Making A Book | Capsule of My Melded World
"Emotion is just energy in motion": Charlie Cichoszewski on abandoning writing 'hacks,' the vitality of poetry, and searching for a more authentic self
In the series “Making A Book” we delve into the experiences of students who published a book through the course WRI420: Making A Book.
WRI420: Making A Book is an advanced 12-week course in the Professional Writing and Communications (PWC) program at the University of Toronto Mississauga. The course examines principles, procedures and practices in book publishing. Students, working collaboratively, collect material for, design, edit, typeset, print and assemble books. Students consider the philosophical, aesthetic, and economic factors that guide publishing, editing and design decisions. The course culminates in each student publishing a book.
Charlie Cichoszewski took WRI420 in the winter semester of 2023 (January—early April). He published his debut collection of poems and stories, Capsule of my Melded World, on June 3, 2023. His collection grounds itself in the truth of creative nonfiction and an internal chaos melded in the space between creative perspective and reality. This book captures a transformation in its stretch through perspectives of the self, embodying a growing relationship with fragments of the self in different lights. Charlie’s stories meld from trauma to experiencing the world through the lens of wonder in their re-learning to live with post-traumatic stress.
Charlie is a Polish Canadian multidisciplinary artist, photographer and author from Mississauga, Ontario. He is working toward a joint Art and Art History program degree with a minor in Professional Writing and Communication (PWC) at the University of Toronto and Sheridan College. His website is cichocaptures.wordpress.com
I met Charlie in a PWC course when we were both in our third year.
[Charlie has kindly allowed me to post “Hypervigilant” one of the poems from his collection. The interview follows the poem, as all interviews should.]
Though I’m alone,
The piano melody soft under the
shower. The door hums & creaks,
I must poke my head out to stay certain.The echo of a soup bowl, aban-
doned, or is it crying?A silver bite; the ghost’s
teeth that makes the fork
sing.
The smooth plate under,
& a whistle like a sharpening
blade.A spork like a dirty hand &
a kind favour.A photographic collage so exact scars
reopen like wounds, like an eye.
Sword-edged splinters, that I see upon
the white door, the broken doorframe,
flecks of glass in the eye.A twitch when it opens, the door.
My height a contract signed by the
ghost who steps in, flowing grey dress,
a black tongue, eyes which plead, eyes
only pupil.
W. V. Buluma: Why did you title your collection Capsule of my Melded World? How long did it take to decide on the title?
Charlie Cichoszewski: This title came to me when I was reflecting on the themes of this book. A time capsule is a little bit of how I see it, and the “Melded World” portion came from the prompt that started the book, which was the idea of accumulated perspectives of the world, different emotional lenses from which to see.
Capsule of My Melded World seemed to be a fine alchemizing.
If you were to create a genealogy of your poetry collection, what would you include? Think of Capsule of my Melded World as a complex, ancient organism—where does it begin to evolve and blossom?
This is such an interesting question. I think the beginning of this book started around 2016, when I would compulsively write poetry at night. Though I always wrote poetry, maybe I remember this most vividly since it seemed to be the most comforting way to deal with any anxieties and despair I felt at the time. I think it stemmed from desire to understand my emotions, and in turn, myself. The poetry carried through to when I found my partner and her outlook on life gave me the highest joys of my life until that point. Later I began to learn more about myself and how I want to exist in the world: be it connecting with my understandings of gender and where I feel I belong on its spectrum, how I’m affected by generational trauma, how much I love art and expression as a form of therapy, the list goes on. The book itself does a good job at telling this narrative of evolution, with “Burgundy Corridor” beginning the arc, that then falls a bit into a complementary hole, what I feel was on the other side of awe toward the humans in my life, and the pattern fluctuates more and more slightly with each poem feeling more expansive and conscious.
A line from “Unrecognize” struck me: “How could we live like poetry isn’t right here?” Could you share more about the specific poems/poets that influenced Capsule of My Melded World and/or helped you understand the core issues you grapple with in the collection?
