Work is defined as an activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a purpose or result. We live in a society that expects women to work as if they don’t have kids and mother as if they don’t have work, but I know two things to be true, my kids need me and I need ‘work’ which leaves me (and probably many of us) at an interesting crossroads.
The work I am doing now is hands down the most fulfilling work I have ever done, this ‘work’ is a combination of child-rearing and paid work and creative pursuits that do not happen to fit within societies expectations of me, but happen to fill me up in ways I never could’ve imagined. Much like motherhood, my current work doesn’t come with a set schedule or a predictable paycheck but I know this is the work I am meant to be doing, because I realized (just like motherhood) that I would continue doing this work no matter what.
Long before I found the courage to leap head first toward chasing my dreams or launching a business or pivoting ten thousand times, I was nearly a decade into my corporate career and massively pregnant with my son when a whisper popped in my head and said “this isn’t working.” I had zero intentions of leaving my career behind so I silenced my own internal knowing and threw myself back into my work as I had been trained to do.
A month and a half later I welcomed my son into the world and I will be the first to admit motherhood wasn’t anything like I thought it would be. Prior to his birth I naively thought I would pop out a baby, hire a nanny, and head back into the office. But the minute my son was born, my world flipped upside down.
Unexpected complications from his delivery meant that I returned home from the hospital with a 10 pound baby boy, a hospital grade walker, and strict instructions not to lift or carry my son for the next 6 weeks. As if that wasn't complicated enough, I had failed to secure adequate coverage for my work so my out of office read something along the lines of “just had a baby, may be slower than usual to respond.”
To make matters worse, I was fighting through a pain and darkness that is still hard to adequately comprehend or articulate. It wasn’t until I lay in bed, nearly 8 years later, reading Harry Potter to my son that I was finally able to draw a parallel. The dementors, as described in JK Rowling's infamous series, perfectly captured how my first few years of motherhood felt. The extinguishing of street lights and lack of oxygen remain the closest representation I have found to the darkness that haunted me—pitch black inside and constantly holding my breath. Much like the dementors kiss, someone had turned out the light on my life.
I kept most of my postpartum struggles entirely to myself while trying and failing to 'do it all.' More than anything I tried to live up to societies impossible expectations of me, but inside I felt like I was failing at everything. The more I pushed myself in my career, the worse I felt about myself as a mother. The more I mothered, the more I felt like my career was taking a hit. Work and motherhood felt impossibly intertwined, two sides of a competing pendulum, and I didn’t know how to do one without thinking about the other.
At the time I resented my husband who didn't have to pop out an actual baby or nurse him around the clock, who could walk without a limp, and who didn't have to put his own career aspirations on hold. I envied my coworkers whose kids were already grown therefore awarding them more time and space to work. I ultimately realized my career ambitions conflicted with my new role as a mother, but after years and years of climbing I did not know how to slow down.
I ultimately realized my career ambitions conflicted with my new role as a mother, but after years and years of climbing I did not know how to slow down.
Despite my best efforts, two years later the walls began to crack and I knew keeping my career was coming at the expense of myself. By this point there wasn’t much of me left and leaving behind my career and the identity I had built for myself was unlike anything I had ever experienced or felt. I immediately regretted my decision but knew that I owed it to myself and to my family to take some time to figure things out and my life has been a work in progress ever since.
As it turns out staying home to take care of my young son made everyone else's life easier, my husband had the freedom and flexibility to push himself at work without daycare drop offs, my mother and mother-in-law could rest easy knowing their grandson was in the care of his actual mother, my son enjoyed uninterrupted time with me free of the burden of juggling my own career aspirations, and I was free to pour myself into motherhood much like society expected of me. The only problem was that I was miserable and the more I threw myself into motherhood, the worse I felt.
I devoted myself to my kids not because it fulfilled me, but because I thought that was what was expected of me. Because I believed the script that had been handed down for generations, because I didn’t know what else to do. Unlike my corporate career motherhood did not come with a measuring stick, there was no ladder to climb, no promotions to secure or pay increases to achieve. I remember once again hearing the voice in the back of my head - "this isn’t working…" but I knew returning to my past life, that prior version of me was not an option so I once again silenced the whisper.
About a year later I welcomed my daughter into the world and again my life changed overnight, but this time I found myself right side up. My daughter brought a light into my life that had been missing and offered me the perspective I had been desperately seeking. One look into her tiny eyes and I saw myself reflected back.
Almost instantly I knew that the only way my daughter would avoid the same struggles I had faced was if I started pushing against the narrative I had received and challenging the script I had been given. I realized her best hope was if I led the way so I stopped ignoring my own whispers and started tackling my fears one by one, showing up for my daughter by first learning how to show up for myself.
Rock bottom became the foundation upon which I rebuilt my life. I went in search of other mothers who had reinvented themselves in the midst of motherhood and after countless conversations I realized how many careers had been lost, how many dreams had been put on hold, how many women were holding themselves back not because it was what they wanted but because that is what was expected of them or because it was the hand they had been dealt.
I realized how many careers had been lost, how many dreams had been put on hold, how many women were holding themselves back not because it was what they wanted but because that is what was expected of them or because it was the hand they had been dealt.
Life is full of ups and downs and motherhood is a constant juggle between our own aspirations and the wants and needs of our kids. I have found that a woman’s desire to mother and her desire to do other things are often pitted against each other. This is a struggle that our male counterparts rarely feel because we are the first line of defense and also because this is the way society has asked women to show up for centuries.
More than anything I believe being a mother requires being honest with ourselves about which needs can be met through motherhood and which needs must be met through the continued development of self. It requires putting on our own oxygen masks first and showing up for ourselves so that we can show up for our kids, not the other way around.
It was only through completely abandoning myself that I ultimately realized this was not the version of me that I wanted to offer my kids. I am grateful for my work because it allows me to mother from a place of strength rather than weakness. I believe that choosing to prioritize the things that matter to me ultimately makes me a better mother and my kids get the best and most authentic version of me. More than anything else, “this isn’t working” no longer rings on repeat in my head and that was a sound track I desperately wanted and needed to replace.
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