The misunderstood inner critic
One of the most challenging figures in our inner world is the inner critic. My clients often share stories of vicious inner voices narrating all their shortcomings and mistakes.
I first encountered the concept of the inner critic in Julia Cameron’s groundbreaking and insightful book, “The Artist’s Way”. She introduces us to various flavors of inner criticism, often internalized voices from external critics in our past.
I agree with Cameron when she emphasizes self-love and self-acceptance as medicine to counter the inner critic's erosion of our self-worth. She also offers strategies to combat the inner critic (particularly in relation to creative expression; she refers to one variety of inner critic as "the censor"). She suggests externalizing this inner voice as a cartoon, drawing an X over it, and using positive affirmations to counter its demoralizing messages. Here, however, I disagree with Cameron. Many approaches to self-development focus on arguing with the inner critic, labeling it as wrong, overpowering it, countering it with positive beliefs, or simply tuning it out.
What all these strategies overlook is an understanding of the inner critic's purpose in our inner world.
I believe the inner critic plays an incredibly important role and longs to be relieved from the intensity of its task. However, it will not relinquish its role through coercion. The inner critic will willingly give up its role when the reason for its existence has been addressed in our inner world.
That reason is the pain and false beliefs we adopted when we were shamed and criticized in the past, beliefs and feelings that the inner critic is attempting to help us manage.
Cameron’s emphasis on self-love can serve as a gateway for transformation when we also direct that love to the part of ourselves that presents as a critic. Often, love feels like a tall order when this part causes us so much pain and restriction. I suggest starting with curiosity.
Curiosity allows us to delve into the story that lies beneath the surface of the critic's internal narration of our shortcomings. Usually, it is a story of being shamed and humiliated by an external critic, whether explicit or implicit. This could be a shaming parent, caregiver, teacher, or peer. Or it could manifest as differences between who we are and what the dominant culture celebrates.
The experience of not being seen and valued for who we are and our unique gifts and contributions is implicitly critical. I challenge anyone to find me a person who has not had these sorts of experiences as we navigate the imperfect experiment of being a human who needs other humans but also has needs that are not always the same as those of other humans.
According to Martha Sweeney, author of the book “Internal Family Systems Therapy for Shame and Guilt”, an inner critic is like a billboard advertising an experience of traumatic shaming.
When we are shamed, usually as children, the feelings of unworthiness, invisibility, humiliation, and despair are too much to bear. They overwhelm our little bodies and brains. Our minds, still learning about the world, can’t make sense of the experience except to believe that there must be something wrong with us. Children lack the capacity to see beyond themselves; they just don’t know enough about the world yet to make that analysis.
These feelings are so unbearable that parts in our inner system step in to help us manage. One important role that often emerges is that of the inner critic: a part that takes on a proactive role in trying to prevent the pain of external shaming from happening again.
The inner critic employs a brilliant strategy to prevent further humiliation. It proactively criticizes us on the inside. This might motivate us away from the behavior we were originally shamed for, or it might aim to prevent us from getting into situations that risk further shame.
Someone posted on my facebook page about the lasting pain of being raised at at time when the rule was “children should be seen and not heard”. You can see how that might give rise to an internal voice that quashes any spontaneous, natural exuberence to avoid punishment or shaming.
Our inner critic may also model itself on the sources that initially criticized us externally. These clever parts of ourselves learn and mimic the language of the external critic.
Ironically, the strategies we often use to counter the inner critic are implicitly or explicitly shaming. We make the critic wrong for doing its job in the internal world, a job it believes is protective and important. All the critic is doing is trying to shield us from the horrific and overwhelming experience of shame: painful feelings of worthlessness and isolation.
Like many strategies we adopt early in life, unfortunately, the inner critic is not aware that it contributes to the shame cycle inside.
When we approach the inner critic with curiosity, we interrupt that cycle.
The IFS practitioner gently invites clients to bring the hurt and shamed parts out of the dark and into connection with compassionate inner witnessing, while simultaneously helping the shaming/critical parts feel understood so they can retire. This method offers an internal correction to the isolation and loneliness that accompany shame.
In the words of Martha Sweezy: “the true antidote for shame is self-compassion, which also helps people take responsibility for their own behaviors and actions.”
The next time you hear that harsh inner voice, I invite you to simply take a moment and be present to the experience. Our loving presence is the most potent healing energy, and it is available to us anytime, anywhere.
Self love is not a mental construct, it is a physical experience of safety in our own bodies. My free online workshop this month is called “Polyvagal Self Care” and will teach you simple strategies to support your nervous system and embody self care.
Last month I taught a workshop that will help you work with your inner critic, self doubt and other parts that emerge when we stretch and reach toward new goals. It is available for my paid subscribers.
And, if you would like the care and container of my coaching services, please book in for a free 1 hour consultations for us to discuss how this process can serve you.