I’m sitting in a session with my therapist. We’re deep in conversation about some facet of my personality that I’m trying to dig to the roots of. My eyes focus on the clock that sits on the side cabinet, there’s 5 minutes until the end of our session. I tie everything up in a neat bow, ‘so yeah it’s interesting isn’t it, I’ll have more of a think about it. Thanks a lot.’ My therapist pauses and looks at me… ‘why do you always wrap up the sessions 5 minutes before time?’…. ‘Well, I imagine you’re really busy, and probably need a break in between clients, I don’t want to take up too much of your time.’ She looks at me with that therapist look, that tells me what I’ve just said could do with some therapising…. ‘Interesting, is taking up others peoples time something you often worry about?’
I’m queuing for the water fountain at the gym. The water fountain is crappy and the trickle of water it produces is laughable. I stand patiently whilst the 2 people before me wait for for the tiny trickle of water to fill their bottle. Eventually it’s my turn, the water trickles into my bottle. It’s painfully slow, but I will myself to persevere. I can feel the eyes of the people in the queue behind me burning through my soul. Ok no I can’t do this. I crumble under the pressure of holding all these thirsty people up and bolt from the fountain, my bottle less than a quater full.
I’m having coffee with a friend I haven’t seen in ages, I’m listening intently to her chat about work and family life. I feel so interested and invested in what’s going on for her. She stops for a pause and a sip of her coffee. I have so many questions I want to ask, I don’t know which one to pick. Later, she turns the conversation over to me, ‘so whats being going on with you’. I start talking but instantly feel much more uncomfortable. Soon I start to panic, ‘you’re taking up so much conversation, what about all the things going on for her’. Abruptly, I stop what I was saying almost mid flow, don’t give her a chance to ask any questions and quickly turn the conversation back onto her, ‘so anyway, tell me more about that thing you went to’.
I’m in a meeting at work. Something comes up that I know a lot about, and have some fairly strong opinions on. I go to speak, but stop myself. I’ve spoken a lot in this meeting already. I don’t want to hog the floor. Maybe I should give someone else a chance. Actually that other person probably has something much better to say. I don’t say anything.
I’m in a improv class. We’re paired up and tasked with speaking about something we’re passionate about for 5 full minutes without stopping, one person speaks, the other person listens, and then we swap. I sit enthralled as my partner speaks passionately about how much she loves autumn, I’m hanging on her every word. Then the timers up and it’s my go. I can’t think of what to talk about, eventually I start speaking about baths, I feel uncomfortable and squirmy, I wish I could just continue listening to her speak about autumn. Surely it’s been 5 minutes already. No it’s only been 2. I keep talking but it feels like pushing a boulder up a hill.
I’m writing a newsletter about taking up space. I’m thinking, why am I clogging up people’s inboxes with this when there are so many more fascinating people out there which much more important things to say? Should I really press publish on this? Will anyone read it? Should anyone read it? Maybe I should make it shorter.
So yes, I do worry about taking up other people’s time. I’m much more comfortable being the listener, the supporter, the helper than taking center stage. I’ve always felt that other people are infinitely more interesting than me. I often feel other peoples opinions hold more weight than my own. The idea of a wedding and being the focus of attention fills me with anxiety.
Maybe it’s because I’m the youngest, I grew up with 2 older sisters who always seemed smarter and more interesting. Or maybe it’s being female, and growing up in a culture that platforms many more men than women. At most traditional weddings not a single woman gets up to speak. The vast majority of politicians and prime ministers are male. Studies have shown that in work meetings male voices take up much more air time than female ones. But I’m also sure there are many women who don’t feel this way and plenty of men who do. Maybe it’s not important to understand the why behind it, (although the researcher in me can’t resist). Maybe it’s just important to notice.
It got me thinking, who gets to feel comfortable sharing themselves and their opinions with the world and who doesn’t? And how many amazing stories, ideas and opinions are we missing out on as a result?
So yes I want to continue being a great listener, yes I want to continue finding other people fascinating. Yes I want to value other peoples opinions and perspectives. But I also want to get more comfortable with the fact that I might be interesting, that my opinions hold value and that sometimes it’s ok for me to take center stage. I’m trying to get more comfortable taking up time and space. Maybe next time I’m at the gym I’ll be able to fill up my water bottle to the top. I’ll let you know.
I am the same! Being the centre of attention makes me a harsh critic of myself. And though I believe everyone should have a chance at the spotlight, I don’t seem to be able to seize the opportunity and maximise it.
This really resonated. For what it’s worth I’m glad you’re taking up space here - been really loving your pieces 🙌🏻💕