It drives me nuts the way women are talked about on health and sex blogs or even in big named magazines like Cosmo or Glamour. I don’t mean to be nitpicky, but there’s so much said between the lines on all of these sites, as they say things without saying them. Sometimes, it’s what’s not said that stands out like a sore and pitifully recognizable thumb.
One place where this is rather common is conversations about women becoming aroused and getting wet. Take this article by Glamour, for instance, where the conversation is so focused on underlying health conditions they just assume that for women, being wet is the default state. As if we women just walk around soaking everything all the time like a slug, leaving a moist trail behind us everywhere we scurry about.
They list twelve possible causes for not getting wet. Not one of them has to do with improper stimulation or arousal techniques. We get things listed like having an autoimmune disorder, smoking cigarettes, breastfeeding, having too much stress, being dehydrated and finally, the last and silliest one of all, “our sex drive being low.”
Notice that all of these are made out to be the woman’s fault?
But what about our partners? Can’t they be getting it wrong, too? I know they can because I’ve had a lot of them get it wrong and a few of them take the time to get it right.
My boyfriend and I have a loving relationship. Even after a few years, we’re still undeniably attracted to one another. We laugh at each other’s jokes, we cuddle one another into the late night as we scroll through the selections of shows and movies on Netflix, pretending we’re going to select something but, somehow, just trading laps to lay on to stroke each other’s hair until we’re too sleepy to care. Safe to say, if there ever was a long-term relationship that went well for me, this is really it.
My primary job is in a field that’s deemed essential, so yes, I still had to work through this pandemic.
What a joy!
I came home from work recently to my awaiting boyfriend, we had been flirting all day, dallying back and forth with our usual banter in whatever free moments we found between the mundane tasks of the workday. But you’ve got to keep life interesting, and flirting all day makes coming home so much more exciting.
We entered the bedroom and began to clutch one another, pulling off a hair-twirling kiss. He caressed my ribs from my armpits down to my hips, and then placed his open palm on my thigh. We continued kissing passionately as he undressed me, removing my clothes article-by-article.
Next thing I knew, I was in my bra and panties and laid flat on my back as he looked down from above me with intent eyes. He slowly slipped my underwear down my thighs, past my knees, down to my ankles, and eventually off me completely. I was so turned on. I was ready for some hot sex.
Except…
My vagina wasn’t cooperating in the way some suppose it should be. It was dry like it normally is after a whopping four minutes into a sexual excursion.
An inexperienced man could at this point could go right into touching you and looking surprised that after a minute or two of making out and an additional two minutes of having his hands on your body that you aren’t wet yet. Looking at the articles I mentioned above, I can see how easily it would be for women and men to feel like this is abnormal. Unfortunately, the blame is by default placed on the woman. The man thinking, what’s wrong with her, is she not really into me? Or a woman feeling self-conscious that she might need just a little more time.
Now I understand that it’s just how my body works. I know that “wetness” is no sign of how turned on I am. It’s just an aid in the sexual process.
My boyfriend laid me back further onto the bed and pushed my legs into the air. He caressed me a bit longer, teasing me, not quite diving into foreplay just yet. He rubbed my inner thighs, the outside of my vagina, and my vulva, he kissed my breasts gently, then he whispered into my ear what he was going to do to me.
Within minutes, I was ready to go. My vagina was cooperating 100%.
That’s all it took was for us to stop rushing, sit back, take our time, and get my mind AND body to work with it before trying to force sex that was still premature. We ended up having great sex. It was smooth and so arousing. I climaxed three separate times, and he went down on me, only coming up for air and to tell me how much he loved my taste and smell.
The moral of the story is, that if a woman isn’t wet, it’s not anybody’s fault or the sign of a defective woman. But there are lots of things you can do to try to make it happen down there. Soft kissing, touching, sultry dialogue and most of all teasing are all crucial elements to the totality of a sex session. So many men have tried to just barrel past this part and then have gotten hurt when I wasn’t wet to their liking. They didn’t care to understand me, they only cared about their own egos and how bad they felt from feeling like a failure who couldn’t turn a woman on in under 5 minutes just by being attractive.
But…they really didn’t even try…
So yes, while those twelve reasons why a woman isn’t getting wet from Glamour might be true for some people, I think there’s an overwhelming amount of women rushing into sex with men right now, who just aren’t being stimulated properly. The solution is to ask what she wants.
Gentlemen, she’ll be more than happy to tell you if you ask her what she desires and how she likes to be touched to get her aroused in earnest. Be prepared for a non-sexual answer, too. If you’re expecting to hear that we want a toy shoved in our dry butts to arouse us, safe to say it’s a very rare woman who feels that way.
Vaginas are intricate, beautiful things, and they should be respected. But the man who respects the vagina he’s with can master it, and that’s how you become a great sex partner.
And that, in turn, says a lot about what your relationship is like. Think: what does it say about your relationship when your partner won’t even take a few minutes (or seconds) to ensure you’re sufficiently comfortable for sex? What does it say about how that person views women? Do you think that person believes women are more of an object for their own pleasure alone, a subject that they desire to please, or somewhere in the middle?
Looking back on my sex and relationship history, I see plenty of men who wouldn’t even take five minutes to give me the attention that I now realize I deserved all along. How young I was! Now, I can finally be thankful that I claimed my womanhood and found someone who respects it.
Check out the Bustle article at the bottom of this story for more about vaginal wetness from sex educators and doctors.
Thanks for reading. This is a guest post on The Science of Sex. You can follow me, Nicole Mackenna, and my Substack, Wild & Sexy, right here…if you dare.