âMy name is Nicola and I am a People Pleaser,â I say, gingerly raising my hand. The other members of the circle at PP - People Pleasers Anonymous - smile and nod in agreement.Â
âGreat to have you here!â They chime in unison, before uttering other empty sentiments that I want to hear.Â
The leader of the meeting speaks:
âIt would be great if you could possibly, if itâs not too much trouble, share your experiences with people pleasing. No worries if not thoughâŠâ
I clear my throat to give one of many examples of my people pleasing ways. Suddenly I am interrupted by the person on my left.
âOh sorry, you go.â
âNo please, you go first, I insist!â
âItâs ok, go aheadâŠâ
We spend the next three minutes apologising to each other over and over. Thereâs lot of hand wringing and awkward laughter. I relent, not wanting to take up too much of everyoneâs time.
The other person speaks - for 40 minutes. Once done, they apologise profusely for taking up too much time, despite the fact that they are clearly not sorry at all and have no regrets in the slightest.Â
âWell weâre almost out of time - Nicola did you have something you wanted to say before we finish?â
âNo,â I reply pleasantly with a nervous laugh - and through gritted teeth - knowing full well I had lots to say.
I smile cheerfully, despite being utterly, utterly furious. I say nothing. As I leave, I stare a hole through the back of The Interrupterâs head. Later I will fantasise about viciously punching The Interrupter repeatedly.
I will later feel bad about it though because they really did need to use up 40 minutes of a group meeting to tell us about their shitty day when it was my turn to speak, without stopping for air.
Or did they?Â
If this sounds familiar, like me, youâve probably destroyed your sanity with your own people pleasing ways or are caught in a loop of people pleasing. In the next few weeks Iâm going to be sharing some insights and learnings about people pleasing that may well blow your mindâŠ
Or not. Whatever.
Pleased to please you Â
There is absolutely no such thing as being âtoo niceâ.
When I describe myself as a recovering people pleaser, I do not say it proudly. People think that pleasing people is a good thing - a nice thing! Who doesnât want to make other people happy?! But there is a rather sinister side to people-pleasing that often gets ignored because itâs viewed as such a positive attribute; the need to please others.Â
But what if I told you that people-pleasing is actually a form of positive manipulation? Itâs damage control. Public relations, entrenched in survival and self-preservation. Itâs a mechanism in which people can control the narratives around themselves, and other peopleâs perspectives of them. What if I pointed out that, by people pleasing, youâre not only deceiving people around you about who you truly are, and what you think, but that youâre also not being true to yourself? Does that make people pleasing fair, or right for anyone?
And does your people pleasing actually make you feel good. Does it make other people treat you any better? Or does it leave you feeling used, angry, sad, and resentful?
More importantly, does any of this make you so eager to still claim that youâre a people pleaser? Iâm gonna go with no.Â
This is the radical Earth-shattering truth you need to hear today. People pleasing is not a good thing. Itâs bad. For you, and everyone around you.Â
You do not want to be a people pleaser anymore. You do not want to hang out with people pleasers. Delete âpleaserâ from your resume - NOW.
Why do we people please?Â
Humans are very social creatures - we feel compelled to fit in and relate to other people. Itâs natural for us to have needs around feeling understood, cared for, and accepted. We also get the feel-goods when we help someone else, or do something nice for them. So naturally, people pleasing does have roots in wholesome and perfectly normal behaviour. âItâs nice to be nice.âÂ
But itâs also a learned behaviour that becomes toxic when it develops into a pattern, or dare I say, a compulsion - especially when you donât actually get the feel-goods after doing it. I touched upon this in a recent newsletter on self care; how selflessness is often very gendered, and that women in particular are socialised to put others needs above their own.
When being âniceâ is lauded as the ultimate quality we should possess, itâs subconsciously communicated to us that we shouldnât bitch, moan, complain, get upset, get angry, or cause a fuss. We learn that compliance is more âusefulâ than being a complex person with needs that could inconvenience someone else. It should therefore come as no surprise that women are especially prone to people pleasing, and that we often learn this as children (that other frequently marginalised group who are âseen and not heardâ.)
Equally, it can also be a result of being influenced by dynamics within your family, social circles, your school life, or your workplace. We might see people pleasing behaviour in the parent who has responsibilities to care for their siblings, even though they donât appreciate it and treat the parent badly. Or the friend who doesnât want to complain about hair in their food at the restaurant because they âdonât want to draw attention and cause a fussâ.
Itâs reflected in the shy, quiet kid who says they like monster trucks to fit in with their friends (when really theyâd rather play with Lego) because they still want to be invited to sleepovers. Itâs also present in the manager who agrees to work through lunch - making everyone else feel like theyâre being a bad employee by not also working through lunch - because if they say no, they might not get that promotion.Â
The idea that weâre being good, always doing the right thing, and not ever upsetting or disappointing someone else is very compelling, and even intoxicating. Yet when you go down this road for too long, the line between what you want, and what other people want starts to get blurry.Â
Thatâs when people pleasing becomes more about duty, and less about making people happy. Itâs placing someone elseâs needs above your own, even when that hurts you, or makes you unhappy in some way.
