK called me in a bit of a panic and said, “Gregory, I’m sorry to do this, but I think I want to go to Italy, instead. Is that okay?” I laughed, “of course, GK, as you wish!”
Selfishly, I DID want to go back to Italy. I had been the a year before, for a wedding in Amalfi, so there was a lot I still wanted to see. Amalfi is amazing—we had an absolute blast—but I did want to see some of the classic Italian tourist spots like Rome, Tuscany, and Venice. The latter, which we’ll get into more later, was on the top of my list.
Trip planning of any kind, let alone for a European vacation, can be time consuming, stressful, expensive, and hopeless. Simply put, I believe that most people do not travel because they do not know where to begin and they always think it will be incredibly expensive.1
“Money, of course, is still needed to survive, but time is what you need to LIVE. So, save what little money you possess to meet basic survival requirements, but spend your time lavishly in order to create the life values that make the fire worth the candle. Dig?” - Rolf Potts
I, on the other hand, love trip planning; I feel as though it is a secret, special skill I have. I look at trip planning and think to myself, “how do we do everything we want to do while also staying within our budget?” Short answer: you read…A LOT. There are some things that I truly believe you just need to “throw money at” (more on that later) but I feel as though research can really answer any question/solve any problem you may have. I have been a middle-class citizen my entire life, and I have been on more international vacations than most people I know.
The one problem I did continuously run into, while planning, was the fact that I would forget how old my Grandmother actually was. Should we rent Vespa’s and zoom around the cobble-stoned streets of Rome? Yes! Should we stuff our faces every opportunity we could, hungry or not, with all of the gluttonous treats Italy has to offer? Of course! Should we power all the way through the first day, after the long-haul overnight flight, so we could try to go to sleep at a normal time? Duh! As exciting and tempting as all of these options can be…things “move” differently when you’re with an 80-year old.
Let me explain…
Here is a short, off-the-top-of-my-head list of some serious travel “norms” that did not exist for most of my Grandma’s life:
-Booking Online/Online Check-In
-TSA protocols (or as I like to call TSA agents, Death Eaters2)
-Electronic boarding passes
-Airline apps for all of your necessary information
-Smart phones
-Online guides and reviews
-Google Maps
-AirBnB (this is the BIG one for me)
Basically, anything revolving around the advent of the internet and the beautiful resources that have followed, because of its creation, did not exist for most of my Grandmother’s life. So…the internet, to keep it short.
On top of all of the technological advances that my Grandma has absolutely no idea about, the other main factor to think about, when traveling with an 80-year old, is movement.
If you are planning to travel to Italy (or any, old European city for that matter) you must plan on walking…a lot. To me, walking is the best way to see the city the way it is supposed to be seen. I want to get lost down a street that doesn’t exist on Google Maps; I want to pop into a restaurant or store based off of the visuals and smells; I want to see what the locals are doing, so then I can then go do that, without my entire itinerary being based off of another American traveler’s experience(s). Walking around in another county, to me, is the beginning of learning about another culture. There’s a time and a place to view life from a hop-on/hop-off bus window—trust me, I’ve been there—but walking will help you be more aware of your surroundings while also being less prone to dive into your time-suck devices. I digress.
Anyway, back to GK, and back to movement…
As much as GK loves to walk, and loves to be outside, her weathered, little legs can’t handle the amount of steps an old European city requires—I would say you can immediately double or triple the amount of steps you would normally take in one, obese, heart-diseased American day. So, to plan accordingly, I needed to get crafty and switch up a few things I would otherwise not do:
-I needed to make sure that we got a taxi or Uber whenever we could
-I needed to make sure that we would only take trains for longer rides (i.e., train from Rome to Florence, train from Florence to Venice, etc.) as train stations can be jam packed with tourists, commuters, and street hawkers
-I needed to make sure our Hotel/AirBnB provided a solid access point to many attractions/shops/restaurants, so, if needed, there were plenty of easily accessible entertainment options
-I needed to make sure any tour booked was a smaller, more intimate tour, so GK felt like she was part of the tour and not just some innocent bystander
-I needed to pack as light as possible, because telling your Grandmother “try to pack lightly” is as laughable as it sounds, but also painful because, in reality, I would be the one who would be schlepping her shit around the country
Aside from all of these practical acknowledgements…at the end of the day, I never wanted GK to be stressed or physically exhausted; this was going to be a once-in-a-lifetime trip, and I wanted her to enjoy every second of it without ever having to worry about all of the small, tedious things. Note to self: when taking your 80-year old Grandma on a European vacation, prepare to be the one to worry about all of the small things. As Joe Dirt said, “You gotta keep on keepin’ on. Life’s a garden: dig it.” Yeah, that’s right…I did just quote Joe Dirté.
