The 7 Habits of Highly (Sexually) Effective People
Taking personal development into the bedroom
Personal development and self-help are popular topics — as any internet search or a trip to the Bookstore will validate. If you want a morning routine, five ways to become more attractive, and three signs to spot in a toxic person, then you are all set.
But what if you wish to become more productive, more attractive, and less toxic in the bedroom? Where are all the self-help gurus now? (Hears crickets chirping in the background) Fear not, I will step forward into this vast gap to provide the information that we all need.
And what better way than to use the template provided by Stephen R Covey with his iconic 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. The habit headlines below are his, the subtitles are my sexual interpretation. So with no apologies at all to Mr. Covey, here are the 7 Habits of Highly (Sexually) Effective People.
Habit 1: Be Proactive
Take the damn initiative
The first habit in our 7 habit program revolves around taking action instead of sitting on the couch waiting for something to happen.
I have several friends in long-term relationships who bemoan the lack of sex. This is usually because one of the people in the relationship is always expected to initiate sex and is sometimes rejected, so they often give up completely.
Highly sexual couples don’t do this.
Both partners initiate sex and, therefore, increase the frequency of intercourse. The number of times their sexual advances are rejected decreases, so both aren’t afraid to engage in sexual initiation.
If you are in a one-way sexual relationship, then try and build up to sex through small acts such as sending suggestive texts, making time for intimate acts like kissing or embracing, and even planning sex in advance.
While sending someone a calendar invite for sex may seem to reduce the excitement and spontaneity, there are many benefits to scheduled sex.
Taking the initiative and making sex more exciting and anticipatory will lead to your partner initiating more.
Habit 2: Begin with the end in mind
Go for the O!
Usually, the end goal in sex is to have an orgasm.
Carol Queen, Ph.D., staff sexologist for Good Vibrations, said, “While orgasming is not the whole point of sex, the absence of orgasm is a signal that something else is missing, like comfort, info about what turns you on, arousal, time, and mutual respect. If you’re not on the same page as far as the timing of sex, take each other’s specific needs into account and alter your sexual schedule accordingly.”
You don’t want to add pressure to sex but expecting your partner to orgasm, but you can maximize the chances.
So how can you increase the chances of your partner achieving an orgasm? The Fab Four in achieving orgasms are — foreplay, oral sex, sex toys, and communication.
Habit 3: Put first things first
Forelong foreplay
Let’s spend a little longer on foreplay — both now and later in the bed.
And for advice on foreplay, we shall turn to the world’s most well-known sex therapist, Dr. Ruth Westheimer. Dr. Ruth says, “ Foreplay serves a physical and emotional purpose, helping prepare both mind and body for sex. Many women need to be kissed, hugged, and caressed to create lubrication in the vagina, which is important for comfortable intercourse.”
Dr. Ruth gives out a few foreplay tips, “many couples are embarrassed to ask their partner to stimulate erogenous zones that are very pleasurable but can be considered taboo. The nipples, the anus, the back of the neck — all have nerve endings. So don’t be shy. The only shame when it comes to foreplay is a missed opportunity for pleasure.”
Folks, follow Dr. Ruth’s foreplay advice, and you can’t go wrong. After all, you don’t want to miss an opportunity for pleasure.
Habit 4: Think win/win
Follow the bible?
I am about to achieve two firsts in this section. Firstly, I will refer to the bible for the first time in my writing life. Secondly, I will use the bible to give sex advice. I guess it’s the Good Book for a reason.
1 Corinthians 7:4 reads as follows: The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.
Now let's substitute wife and husband for any two sexual partners, and we can see that this Bible passage implies that sex should be a win-win situation where each partner gives their body to the other. As full disclosure, I know nothing of biblical studies but did find an interesting story on the need for a win-win between partners in this article.
Moving to more modern times and into a realm, I am far more comfortable with — surveys. One online research survey of people ages 18–25 showed that men and women have wildly different sexual expectations. The survey results highlighted the need to communicate what you want out of a sexual relationship to ensure it is indeed a win-win for all.
