Last week I wrote about wanting more time with my rapidly growing kids. The very next day my daughter ended up sick and I suppose I got what I asked for, although caring for a cranky almost 6 year old wasn’t exactly the quality time I had been seeking. This week my son is fighting the very same cold and I am once again struggling to carve out time to work in the razor thin margins of motherhood.
We are 3 weeks into the school year and my kids have yet to both attend a full day together, which means my time is even more fractured than I planned for. On the surface it feels like it might be easier to ignore my emails and cancel my meetings and avoid writing altogether, but I know that turning the other way will lead me further away from myself.
We are sold a narrative that motherhood is selfless work, we are told that that we must prioritize the wants and needs of our kids above our own, we are taught that in order to be a ‘good’ mother we must ignore ourselves. But I have repeatedly learned that as my kids needs grow, so do my own.
As my kids needs grow, so do my own.
The more they need me the more I need to check in and prioritize myself. Neglecting my own needs and selflessly throwing myself into motherhood in order to be available for them never works. This was not part of the script I received upon becoming a mother, but instead a hard earned lesson I learned along the way.
I tried and failed at doing it all, I made my kids the priority time and time again, I martyred myself into oblivion, until I finally realized I wasn’t sure where they ended or where I began. It was only through completely neglecting myself that I ultimately realized that this was not the version of motherhood I wanted for my family. My kids didn’t need or deserve a lesser version of me, they needed more.
Being a mother requires being honest with ourselves about which needs can be met through motherhood and which needs must be met through the continued development of self. In many ways this fuller, truer, realer version of me is harder on my family. It requires more strategizing, more scheduling, and more tag-teaming than ever before. It requires saying no instead of yes to certain things, but it also makes me feel more complete and this is what my kids need. I want them to know the best version of me.
The dreams I discussed last week remain untouched and in all honesty my brain feels like mush, but I find myself sitting down at my computer regardless. Prioritizing my time and pouring myself into the things that make me feel the most like me, despite the very real roadblocks that currently stand in my way.
I didn't actually intend to write a newsletter this week but I am willing my words to spill out onto the page because this is one of the ways I connect to myself. Writing helps me process and understand my own life perhaps better than anything else. It is on days and weeks like this that I feel especially grateful for this space, for my words, and for all of you. How are you prioritizing the things that make you feel the most like you?
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