Not long after planning had started, I received a phone call from my Mother:
Mom: “Gregory, I’m going with you guys to Italy.”
Me: (Dumbfounded) “What? You hate traveling.”
Mom: “I’m going. I want to go with Mom, so count me in. I’m going.”
Me: “Do you think this is something you’re up for? For someone that doesn’t travel, it can be a lot…”
Mom: “Yes, I will love it, and because Mom is going it will make me go, too.”
Me: (very long pause) “Alright…here we go…”
So, now I had two non-travelers to take care of—one of them was 80 years old, the other was my anxiety ridden, recently injured Mother.
For most of my life, my Mom was very adventurous. She loved to hike, walk, swim, play sports, or generally do anything that was in the sunshine — she loved to be outdoors. When I was a kid, we’d go fishing and water skiing, and she coached both of my sisters in softball and volleyball. For all intents and purposes, my Mom was much more active than most.
My Mom traveled for work, quite often, and she would usually spend a significant amount of time in another city, and then come back home every two weeks to be with my Stepdad. This would change every year, year after year, each time presenting itself with a new adventure, of sorts. Years after I moved to Los Angeles, my Mom said she was coming to Southern California for her job. My Stepdad was semi-retired, at this point, so he was coming with her. They rented a beautiful, top-floor condo, right across from the beach, that had a killer ocean view. If they were going to come live out here for a bit, you bet your ass they were going to get their money’s worth.
For the first few months, we had a blast; it was the first time I saw them having fun, every weekend, with no responsibilities, as it was now in my adult life. They planned mini-adventures around the city, and for the first time, in a long time, they were enjoying life outside of the gloomy, flat Midwest. Everything was going so smoothly, until it wasn’t…
One afternoon, a month before my parents were going back to Maui to celebrate their wedding anniversary, I received a call from my Stepdad. He said my Mom had an accident. She was carrying her dogs (she obnoxiously carried those damn dogs everywhere) down the top steps and started to lose her balance. At the last moment, she caught herself and fell backwards on her butt; however, the inevitable disaster that ensued was caused by the leg that somehow found its way underneath said butt. As she plopped down, not realizing the leg was underneath her, it all happened in an instant…she broke her tibia and fibula in half, while simultaneously shattering her ankle. She screamed bloody murder until a neighbor came over and called 9-1-1.
The first few weeks were so bleak that I called my Grandma and told her she needed to fly out and be with my Mom. She agreed, and when she arrived I think she was as shocked as she had ever been. It’s hard to paint the picture of the depressed, dreadful state of pain my Mother was in, but it made my Grandma more worried than I had ever seen her. I know what I was feeling, during this time, but I don’t quite think I could imagine what my 75-ish year old Grandma was thinking when she saw her (much younger) daughter in so much pain and discomfort. Heartbreaking might be an easy word to use, but I can imagine the feeling of helplessness crossed my Grandma’s mind, more than once. As previously mentioned, my Grandma is my Mom’s Mom (obviously), but at the end of the day they really were very close friends; they did everything together, and they were always there for one another. Sometimes it was hard to know who, at what time, was acting more like a Mom to the other.
The following 6 months was probably the worst state I had ever seen my Mom in, period, full stop. Aside from battling pain and depression, my Mom HATED other people taking care of her, and she also (probably) hated the fact that she, for at least that moment in time, had lost her independence. After having her first child at 19, two divorces, two more kids, and another husband later…independence and autonomy was very important for my Mother. It was a long, long road to recovery. We got through it, but it forever damaged, mentally and physically, the woman I once knew to be so adventurous and outgoing. To this day, she still walks as if she’s on pins and needles, making sure she takes careful, controlled steps, she wears big, heavy boots most of the time because she believes it gives her leg more protection, she takes medication to control her anxiety (which is now based on irrational fears she didn’t previously have), and she is much less active than she used to be. You might be reading this and thinking to yourself, “she went through a lot, she should be happy to get back some normalcy”, and you’d be right; however, watching your Mother’s transition from “always on the move” to “a part-time hermit” would never be easy for anyone, especially when it felt like it happened in the blink of an eye.
