Isengard's Half-Orc Program Was A Compliance Nightmare: Satire About AI in Future Litigation
It starts-- but doesn't end-- at horrifying details in the world of Tolkien's The Two Towers
Authors note: this article includes content from imagined legal discovery. In my attempt illustrate the role of artificial intelligence in the future of legal and compliance issues, I am imagining what discovery could look like in a series of legal matters that very clearly took place in the third age of middle earth, and thus past any appropriate statue of limitations.
This is parody and humor, and additionally satire, as it applies to the underlying intellectual property owned by Christopher Tolkien, and aggressively defended by the estate of the original author J.R.R. Tolkien.
As such, this continent is protected under legal regulations that allow for satire and should not be construed to be an impingement upon any of the underlying intellectual property of the Lord of the Rings, the Hobbit, the Silmarillion, the Rings of Power, any of the licensing done by Amazon or Warner Brothers Studios, or any other associate entities.
Thank you for reading. It's worth noting that there is significantly more of this content. I have not emailed it out, because I didn't want to annoy readers of my primary publication, The frontier psychiatrists. It is a newsletter that maintains its staunch status as a very serious publication in the world of health and health Technology Journalism
This “diffusion newsletter”, the Palantir of the Discoverable, is in no way meant to infringe upon any underlying thoughts or feelings any readers may have about health, health Technology, or any of the companies or products featured or pilloried in the parent newsletter. We appreciate your readership, but will inform you that most of the pieces in this series will be posted not by email, but directly to the website itself. If you want to read them, you're gonna have to search them out.
Urgent: Concerns Regarding Half-Orc Breeding Program at Isengard
From: Junior Orc Operative #371
To:
Mordor Compliance Date: April 19, The Third Age
Dear Mordor Compliance,
I am writing to express my deep concern and shock about the half-orc breeding program currently being conducted at Isengard under Saruman's supervision. The conditions in which the half-orcs are being bred are appalling and inhumane. I am at a loss for words to describe the horrific sights I have witnessed.
The living conditions for the half-orcs are extremely cramped and unsanitary, leading to the spread of diseases and a high mortality rate. The treatment of the half-orcs, particularly the pregnant ones, is brutal and merciless. I strongly believe that this program must be investigated immediately and appropriate actions taken to address these alarming issues.
Sincerely, Junior Orc Operative #371
Disturbing Events at Isengard - Immediate Attention Needed
From: Junior Orc Operative #428
To: Mordor Compliance Date: April 20, The Third Age
Dear Mordor Compliance,
I am reaching out to you with great distress and concern regarding the half-orc breeding program in Isengard. I have witnessed firsthand the horrifying practices taking place under Saruman's guidance. The program's methods are cruel and abusive, causing immense suffering to the half-orcs.
In addition to the atrocious living conditions and the treatment mentioned in previous reports, I have also observed brutal experimentation on the half-orcs, including genetic manipulation and agonizing physical tests. These experiments seem to serve no purpose other than to satisfy Saruman's twisted desires. I urgently request that this situation be investigated and that necessary actions be taken to put an end to these horrific practices.
Sincerely, Junior Orc Operative #428
Unbearable Cruelty in Isengard's Half-Orc Breeding Program
From: Junior Orc Operative #529
To: Mordor Compliance Date: April 21, Subject: Urgent: Concerns Regarding Half-Orc Breeding Program at Isengard
From: Junior Orc Operative #371
To: Mordor Compliance Date: April 19, The Third Age
Dear Mordor Compliance,
I am writing to express my deep concern and shock about the half-orc breeding program currently being conducted at Isengard under Saruman's supervision. The conditions in which the half-orcs are being bred are appalling and inhumane. I am at a loss for words to describe the horrific sights I have witnessed.
The living conditions for the half-orcs are extremely cramped and unsanitary, leading to the spread of diseases and a high mortality rate. The treatment of the half-orcs, particularly the pregnant ones, is brutal and merciless. I strongly believe that this program must be investigated immediately and appropriate actions taken to address these alarming issues.
Sincerely, Junior Orc Operative #371
Disturbing Events at Isengard - Immediate Attention Needed
From: Junior Orc Operative #428
To: Mordor Compliance Date: April 20, The Third Age
Dear Mordor Compliance,
I am reaching out to you with great distress and concern regarding the half-orc breeding program in Isengard. I have witnessed firsthand the horrifying practices taking place under Saruman's guidance. The program's methods are cruel and abusive, causing immense suffering to the half-orcs.
In addition to the atrocious living conditions and the treatment mentioned in previous reports, I have also observed brutal experimentation on the half-orcs, including genetic manipulation and agonizing physical tests. These experiments seem to serve no purpose other than to satisfy Saruman's twisted desires. I urgently request that this situation be investigated and that necessary actions be taken to put an end to these horrific practices.
