Shortly after the birth of my first kid, in the throes of postpartum depression, I turned to my husband and said, “I cannot even remember who I was before I had our son.” It was as if everything I knew pre-kids was erased in a matter of days. The combination of my out of control hormones, the stress of navigating new motherhood, the sleeplessness involved in nursing a newborn, and the lack of boundaries I had established in my corporate career culminated in my own demise.
Adding my newborn son into my life blurred the edges just enough that I utterly and completely lost myself. I wasn’t sure if I should continue pushing myself at work or take a step back to prioritize time with my young family. I didn’t know if I should be scheduling visitors or protecting my own well-being. I didn’t know when to say yes or when to say no. I knew that I needed to begin making time for the things that mattered to me, to begin to peel back the layers and try to find myself in the mess of new motherhood, but the truth is I didn’t know how to do either of these things because I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted.
Then one day, not that long after welcoming my son into the world I picked up a book that had been sitting on my nightstand and then another. Those women and their words allowed me to slowly find bits and pieces of myself without ever having to leave the house. With time, their stories returned me to myself and I inadvertently identified my first non-negotiable. Despite still being completely sleep deprived, I needed to find time to read because reading made me feel the most like me.
Please note that reading had absolutely nothing to do with my job or my family or any of the outward versions of success I had been told to strive for, reading was mine and benefitted me alone. That first year of motherhood I struggled to find time to read a small handful of books, but each time I did I felt a bit more whole and each year I added a few more.
This was nearly a decade ago and my reading habit continues to grow. The truth is I am a shell of myself without words, without stories, without the pages of a good book and the uninterrupted time to actually read them. This was one of the first ways I ‘remembered’ myself in the midst of motherhood and continues to be the best way for me to fill myself up. I read 57 books this past year, exceeding my goal and nearly doubling my yearly book count from last year. When I say reading is a non-negotiable I mean it, I wholeheartedly prioritize this time for myself and when I don’t it most definitely shows.
All month long I am hosting a Help Your Self Challenge: a weekly opportunity to check in with yourself because I have repeatedly learned that nothing will work unless (you) do. We must work on ourselves to make our lives work for us, not the other way around. The Help Your Self Challenge is free, requires very little from you, and is sure to provide you with a bit more peace of mind. All month long I will be sending small, bite-sized prompts and exercises with tangible takeaways designed to help you attend to your well-being and align your life.
If you are meant to read (like me) but routinely put it off or prioritize other things, you will likely feel less than great. If you are meant to launch a business but opt to stick with your comfort zone, you will likely feel stuck or frustrated. If you are meant to switch careers but repeatedly talk yourself out of this big transition, you will likely feel burnt out. And the list goes on and on…
Now is the perfect time to check in with yourself and set yourself up for future success. Last week we got to know ourselves and this week’s prompt is all about identifying our non-negotiables.
Challenge #2: Non-Negotiables.
1. Figure out what makes you, you.
If you are anything like me, then you likely need to try a few things on for size. Identifying what makes you, you is rarely easy or straightforward but has the capacity to fundamentally change your life as knowing who you are is what life is all about. It is also important to note that the things that make us feel the most whole do not always match with what we have been told to strive for. Grab a piece of paper and a pen and list everything that brings you joy!
2. Identify your non-negotiables.
Review the list you just created and circle anything that makes you feel the most like you. Perhaps you are extroverted and absolutely must schedule time with friends in order to check this particular box or perhaps you are an achiever and absolutely must strive to accomplish something every day, these are your non-negotiables and chances are when you are not reaching for them you feel a lot less like yourself. I have included mine below for reference but be sure to check in with yourself because we all need different things to thrive.
Reading: challenging myself to read 52 books took this category to a whole new level for me this past year.
Writing: writing is how I make sense of life and my words always seem to guide me forward regardless of whether I choose to share them or not.
Exercise: I rarely enjoy exercising until it is done but it is without a doubt one thing I need to feel like the best version of me.
Growth: pushing at the edges of my comfort zone (while not always comfortable) has repeatedly proven to be something that I personally need.
3. Make time for the things that matter to you.
It is one thing to know what we need and a completely different thing to schedule it and make time for it. I have a daily reminder on my calendar and on my phone so I never forget my non-negotiables and I highly suggest you do the same. If I ‘accidentally’ forget to read or write or exercise or grow (aka push myself) then everything feels off until I once again prioritize these things and this is how I know what matters most. What’s on your list of non-negotiables? How can you make time for the things that matter most to you?
Share one thing you are including on your non-negotiable list in the comments below and you will be entered to win a ‘Putting the Her back into Motherhood’ t-shirt and a Free 30 minute coaching call with me.
My 2023 Year End Book Review:
Below are my favorite books from the past year, not my entire list because some weren’t worth reading or recommending. The books I tend to read center around motherhood, marriage, creativity, and growth. Feel free to take what you need and leave what you don’t.
On Motherhood and Marriage:
Screaming on the inside by Jessica Grose - this book discusses the unrealistic expectations placed on mothers in America and empowers today’s mothers to make choice that actually serve them and their children.
Momfluenced by Sara Petersen - this book explores the impact of picture perfect mom-influencer culture on women and addresses how the private work of mothering has been turned into a public performance for money, but at what cost? This book is one of the main reasons I decided to stop posting pictures of my kids on Instagram.