Of course. A catalyst for this work was Ocean Vuong’s Time is A Mother, which I mention in “Bus Stranger / The Old House.” His work has been instrumental for me because it really changed the way I looked at poetry in general. I had always written poetry, but the complexity of his writing unique to his voice is what did inspire me to explore my own complexities in writing, as well.
Though I’ll say the core issues are ones I lived, I think the understanding comes afterward. Only after reflection, looking at this book as a shadow of myself do I understand more fully why these artful parts of myself needed to be expressed.
“Unrecognize” is the rejection of recognition toward the self. It embodies a sort of despairing battle with the ego, an outward projection of not understanding the world and, in turn, the self, which reconciles itself with peace of the present moment. I think poetry in general tends to be a good reflection of the self from which to introspect with curiosity and love, and expand your self-awareness.
Why did you choose to publish through the course?
I mainly saw it as an opportunity. The book became itself through support that the course facilitated. I was able to get super excited about my explorations and how I wanted to compile this story in an impactful and intimate way.
What’s your writing workflow—how did you draft, edit, and polish the collection? You excavate some painful events in your life. How did you persevere while confronting difficult emotions?
Ha, I appreciate your use of “excavate” there. [One of the poems in Charlie’s collection is titled “Excavation.”] I absolutely love this question, because I love figuring this stuff out. I have tried a million times and ways to impose systems to create, in hopes the structure will keep me accountable, but I find structures only often work until they don't. I used to spend a lot of time trying to address the feelings I had from an external approach, I would make countless routines that just burnt me out, countless lists about self-care habits and “hacks,” that sort of thing. What I’ve come to realize is cultivation is in itself not meant to make us into robots, nor are routines meant to last forever, but the whole thing is much more fluid and squiggly. I thought my problem was not realizing how long I wanted to hold onto a routine, or not realizing what was a reasonable timeframe, but really what I think is that writing was a lot like the metaphor of flying a helicopter. You see, helicopters have a control stick which is a sort of unique steering method. And you maneuver with slight movements, more of a fine tune that leads you an exponential amount into the distance. Any fine movement or panic could send you crashing, but when you begin and you concentrate and trust, its easy to steer because you confide in yourself through your intuition. I already knew where I wanted to go so I looked into the horizon and enjoyed the ride.
Emotion is just energy in motion. So if I were to suppress it, it would compress and I guess de-press inside me. So instead I used the energy I already had to get me where I knew I needed to go. I would say approaching from the internal is best, and the most organic way to get into something you love.
“It’s interesting to also explore my perceptions of these poems when I haven’t read them in awhile. Sometimes I forget how true and good these poems really are, and when I read them again I am pleasantly surprised, so I find new favourites quite quickly.”
Which part of the publication process surprised you?
I don’t think there was much surprise, to be honest. I think I’d visualized writing a book many times so it kind of eliminated caring about surprises and I just went straight into action.
What have you learned after publishing your book that you wished you knew beforehand?
I think the space of reflection you get once you write your first book is an interesting point to reach, but I don’t regret anything nor do I wish I had more knowledge available to me before writing. Maybe in terms of the typesetting process, I wish I would have known I’d prefer to have a team working with me since it was mainly a solo endeavor aside from the brilliant reviews and heartfelt edits of my copyeditor, Jenefer Savoeung. Other than that I’m touched by the support that keeps coming.
Which poem in the collection is your favourite and which one is the best?
I quite like “Screamer” right now, though my favourites change at times. Maybe I do think that one is the best right now, because it came to me so effortlessly, it was just there and all I had to do was write it down. I quite also like “Haunted Eyes,” because it paints such a clear picture. Zachary also holds a dear place in my heart. “Hypervigilant” also I feel has developed really well and I can really hear the descriptions. “The Bathroom, Again” holds a lot of lyricism and a rhythm I value. I guess right now I like the poems that I remember felt most like a fine meshing between my thoughts and my pen. It’s interesting to also explore my perceptions of these poems when I haven’t read them in awhile. Sometimes I forget how true and good these poems really are, and when I read them again I am pleasantly surprised, so I find new favourites quite quickly.