Sincerely, Junior Orc Operative #428
Subject: Unbearable Cruelty in Isengard's Half-Orc Breeding Program
From: Junior Orc Operative #529 To: Mordor Compliance Date: April 21, The Third Age
Dear Mordor Compliance,
The half-orc breeding program at Isengard is a horrifying and inhumane operation that has caused me great distress. The half-orcs are subjected to unspeakable cruelty, and the level of suffering they endure is beyond comprehension. It’s about compliance.
The offspring resulting from the program are often born with severe deformities and health issues, only to be discarded or left to suffer without any care or compassion. It is clear that the well-being of these creatures is not a consideration for Saruman. I implore you to take immediate action to investigate and halt the atrocities taking place in Isengard.
Sincerely, Junior Orc Operative #529
Regarding Junior Orc Operative #529, We have received a report on the “inhumane” half-orc breeding program at Isengard. Our legal counsel has thoroughly reviewed the case and has cited the following case law from how dragons behave to support our action. As per the case of Smaug vs. Dwarves (TA 2770), dragons have the right to defend their territory and property by any means necessary. The half-orcs in question are the property of Saruman, and their mistreatment is a violation of his property rights. Therefore, we have authorized the elimination of the orc responsible for this program. Thank you for bringing this matter to our attention. The allegation of inhumane treatment is of course farcical, because the very intent of the half orc breeding program was created nonhuman creatures. Humane would be the inappropriate standard given no humans are referenced in the complaint. We thank you for bringing this concern to our attention, but it is possible that your junior orc associates are not aware of the complex regulatory regime under which we are operating.
Sincerely, Lord of the Nazgûl
Countersigned: Half-elven, General Council, Mordor Inc.
RE: Risk Memo: Legal and Reputational Risks Associated with Isengard's Half-Orc Breeding Program
From: Sauron To: General Counsel Date: April 22, 2023
Dear General Counsel,
I have received your risk memo and acknowledge the concerns you have raised about the half-orc breeding program at Isengard. While I understand the severity of the allegations, I must emphasize that the program was designed with the purpose of strengthening our forces and achieving our strategic objectives. These are neither orcs, nor are they humans. That was very much the goal, and we strongly support the leadership of Sauroman in navigating the regulations, both mortal and divine, and keeping with his long stewardship as leader of wizards in middle earth. We have the utmost faith.
Nonetheless, I recognize the importance of addressing the legal and reputational risks you have outlined. I assure you that we will cooperate with any investigation and take the necessary steps to address these issues. However, I ask that you consider the broader context in which our organization operates and the unique challenges we face.
Best regards, Sauron
Subject: RE: Risk Memo: Legal and Reputational Risks Associated with Isengard's Half-Orc Breeding Program
From: General Counsel To: Sauron Date: April 23, The Third Age
Dear Sauron,
Thank you for your response and understanding of the need to address the concerns raised in the risk memo. While I appreciate the strategic objectives driving the breeding program, it is crucial that we adhere to ethical standards, laws, and regulations in all of our operations.
The recommended actions in the risk memo are designed to mitigate the potential legal and reputational risks while maintaining the integrity of Mordor Corporation. I believe that addressing these concerns promptly and decisively will not only help protect our organization from potential consequences but also contribute to our long-term success.
I look forward to working with you in addressing these issues and ensuring the continued success of Mordor Corporation.
Sincerely,
Elrond, Half-Elven
General Counsel
Mordor, Inc.
Subject: Half-Orc Breeding Program Update
From: Saruman To: Sauron Date: April 10, The Third Age
Dear Sauron,
I wanted to provide you with an update on the progress of the half-orc breeding program at Isengard. We have successfully created several new generations of half-orcs with increased strength, resilience, and intelligence. However, in our pursuit of these enhancements, we have had to employ some unconventional methods. I am sure that we have appropriate documentation, including CITI and Palantir certification for all investigators, and all of our trolls have signed the troll handbook.
I must confess that the program has pushed the limits of traditional ethical considerations, and I fear that, given the disruptive nature of the research program, as disclosed in our forward-looking statements, it's possible that some risk could be incurred by any of our investors. These risks were all outlined in the prospectus. The living conditions for the half-orcs are far from ideal, and the experimentation has led to a high mortality rate. Furthermore, the half-orcs are becoming increasingly difficult to control, exhibiting violent tendencies and unpredictable behavior.
Please advise on how you would like to proceed.
Best regards, Saruman
Subject: RE: Half-Orc Breeding Program Update
From: Sauron To: Saruman Date: April 11, The Third Age
Dear Saruman,
Thank you for the update on the half-orc breeding program. While I appreciate the progress you have made in creating stronger and more intelligent half-orcs, I am deeply concerned about the ethical boundaries being crossed. Orcs aren’t people too, but, as a foul mockery of the elves, it could be argued that their treatment falls under elvish protections. Further, by breeding these orcs humans, human rights become relevant, in a legally vexatious manner that, it has become clear, was not the priority when it came to risk management.
