If there is one topic that routinely comes up in my own life and in my work, it is money. This is a topic that we, as women, have been told to avoid at all costs, and yet I cannot help but notice how many of us are limiting ourselves based on outdated and harmful narratives. The gender pay gap coupled with societal conditioning has taught women to expect less.
At best, women earn an average of 82 cents for every dollar earned by men. This gap widens by race and ethnicity with white women earning far more than women of color. The introduction of children into the equation further complicates the situation with working moms earning just 74 cents for every dollar paid to dads, again these numbers are far worse for many women of color with Black mothers earning an average of 52 cents, Native American mothers earning an average of 49 cents, and Latina mothers earning an average of 47 cents for every dollar paid to white dads.*
While society has conditioned us to believe that achievement and financial success is what we should be striving for, women receive mixed messaging when it comes to work in the midst of motherhood. Just as our expenses increase (i.e. childcare) our salaries decrease and mothers are routinely forced to reevaluate the work they do. Fatherhood tends to boost men’s earnings while the vast majority of new mothers careers stall at least temporarily. At the exact same time their male counterparts and partners are taught to strive to earn more in order to make up the financial difference and support their families. It is no wonder why so many mothers struggle to redefine work for themselves.
Motherhood left me feeling torn between the life I was told to aspire to and the actual life I had created. My ability to continue to grow in my career was directly linked to my young son who had many needs, and mostly needed me. I tried just about everything to keep my corporate career in tact post kids, but every single solution I could find further eroded the income that was coming in, which was the only reward I had for leaving my young son behind. I tried cutting my hours which came with a substantial pay cut and the exact same amount of work, I hired extra help which obviously added to our household expenses, and I tried doing it all but mostly felt like I was failing at everything.
When given the choice to build my career or spend additional time with my son, I chose my son. I quit my job just before my son turned two and shortly before getting pregnant with my daughter, but I cannot help but wonder what my life would look like had my career continued to grow instead of stall, had my paycheck continued to increase instead of shrink. Unlike my corporate career, motherhood didn’t come with a measuring stick; there were no promotions to secure, no pay increases to achieve. For the first time in my life, I didn’t know what I should be reaching for.
Choosing between my work and my kids was by far one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make and unfortunately staying home and not contributing to my family financially further eroded my sense of self. I quickly learned that my sense of worth had been closely tied to my work and my income.
As someone who had worked consistently since the age of 14 and had been raised by a full time working mother, I had been inadvertently taught not to rely on anyone but myself. Leaving my career behind and relying on my husband's salary to support my family was in direct opposition to the narrative that I had formed in my head. Despite saving our family lots of money in the form of childcare costs, learning to let my husband support us singlehandedly came with a very steep learning curve and more than a few tears.
To complicate things even further, my own mom encouraged me to stay home, an option that was not available to her while society was telling me to prioritize my family. As a new mother also in the throes of postpartum depression and struggling to understand my own relationship to work and money and motherhood and success, none of this made sense.
In a recent conversation with one of my coaching clients that just so happened to have inspired this essay, she mentioned that her mindset around money comes from her own mother to which I replied “Yes!” While my own mother was most definitely successful in her own right, the stories she told herself about money certainly wore off on me and her dedication to her career while raising my brother and myself furthered my own desire to have both. Which more or less informed my decision to work for myself and help other mothers along the way.
The things we have been taught and told form our mindset around money and work and motherhood. If your own mother stayed home, you likely heard some version of “I wouldn’t trade anything for this time with you.” If you were raised in a dual earning household, you likely learned that “it takes two incomes to raise a family.” If you were raised by a single mother much like myself, you likely learned that “women can only count on themselves.”
While these are vast generalizations, we must check in with ourselves around our money and motherhood mindset. Where is it coming from? When did it form? Is it time to reevaluate how you think about work and motherhood and money?
Where to start: We, as a society, generally pay people for the goods and services we value, but we do not pay mothers. If you are currently working as a caregiver, or if you work part time but your salary is far less than what it once was, or perhaps you dedicate your time to volunteer work while simultaneously raising your kids, I would encourage you to give yourself an imaginary salary. Start to track your hours and figure out what your time is worth? Then pay yourself, put that money in an imaginary bank account and watch your internal sense of self grow - chances are your actual income will grow right along with it!
Nothing will work unless (you) do!
Being a mother requires being honest with ourselves about which needs can be met through motherhood and which needs must be met through the continued development of self. I meet women where they are and guide them toward where they ultimately want to be, illuminating possibilities along the way.
I help women connect with their selves and unlock their purpose, identify their mission, and realign their lives.
I help women navigate career transitions with ease, including accountability, strategic goal setting, and career coaching.
I help women shift their negative self-talk, untangle themselves from the stories and expectations that are holding them back, and overcome their own limiting beliefs.
I help women clarify and define their ideas, plus brainstorm and troubleshoot ways to push themselves forward fearlessly.
If you are looking to redefine work in the midst of motherhood or align your life, I highly encourage you to book a free intro call here. My coaching practice is almost full and I only have room for one (or possibly two) new clients before 2024. In case you are curious, this is how I pay myself for all the writing and mothering that I do and I want the same for you!
The Latest Posts:
#58: Wanting: Trust your wanting.
#57: Commitment: When in doubt, commit.
#56 Goals: Nothing will work unless you do.
#55 Knowing: Knowing is not enough, we must do what we know.
#53 Priorities: Know your priorities.
#52 Time: The days are long, but the years are short.
#51 Avoidance: Avoidance only delays the inevitable.
#50 Roadblocks: Roadblocks, Hurdles, Detours, Obstacles, and Closed Doors.
#49 Ideas: What do we do with our ideas?
#48 Lack: Overcoming lack is how we take our power back.
Full archive here.
The Latest from the Podcast:
Self/Talk: a weekly pep talk for your self.
#5: Work, Motherhood, and Self.
Join the conversation here.
*Gender pay gap data found in this article from 2022.
This topic and your guidance around it is really important. I knew the messages around motherhood, work and money that came from my mom impacted me but I was unaware of how deeply and how much they have unconsciously affected me.