And that creates a whole host of problems for all involved.
Understanding people pleasing
I am not saying that everyone who people pleases does these things consciously or because they are bad people. I also want to stress that people who DONâT people please are not automatically bad people either.
Often those who fundamentally do try to do the right thing most of the time will fall into the trap of being a people pleaser because they do actually care about other peopleâs feelings However, this is often at their detriment. It makes those people ripe for exploitation and manipulation - and sadly there will be individuals who will take advantage of this.Â
People pleasers also unintentionally surround themselves with other people pleasers, and create more of them in the process. It becomes a vicious and normalised cycle where nobody calls each other out and everyone is struggling beneath the surface to maintain a facade.
âNo of course I donât mind where we go for tea!â you all say, while internally screaming.
Unfortunately people pleasers also are drawn like magnets to master manipulators; they like us because we are malleable and impressionable. We are easy to coerce and control because we are more likely to empathise, and accept struggles or requirements at face value. This means we can be easily guilt tripped, intimidated, or carefully convinced into doing what other people want - and eventually we lose ourselves.
One of the core patterns with people pleasers is that they often recount incidents where they have been met with hostility at times where they did express their needs, or followed their instincts about what THEY wanted. As a result, they want to avoid any pain, humiliation, hassle, or conflict that theyâve experienced prior.
Equally, times where your expressions of discomfort have been minimised also creates a dynamic where you can no longer trust your own mind, your own feelings, or your own perspective.
And so, the people pleasing behaviours continue. The cycle of external validation rages on. Dealing with the negative emotions and repercussions of standing your ground can feel too much to handle so you just simply fall in line.Â
Stray too far, and not only do you stop knowing what you actually want, but who you actually are as a person.
So why is people pleasing bad? Surely other people are the jerks here?!
Right! But also, wrong. Itâs difficult to hear but often people pleasers have real challenges in advocating for themselves and setting boundaries. In earlier years, this may because they donât have the faculties or resources to do so. In latter years, it may be because, as Iâve mentioned, theyâve been worn down by the overwhelming worry about what other people will think or say about them if they refuse to play ball.Â
Itâs tragic that people will consider violating a personâs boundaries in the first place, but when you fail to protect yourself and put your needs first, you eventually become somewhat complicit in harming yourself. Itâs not your fault - this has become your means of survival, a lifetime habit - but it does need to be actively unlearned.
Itâs both disappointing and shocking how many people will not only let you fail to protect your boundaries, but will actively trample you in the process.Â
But hereâs the kicker. You cannot prevent or control the behaviour of others, but you can control how you manage and react to it.
Thereâs a saying that you have to be cruel to be kind, and making a conscious decision to stop people pleasing is just that.
Itâs putting yourself first, no matter how uncomfortable or âselfishâ that sometimes makes you feel, regardless of the consequences. Turning down a party invite, saying no to more work, and refusing to continue giving your time to someone toxic might feel like youâre living in your âvillain eraâ - but if it makes you happier, and healthier then itâs certainly not a bad thing. It can actually be liberating.
Itâs also not black and white. Often when I suggest that people should denounce their people pleasing ways, they think Iâm telling them to blindly put their needs first without a thought for anyone else, (I will talk about the âhealthy flexâ zone in another post). In fact, I am merely encouraging people to find a middle ground where they still retain their very human need to help others, without becoming a doormat that people can readily abuse.
Itâs not easy - but itâs worth it.
This sounds familiar - what do I do?
Identifying and recognising your people pleasing traits is a good start. I will be talking more about this because itâs much, much harder than it sounds! I am still working on it myself, even today.
You also need to learn to get comfortable with disappointing people, occasionally upsetting people with your decisions, and accept that some of them will be angry, may try to pressure you, or worse, denigrate you for not playing by their rules.
You need to realise that not everyone will like you, and that sometimes it doesnât matter what you say or do to make them like you - after all of it, they STILL might not like you!Â
Acknowledging this and letting stuff go is very important here. And it will take a lot of time to regain security in your sense of self including your beliefs, opinions, or values.
What I hear most when it comes to people pleasers is that these people think they are genuinely being kind. What they donât seem to clock is that they are not being very kind to themselves at all in the process.
In my next newsletter on people pleasing, Iâll dive into some of the core examples and behaviours that people pleasers often exhibit, how to recognise them, and why some of those habits are not so coolâŠÂ
Stay tuned.
If you donât mind. đ
Are you a people pleaser or have people pleaser tendencies? Tell me about it in the comments because, believe me, I get it! Iâd also love to chat about your experiences.Â
Want to learn more about being less of a people pleaser and being a better advocate for yourself from an incredibly anxious 30-something year old woman? Hit that subscribe button to get my chaotic ramblings straight to your inbox!Â
Amazing article! As a (slowly) recovering people pleaser there are some serious home truths here.
I am getting better at âstanding in my truthâ and it took a while to get here, and I still get anxiety when I do this. Itâs not a sprint, itâs a marathon đââïž
The more I can get comfortable with people sometimes being disappointed in me, the more I am in tune with my own needs. Like you say, we canât control other peopleâs views of us anyway!