Notes on self care
Is self-care necessary to our wellbeing, or a load of classist, patriarchal garbage?
This week I have been doing some thinking on self-care.
I appreciate the irony in this since I have not left the house in days, skipped out on all my exercise classes this week, have fallen asleep on the sofa almost every night after work, and have spent hours on a different blog post that will now never see the light of day because I hate it and it makes no sense.
To quote that old adage, or what I like to refer to as the Millennial ‘dog ate my homework’ excuse, I just have a lot going on. Work is crazy, my house is upside down, and I have a lot of weird personal drama to wrestle with. On Monday, I read this article by Ellie Violet Bramley for The Guardian, and it really hit a nerve.
Even though I am much better at going easy on myself when things are hectic, I really, really hate self-care culture. I am however going to take this opportunity to break up my rant with pictures of glamorous women relaxing in beautiful interiors because that is, in fact, my self-care.
The myth of self-care
For a while now, I haven’t been buying into the myth of ‘self-care’. It’s not that I don’t believe in the sentiment, I just think it’s an empty platitude and a concept that the entire world is getting wrong.
The phrase has become synonymous with mental health and wellbeing; the idea that sheet masks, a nice smelling candle, a glass of wine, and binging Netflix will solve all when we’re feeling stressed or low.
It is also, as one comment highlighted on said shared article, very gendered. Are men ever told they need to do more self-care? If a man has a sucky day at work, does his well-meaning friend softly whisper to him that a sharer size bar of Dairy Milk will make him feel better?
The reason it annoys me so much is that the entire concept is just clever marketing for both:
a) something that technically already exists.
b) something that should be much more than how it’s currently defined.
Selfish women
Self-care sentiments are often targeted at women because society has conditioned us from an early age to look after others - often at the expense of looking after ourselves.
The doting wife, the helpful sibling, the ‘mom’ friend, and the caring mother are roles that border on tropes, but ones we take on without even realising.
Showing ourselves any care is just not normalised - we’ve been taught that we should always prioritise the needs of others to be a good person. Parents, partners, friends, children, bosses, strangers in the street… Appeasement and people pleasing is a huge part of life as a woman.
It’s all “Give your Uncle a hug” (no thanks), “smile, it might never happen” (fuck off), and “Could you just…?” (Do it yourself!).
And while this isn’t limited to just women, many of us blindly accept the idea that being selfish, in any shape or form, is bad. So OF COURSE we’d make up a nice, sanitised buzzword to make us feel a little less guilty about doing things for ourselves. We’re not being SELFISH, it’s just self-care.
It’s crazy how words can hold so much power, and evoke negative connotations that really last. It’s also crazy how much prestige we give to the familiar antonym; selfless - the act of being completely devoid of selfishness. But acts of selfishness don’t have to be so terrible. Sometimes we have to be selfish (I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s only a problem if your selfishness is constant, or extreme).
If we never thought about our own needs, we’d risk never feelings happy, safe or content.
Which is often the exact method in which many of us hurtle towards burnout.
Gatekeeping care
Another interesting note in the article was that ‘self-care’ as we’ve come to culturally accept it, is indeed a privilege.
“Wellness is by and large, for those who are already disproportionately well.”
It makes no sense to tell someone in a financially dire state to take themselves on a vacation with friends, any more than it does to tell someone who suffers with crippling depression to try overcoming it with ice-cream and meditation.
Not only does so-called self-care behave as a temporary band aid to symptoms of deeper, complex issues, it also assumes that the subject has the means to execute these tasks, and do so successfully.
The sad truth is that a lot of people don’t have access to the tools needed for REAL self-care, but they may also not have the faculties for the faux version either. This makes the latter insulting at worst, and patronising at best.
My concern for this type of thing crops up every year when I see organisations banging the drum for Mental Health Awareness Week.
In my view, free yoga classes and lunch time sessions on mindfulness are no substitute for proper support or treatment from a mental health professional. Incentives for anonymous helplines, awareness pins, or ‘Blue January’ charity walks cannot compare with our challenges being truly seen, heard, and understood. You can send people as many money saving tips as you want, but unless you pay people fairly, you’re not going to help anyone out of a financial hole. My point with this one is that money might not bring happiness, but it sure helps a lot.