My current favourite is “Dziadek to Phillip,” but I see how distance from the poems after spending so much time with them changes the way you notice and appreciate them.
I’m so glad you liked it. If you want to share what makes it your favourite, I’d love to hear.
I was particularly touched by how “Dziadek to Phillip” sketches out these precious little intimacies in a journey from dependency to dependability.
Could you speak about the reception the collection has had so far? How does it feel to be read, considering how vulnerable you are on the page?
I am full of gratitude for all the people who continue to support me and my art, and I’m so happy to share it. The reception has been great and the reviews I’ve read have been positive and even a little bit inspiring. I think the tune of vulnerability is something I wish to continue to practice in my own life. Some anxieties did arise in the past, but I learned to look at them as empowerment. Kind of like stepping into my most authentic self—we all have shit we don’t wanna talk about. I just hope I can make people feel less alone. If I feel doubt arising, I do my best to look at it and let it pass, as all feelings do, and it feels good to let the emotion transform into something more. A truth I enjoy remembering is “It’s more complex.”
“I would say to find your true beliefs—not of your critic or cynic, but the ones the best version of you might say, what you truly value.”
What’s your wildest dream for this collection? Let’s broaden this question—what’s your wildest dream for your art?
Thank you for asking this. I think my dreams have more feeling and fuzz than clear pictures. Maybe it’s just feeling seen, and before that, allowing myself to be seen by others. This is a fear I’ve been revisiting a lot recently, but I hope to stitch that wound and leave the fear behind. Fear is natural and it’s just something that keeps us alive, but I have to remind myself this is just the impact of my change. That “thank you, but I don’t need the fear right now.” I think my dream is to inspire others to tap into themselves. Even one person. I think this is what we’re all meant to do, is share ourselves with the world in some way. Though I respect there’s a million ways for people to do this.
This collection specifically, I hope, can reach the right people. The people who might need it. I think that’s what I want to facilitate for all my work. I want people to reconnect with the parts of themselves they may have previously denied and forgive the parts they judge with the ambition to go forward. I want people to not feel ashamed of their past, and know they can healthily and responsibly detach from the past definitions of themselves they no longer deem helpful, whenever they want.
Is there anything else you’d like to add: something you desperately want to put out into the world, or an answer to a question you wish I’d asked you?
I think to whoever is reading, if you need someone who listens, you can pretend it’s me. Every hardship is one that you survived. You are valid and don’t need to dim your light for others. Step into it. Then things to start to fall into place. Facilitate your own spaces to the best of your ability. We always tell kids to believe in themselves but, tell yourself that too. Learn how your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, results and actions correlate, and recognize we all have neural plasticity. When we change one of these things, it has the potential to change all of those things. Then I would say to find your true beliefs—not of your critic or cynic, but the ones the best version of you might say, what you truly value.
What are you working on currently, or looking forward to working on?
I’m mainly doing a lot of reflection through writing at the moment, stringing past ideas together with new ones, but I will have to keep the contents secret until they’re more concrete. I’m excited to share more with the world as soon as I can without rebelling against myself.
GTA resources for queer friends (courtesy of Charlie):
Trans Lifeline
Canada: (877) 330-6366 | USA: (877) 565-8860
Friends of Ruby (housing & counselling)
info@friendsofruby.ca | (416) 359-0237
489 Queen Street East (LL01) Toronto, ON M5A 1V1
Canadian Resource Centre for Victims of Crime
crcvc.ca | call: (613) 233-7614 | text: (613) 208-0747
Sherbourne Health Cen,tre (queer and trans-specific medical care)
info@sherboune.on.ca | (416) 324-4100
333 Sherbourne Health Street, Toronto ON M5A 2S5
Buddies in Bad Times Theatre (queer Toronto Artists & Pride events)
buddiesinbadtimes.com | (416) 975-8555
519 Church Street Community Centre (hub for LGBTQ Toronto)
Read the rest of the Making A Book series here.