We cannot afford to have the program come under scrutiny or attract unwanted attention due to inhumane practices, given the half human nature of the breed-stock. I advise you to take immediate action to improve the living conditions for the half-orcs and to reevaluate the experimentation methods being used. We must strike a balance between achieving our strategic goals and maintaining our operations within ethical and legal boundaries, especially given the complex regulatory regime created by combining orcs and humans, which at least plausibly subjects us to both agricultural regulatory standards and human rights and employment law standards simultaneously.
Please provide me with a plan to address these concerns and ensure that the program proceeds in a more responsible manner. It would be wise to engage Isengard counsel, and perhaps even outside counsel, given the complexity of the legal issues inherent in such an ambitious program design for the betterment of orcs and all of middle earth.
Best regards, Sauron
Risk Memo: Legal and Reputational Risks Associated with Isengard's Half-Orc Breeding Program
To: Board of Directors, Mordor Corporation Date: April 22, The Third Age
Dear Board Members,
I am writing to bring to your attention several concerning reports that have been submitted to Mordor Compliance by junior orc operatives regarding the half-orc breeding program at Isengard, overseen by Saruman. These reports describe inhumane and cruel practices, which pose significant legal and reputational risks to Mordor Corporation.
Key Issues:
Inhumane and abusive treatment of half-orcs, including severe living conditions, high mortality rates, and brutal experimentation. I think our crisis coms strategy as well as our legal and regulatory documentation needs to highlight the fact that these are not human creatures, from our standpoint.
Potential violations of ethical standards, laws, and regulations governing the treatment of sentient beings. Again, our position is that agricultural standards around animal protection are the most relevant standards, and applying human or Elvish standards to these creatures would be a misunderstanding of the underlying technology and intentions of our program.
Reputational risks associated with the disclosure of these practices to external parties. This should've been handled on diligence, but apparently, some corners were cut. We are working in a disruptive sector, and have profoundly disruptive intentions towards the status quo here in middle earth. With our giant lidless eye, frankly, we should've seen this coming.
Legal and Reputational Risks:
Litigation: Mordor Corporation could face potential lawsuits from various entities, including the victims of these practices, advocacy groups, or regulatory bodies. We expect some degree of frivolous litigation as part of our routine expenses, but some of these costs could be significant depending on which regulatory authorities become interested.
Regulatory Penalties: The organization could face substantial fines, sanctions, or even a shutdown of the breeding program if found in violation of applicable laws and regulations.
Loss of Business: Public exposure of these practices could lead to a loss of clients, partners, and suppliers, which would have a direct impact on Mordor Corporation's revenue. This is a significant risk. Getting traction in the market is of course crucial to any growth enterprise, and Mordor, despite its capabilities, is still a relatively small kingdom when it comes to total revenue as compared to that of Rohan, or even the Shire. We need to remember that our customers determine our fate, no matter how aggressive our go to market strategy.
Damage to Brand Reputation: The revelation of these inhumane practices could lead to a decline in Mordor Corporation's public image and long-lasting damage to the organization's reputation.
Recommended Actions:
Conduct an immediate and thorough investigation into the half-orc breeding program at Isengard to assess the validity of the reported concerns. These include but are not limited to legal review of the status of the half orc spawn, appropriate workplace protections, reviewing the training and management structures for all of the breeders, making sure all investigators and technologist have appropriate workplace privacy and safety protections in place, and that they are up-to-date with all of their trainings, and Compliance certificates. This is not a workplace in which we can tolerate any further laxity around regulatory standards.
Suspend the breeding program and any related activities pending the outcome of the investigation. Of note, given the half orcs are reproducing independently, we actually believe that the necessity of continuing the breeding program per say is unlikely to impact the output of half orc spawn, such that it may prove a positive move from the perspective a PR to close down the breeding program, confident that the half orc spawn will continue to generate half orc spawn with or without any official program. The optics are as appealing as the unit economics, here.
Engage an independent third party to conduct a comprehensive audit of Mordor Corporation's compliance with ethical standards, laws, and regulations governing the treatment of sentient beings. We have reached out to noted wizard Radegast the Brown, as well as the blue Wizard.
Develop and implement corrective measures to address any identified issues, including revising internal policies, providing training to employees, and ensuring proper oversight of high-risk operations. We believe that any compliance program is only as robust as it's utilization, and generating an ongoing Audit Trail for active compliance actions is very much in the interest of the organization, and needs to be incorporated into our 360 reviews, continuous performance improvement, and other relevant management practices.
Prepare a crisis communication plan to address potential media inquiries and public relations concerns. we have already proactively reached out to a number of torch lighting entities, that can carry messages rather rapidly, we have heard. The original firm behind the horn of Gondor has also been contacted, because as we are well aware, that item was able to generate significant attention in the media all on its own. We were never impressed with Boromir, but the horn was one of the more impressive strategies in public relations throughout the history of middle earth.
It is of the utmost importance that Mordor Corporation takes these concerns seriously and acts swiftly to address the legal and reputational risks associated with the half-orc breeding program at Isengard. Failure to do so could have severe and long-lasting consequences for the organization.
Sincerely,
Elrond Half-Elven,
General Counsel
Mordor Inc.