Time is our greatest commodity. In a world where we desire inanimate objects more than anything, it’s sad to think how wasteful we are of the precious time we do have—you can never predict how the next moment in your life may or may not unfold.3
After doing all of the extensive research one can do, I decided to stick to the basics: Rome, Florence, Tuscany, and Venice. We would start in Rome, take a train to Florence, immediately get a car and drive to Greve in Chianti (Tuscany), drive back to Florence, take a train to Venice, and then take one, final train back to Rome, to end the trip. Even though we’d only be seeing a few cities…this would be A LOT for GK to take in, so I wanted to make it as easy as possible, while still being able to see everything we could, in the relatively short time we had.
I called my Mom/GK, gave them the loose itinerary, and we started to look for flights. I was coming from L.A., so I was very spoiled with the plethora of options that LAX has to offer in regards to flying anywhere in the world. My Mom/GK, on the other hand, were flying from St. Louis Lambert Airport, so their options were extremely limited and almost double the price.4 Thankfully, GK decided she did not want to do a non-stop, long-haul flight, so we booked them flights on Southwest Airlines from STL to Boston-Logan Airport, where they ended up staying the night, and then we booked them separate, direct flights from Boston to Rome. For me, this is not ideal; if I’m going on a long-haul flight, I want to get there as fast as possible; however, for an 80-year old, this probably makes the most sense—REST and low-stress options are always the right way to go, if flying with an elderly person.
I used airline miles/Amex points to book a flight for GK on Southwest, from St. Louis to Boston, as well as to book a flight on Alitalia from Boston to Rome. My flight landed in Rome about 45 minutes before their flight arrived, as it was important for me to be there early to receive them. I also used American Airlines miles to book a flight, for myself, from LAX to Rome. If you don’t understand how to take advantage of the credit card/airline miles reward programs, and you want to learn how to travel more affordably, then I recommend you get started with THE POINTS GUY . Do your research and take advantage of this amazing system that is at your disposal — it really is there for the taking.5
For the most part, my Mom and GK trusted me with doing all of the planning. I don’t think there was a single moment where they asked to do something additional, or a time where they questioned what we were doing. For them, I feel like I was the stress reliever. Who wouldn’t want to have an entire trip planned, for them, by someone else? If you asked me, I would say that they were the ones that got off easy!
The last thing I wanted to do, aside from making sure we all got there in one piece, was to get GK signed-up with Global Entry. For those of you who don’t already know, Global Entry is the GODSEND of all International traveling obstacles; upon approval, it allows you to bypass the treacherous customs line (usually a mile long) and head straight to any open, Global Entry kiosk, where you can give your credentials and be through Customs in less than 5 minutes time. Additionally, Global Entry comes with TSA Pre-Check, for all domestic travel, so you basically get two amazing travel odd-on’s for the price of one. Bob’s your uncle.
The trip was starting to manifest itself into one, big magical adventure. The countdown had begun. Our bags were packed. GK was ready and willing.
I had no idea, that in the following weeks, one of the greatest experiences I’ll ever have was about to unfold. I had even less of an idea that it would be the last opportunity for a trip like this to happen, with GK, ever again.
To be continued…
A good start to understanding how inexpensive traveling can be is to read VAGABONDING by Rolf Potts. I was already an avid traveler, a few years before reading Vagabonding, but Potts’ pages ooze with creative ways to save time, money, and energy while fulfilling your inner wanderlust. I understand there were many before him, but, to me, Rolf Potts is the OG of affordable travel. For all things Potts, click HERE.
Given the opportunity, I will always use a Harry Potter reference, when and where appropriate!
This makes me think of something Katie Couric said, while being interviewed on the WTF with Marc Maron Podcast, when they were talking about the day she found out her husband had terminal cancer: “Your entire life is forever changed in one day.”
St. Louis Lambert International Airport NOW has an amazing option with Lufthansa, Germany’s flagship carrier, which offers two direct flights, per week, from St. Louis to Frankfurt International Airport (essentially the HUB of Europe, from here you can connect anywhere). You can book this flight with United, so if you have United airline miles make sure to take advantage of this! I highly recommend just booking the direct flight to Frankfurt, from STL, and then booking one-way flights, separately, so you have more flexibility.
I would not be able to travel NEAR as much as I currently do if I didn’t udnerstand how to take advantage of credit card reward bonuses, saver reward flights, and airline earning programs. Seriously, it is something that is there for everyone to enjoy and take advantage of. Don’t be an idiot…pay off your credit card bill, and then reap the rewards.