Nine lives of Rose Napolitano by Donna Frietas - a powerful novel about the choices women must make and how they ultimately shape our lives. This book will definitely get your thinking as it touches on motherhood, love, loss, identity, and compromise.
Lady Tan’s Circle of women by Lisa See - a truly moving historical novel that addresses the importance of female friendship and follows the life of a female doctor in a time when women were not encouraged to work, especially as mothers.
Untamed by Glennon Doyle - a moving memoir that explores the joy and peace we discover when we stop striving to meet others’ expectations and start trusting the voice deep within us. I return to this book at least once a year and the lessons continue to ring true.
Fair play by Eve Rodsky - an interesting read for anyone looking to rebalance their parenting responsibilities.
Fleisman is in Trouble by Taffy Brodesser-Akner - a witty novel about marriage, divorce, and ambition.
The Mamas by Helena Andrews-Dyer - this book explores the contradictions of motherhood through a racial, cultural, and socioeconomic lens.
Mothercoin by Elizabeth Cummins Munoz - truly moving stories about immigrant nannies and the love, loss, hope, and sacrifice they endure for their employers families.
Create Anyway by Ashlee Gadd - beautifully written stories depicting the importance of pursing creativity in the margins of motherhood.
Fleisman is in Trouble by Taffy Brodesser-Akner - a witty novel about marriage, divorce, and ambition.
Joan is Okay by Weike Wang - a novel about one women’s culture, career, and family.
Hello Beautiful by Ann Napolitano - a moving novel exploring what is possible when we choose to love someone not in spite of who they are, but because of it.
On Creativity and Growth:
The War of Art Steven Pressfield - one of my favorite books on resistance, creativity, and answering our soul callings to help you break through your inner creative battles. I return to this book multiple times a year and recommend it to anyone looking to live a creative life.
Do the Work by Steven Pressfield - a great follow up to The War of Art including tools to take action and push through resistance.
The Creative Act by Rick Rubin - a beautiful and inspiring book on creation, creativity, and what it means to be an artist.
The Way Forward by Young Pueblo - a beautiful collection of poetry designed to help you to know yourselves well and fully.
The Artists Way by Julia Cameron - an invaluable guide to living the artists life and another one that I return to often.
Write for Life by Julia Cameron - creative tools for the everyday writer.
The Right to Write by Julia Cameron - an invitation into the writing life.
Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott - instructions on writing and life.
Creative Confidence by Tom Kelley and David Kelley - identify the principles and strategies that will allow you to tap into your creative potential in your work lives, and in your personal lives, and allow you to innovate in terms of how we approach and solve problems.
The Art of Work by Jeff Goins - a path toward passion and purpose.
Ask and It Shall be Given by Abraham Hicks - this book is all about manifestation. I also read The Astonishing Power of Emotions by Ester and Jerry Hicks and the Law of Attraction by Ester and Jerry Hicks. Not the easiest or most straightforward books to read, but interesting concepts.
Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill - an inspirational and motivational classic for individuals who are interested in furthering their lives and reaching their goals.
The 5AM Club by Robin Sharma - habits to create a morning routine, although not something I have personally mastered yet.
The Light We Carry by Michelle Obama - your guide to overcoming in uncertain time, such an incredible book full of perspective.
Solito by Javier Zamora - a beautiful memoir of survival and love between strangers who immigrated together.
The Choice by Dr Edith Eva Eder - such a powerful memoir about love and loss and freedom, plus transforming our lives through our relationship with our minds.
The Book of Longings by Sue Monk Kidd - an inspiring novel and unforgettable account of one woman’s bold struggle to realize the passion and potential inside her, while living in a time, place, and culture devised to silence her.
Cloud Cuckoo Land by Anthony Doerr - this was by far the most challenging book I have read in years, it really stretched my imagination.
Dear Edward by Ann Napolitano - this book is all about character and capturing what it means to survive and thrive against the odds.
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Tiffany, I love that you shared the books you read with the snippets about them. Saving this one! So so many we share in common here. Let me know if you ever want to do a book club IRL, cause I'd be so in. I am also waking up from a haze of what has been the era of the influencers. From consumerism, the motherhood aesthetics, toxic diet and wellness culture and sharenting... I have fallen prey to trying to live up to certain ideals, romanticizing a life that isn't mine all the while feeling less than. IG is so not what it used to be. I recently had a personal renovation that upended A LOT of things for me and I am still reeling from it. I am so grateful for yet another cosmic shift in my psyche. Last month I decided to 'detox' my media life and deleted IG (among others) off my phone and am choosing to not have a relationship with it other than a nice landing page and launch page for PoppyMaven if I ever go back to selling jewelry (I am in a rut, and choosing to write and sketch instead which is refreshing). I love reading your inspiring and deep posts. I think we need to actually hang out. I'd love to talk all about writing, creativity and all the things IRL.
My non-negotiable are writing my morning pages, reading (Substack is a new favorite but I usually start my day with Simple Abundance by Sara Ban Breathnach for the past 3 years) carefully curated playlists, morning walks, sketching, learning something and being grateful!
Reading and writing are both non-negotiables for me ❤️ p.s. Did you watch the series for fleishman is in trouble? I watched but haven’t read the book and I’m curious how the two compare!