Certified sex therapist Aline Zoldbrod, Ph.D., says “good sex is all about finding your perfect recipe” and recommends telling your partner what you want as well as what you don’t want.
So whether you want to follow the Bible, a survey, or a sex therapist, know that Sexual Habit four is about ensuring a win-win for all. Or a win-win-win if you are having a threesome. Or a win-win-win-win….OK, you get the point. Make sure everyone is #winning.
Habit 5:Seek first to understand, then to be understood
Zigazig ah
Research shows that couples who care about satisfying their partner and who take joy from the other person’s pleasure are themselves much happier with their sex life. This means finding out your partner’s sexual fantasies and turn-ons.
Great sexual partners are willing to give more than they receive. The best example is oral sex. Many people love to receive oral sex but are more reluctant to give it. Sex columnist (now there is a job I want), Dan Savage says the best sex partners are “good, giving and game.” Not only are they good at what they do, but they’re generous, and they’re willing to try out whatever their partner’s into. They get pleasure by giving pleasure.
Celeste Hirschman, a sex therapist, says that “Long-term couples with hot sex lives know that each person has their own unique erotic imagination. They’ve learned their partner’s deepest fantasies and desires and are willing to stretch outside their comfort zone a bit to give their partner what they really, really want in bed.”
If you are nervous or insecure about asking your partner what they want, you can get the Spice Girls to broach the subject for you, “So tell me what you want, what you really, really want.” Hopefully, your partner doesn't reply with, “I wanna really, really, really wanna zigazig ah.” Because that is not at all helpful.
Habit 6: Synergize
Connect through Tantric energy
Synergize is such a corporate buzzword that I almost wanted to skip Habit 6 until I realized the sexual equivalent would be tantric. And tantric is such a powerful positive word. The word tantra is derived from ancient Sanskrit and means “to weave energy.” It is all about the connection with your partner during sex. And yes, synergy.
Tantric techniques help form intimate contact in which you and your partner can explore each other’s bodies. Leslie Grace, a tantric educator, says, “A typical tantra session involves the subtle realms of sex, including slow embraces, gentle caresses, getting present within the body, and focusing on the movement of energy between the partners’ bodies.”
She says the benefits of tantric sex are that it throws out routines and expectations while focusing on intimacy, connection, and playful possibility. It is a way to try new positions and desires and building to the final moment. Grace recommends that males practice edging to heighten the experience.
Habit 7: Sharpen the saw
Whips and chains excite me
To finish, I thought I would take Covey’s last habit literally…to an extent. Covey advises sharpening the saw; this may be a little too painful for most, but what other added elements of excitement and, yes, perhaps pain, can be added to the mix.
How can you add a little kink to your sex life? Well, first, let’s look at what kink is. Sexual health consultant Francisco Ramirez says, “Kink is anything that falls outside the bounds of culturally defined expectations, which, because of often wildly puritanical societies, could basically be anything that’s not penile-vaginal intercourse.”
A 2015 Sexual Exploration in America Study found that 22 percent of sexually active adults engage in role-playing, while more than 20 percent have engaged in being tied up and spanking. The same survey found that 50% of people were interested in kink. That means many people want to indulge in some kink but have yet to.
Again it comes back to earlier habits of being open and communicative. There are also some health benefits to getting your kink on. One study found that couples that participated in positive, sadomasochistic activity had lower levels of the harmful stress hormone cortisol. They also felt their relationship became closer and more intimate after a kink session.
So, in summary, the 7 Habits of Highly (Sexually) Effective People are:
Take initiative
2. Build up towards an orgasm
3. Foreplay
4. Ensure both you and your partner are satisfied
5. Ask what your partner wants
6. Become one with your partner
7. Add some spice and excitement
How many of these 7 Habits do you do? If it’s not all seven, then young Sex Jedi, you have some work to do!
This is a guest post on The Science of Sex. If you enjoyed this article, sign up for my free newsletter on Susbtack to ensure you receive more great stories.