"My Precious": Specialty Psychiatry EHR Luminello Shuts Down
An Open Letter from Gollum, Who Used It for His Private Practice
Nice Investors, We Loves It! We loves Luminello. It had all the features, precious, the features we wanted. Nice features. Careful features. It wasn’t perfect, precious, not perfect. No. The pre-screening, though. It was special.
It lets us screen, precious, screen out nasty Orcs! Bad Orcs, they hurt us, and they hurt our scheduling and practice viability. When Orcs book an appointment, similar to Medicaid, we weren’t allowed, precious, not allowed to bill for no-shows. And the Orcs, although they needed dynamic therapy, they regularly didn’t arrive for appointments. We could keep them out of our practice with a pre-screening form. Only the nice Elves, Dwarves, and Masters likely to have the precious were allowed to book. This was important to us. A dark thing happened, precious. Dark, and secret. SimplePractice! It is also an EHR, precious, but not for us! Not for prescribers. No ePrescribing does have, precious. It was designed for others. For Ents, probably. But no ePrescribe. And it has very high fees! They burn us! They take over 3% on every credit card transaction. I might as well use Square, I might. Interchange plus pricing, I was promised. They promised us.
I remember when I found Luminello, yes. Precious. I was a new psychiatrist. It had been forged by another of my kind. I was with my practice partner, Deagal, and he selected Practice Fusion—which was free at the time. We all know how that ended—not very nice. $145m in fines from the Department of Justice! Not very nice at all. I wanted one EHR. One solution! One integrated platform that would solve all of my problems, precious.
Teaming up with simple practice they said. Acquiring Strategic Assets, they said. Sauroman— he could team up with Sauron! Private equity only serves one master! It thinks it owns us. It thinks it owns our precious medical records. It's our practice. We built it. These are our records. We maintain them. They are supposed to be invisible to others. Why would they say they are teaming up? They are throwing our precious into the fire. They are shutting down our precious Luminello!
Why would I sign up for Luminello now when I know they're going to throw it into the fire? Just so I can ePrescribe for a hot minute? Simple practice doesn't even have an ePrescribing solution, yet. What about my controlled substances precious? How will my patients get them?
They won't, precious! Gollum.
No, nice Ken. Ken is a psychiatrist also. He founded Luminello.
Very nice, yes, but private equity, it took simple practice and all of its other associated SaaS businesses private last month, so Ken may have been very nice, yes he may have been, but now? Smegol. Gollum. Now private equity doesn't care about us. They don't care about what happens to us. They don't care about our precious medical records. Our precious. They would destroy it. They would throw it in the fire.
Ken would never do that?!
Ken doesn't get to say, precious. Private equity gets to say, precious. Private doesn't care about you. Private equity doesn't care.
But Ken is nice!
Private equity is not nice. It's liquidation preferences, they will burn Ken, and they will burn us, with our records. Our precious medical records. We needs them.
Precious.
Other Lord of The Rings-themed parody content is available, as follows:
Sauron’s Darkest Moment as A Founder
Does Sauron Feel Bad About His Job?
9 Shocking Ai-Prompts The King of Rohan Doesn’t Want You To Know
The One Ring Should Not Be Destroyed
Sauron Discovers a Ring Startup in YC24
You Shall Not Pass and You Shall Not Pass (Appeal)
It’s All About the Employee Handbook
The Interim CEO of Mordor Has Some Frank Feedback for the Lord of the Nazgûl
and more…
This might be my favorite so far. It’s kind of funny that Luminello went down. They spent more on advertising than any other platform I’ve seen. It doesn’t seem to have paid off.