Preaching wellness messages, while doing nothing to alter the status quo (or worse still, failing to address mental health issues that are more complex than ‘feeling stressed’) is no longer good enough. Year after year, I see more online noise, only for key organisations fail at putting their money where their mouth is.
And it puts so much onus on the individual. If they try all the ‘self-care’ solutions - of bubble baths, and spa days, and ‘reaching out’ - only to find that they are still feeling stressed, or anxious, or depressed, then they may conclude that they are not trying hard enough, or not doing it right. This might also be communicated to them as such, externally.
A world stacked against us
The current solutions aren’t fixing anything because ultimately we’re all trying to struggle along in a world that, more often than not, just doesn’t properly care for us.
I think it goes without saying that there has been a huge decline in the quality of life for people in the UK, which makes living day to day impossible for many.
The government, healthcare services, workplaces, and other such organisations which prop up daily life are failing at a fundamental level to prevent people from getting into stressful states in the first place. Not only are the crucial resources challenging to access (if they indeed exist), but they are usually completely reactive, and not at all preventative.
For example, businesses need to think about tackling the long hours, toxic work cultures, and heavy workloads that make their employees stressed and sick rather than buying them pizza and beer every Friday.
Parents deserve not to have to bankrupt themselves to simply have children. New mothers shouldn’t have to choose between their careers or spending time with their kids. The stay-at-home, or part-time working mother has to sacrifice a full salary and career progression. Meanwhile, the working mother has to take out a second mortgage just to cover the extortionate price tag of childcare.
People shouldn’t have bigger worries compounded with concerns about living from day to day. How have we found ourselves in a culture where people have to panic about paying rising energy bills, and then budget within an inch of their lives to simply buy food or fuel? There’s something deeply unsettling about the idea that we may not get access to care if we become ill (because preventative care is becoming less accessible) and that there’s next to no support system to fall back on should we find ourselves unable to work (unless you and your family have the luxury of savings) .
The list goes on. This doesn’t even include the inequalities faced by minority groups, who are often further disadvantaged by a complete lack of support. The legitimate self-care resources we need are crumbling.
Caring is waring
Ultimately, when the world gets too much, no one should ever feel guilty about taking some time for themselves.
I also think those with power should be doing more so we don’t get into tough spots in the first place.
I believe we collectively need to assess what our individual self-care should really look like.
It’s not just about caring for ourselves in the right way (which is surprisingly difficult to do after a lifetime of being taught to care for others); it’s about creating an environment that cares and stops people slipping through the cracks.
For me personally, its taken a very long time to get good boundaries in place so that I can properly protect myself from the chaos that gets thrown at the average human. However, I know that makes me an exception, and I know that makes me lucky. There will, however, be times where I might need extra care that extends beyond a pricey coffee.
So I’m officially renouncing the bullshit culture of self-care, and embracing the idea of unapologetic, selective selfishness.
If you really want to know what self-care looks like, here’s what it looks like for me:
Not doing things that will cause large amounts of stress or discomfort, but adopting a ‘healthy flex’ approach to compromise where needed.
Maintaining firm boundaries at home and at work to protect my time, relationships, values, and sanity.
Knowing when I need to rest and knowing when I need to push myself.
Being comfortable with occasionally disappointing people, or not pleasing everybody.
Making time to do things that I enjoy - especially when I think I don’t have time. If I’m feeling particularly tired or stressed, I can too easily let this stuff fall by the wayside.
Communicating when I’m feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, or anxious; both to get support, and to explain (not excuse!) my actions.
Identifying and reflecting when I’m being too hard on myself or others.
Knowing when I need to move on from an issue, instead of ruminating on it; includes not continuously beating myself up about mistakes, and not trying to ‘fix’ every problem.
Until next time guys…
What are your thoughts on self-care? What does it really mean to you, and how do you practice it? What faux ‘self-care’ tips drive you nuts? Let me know in the comments…
Ah god, this is so good. I've never even thought about how gendered the self-care industry is, and how we as women are told we can solve problems by buying a candle or new face mask.
Also in ref to your own self care promises, I am right alongside you with setting boundaries with people close to me (especially family!) And seeing saying "no" or choosing to leave situations as a form of (very real) self-care 👏 That'll do more for my mental health than any skincare.