If you have ever been in the passenger seat of a car (which I am guessing you have), then you’ve likely seen the little warning sticker that says “objects in mirror are closer than they appear.” In fact, it is likely that you have seen that same message so many times that it no longer registers; meaning it is so ingrained in your mind that your eyes skip right over it. And the warning is so small I highly doubt any driver has the time (or the eye sight) to heed this warning while driving, instead we make these tiny adjustments without ever thinking about them.
We all have plenty of mirrors we tend to ignore, not just the physical kind such as our side mirrors, but the mirrors we experience in the people we surround ourselves with and/or the people we regularly see on the internet. Much like the warning label that we routinely skip right over, we tend to disregard or at the very least fail to acknowledge the comparisons we make in our every day lives, but these habitual associations happen whether we admit them or not and most definitely affect us. While different types of mirrors represent different things, I have come to believe that the more we ‘see’ something mirrored back to us in others the more we need to tune into what it is trying to tell us about ourselves.
What if the people we compare ourselves to or secretly envy are actually mirroring something we need, what if that thing that we covet or that person we admire is actually nudging us and trying to get our attention on purpose. What if the more we saw these mirrors the closer we were to actually having that thing for ourselves. And what if we actually took the time to analyze and reflect on whether these mirrors were the right or wrong mirrors for us personally.
4 different types of mirrors:
Unexamined mirrors - the people we spend our time with or follow on the internet without pausing to ask ourselves whether these connections are in our best interest.
Examined mirrors - the people we intentionally spend our time with or follow on the internet in an effort to push ourselves forward due in part to their presence.
Mirroring - conscious or unconscious act of imitating others, often to gain social acceptance or to create mutually satisfying social relationships.
Believing mirrors - the people who believe in you.
Unexamined Mirrors: I spent years quietly comparing my life to women on the internet without questioning if these comparisons were helping or hurting me; influencer culture took hold right around the time my son was born and the isolation I was feeling at the time was met with the ‘ease’ of opening my smartphone. I spent countless late nights feeding my young son while snuggled beneath the warm glow coming from the glorified instagram feed that was keeping me company. I never paused to question what this curated and edited perspective might be doing to me personally. Without fully understanding it, these women became my ‘unexamined mirrors’ although the reflection that I saw did not match my own lived experience, I will be the first to admit they left me feeling less than on more than one occasion.
If you want to explore the impact of social media on motherhood, I highly recommend
book Momfluenced where she articulates this phenomenon perfectly. She says, “On Instagram, the private work of mothering is turned into a public performance, generating billions of dollars. The message is simple: we’re all just a couple of clicks away from a better, more beautiful experience of motherhood.” Ugh, I definitely fell for this one hard. It took me a long time to realize, but quietly consuming someone else’s life was not the same as changing mine.Quietly consuming someone else’s life was not the same as changing mine.
Examined Mirrors: It was only through seeing myself reflected in my kids eyes that I fully recognized that the life I was living wasn’t mine and felt like a lie. I was neither happy or fulfilled pretending to be satisfied and the longer I ignored my own desires, the further motherhood took me away from myself. In order to be the mom my kids needed, I needed to be honest with myself about who I was and what I actually wanted. I realized my kids deserved the fullest and truest and realest version of me and that kickstarted my own journey toward doing the inner work required to right-size my life. Let me be clear that choosing a life that included things beyond my kids was neither easy or convenient, in many ways opting out of staying home made my life much more challenging.
But with time and a bit of self-reflection I began to identify a trend in the type of content I had been consuming, the type of women I had been envying, and the type of life they were illuminating for me. When I stopped to actually examine my envy, analyze my comparisons, and effectively understand what these mirrors were telling me they were all pointing toward one thing. I could clearly see they were reaching out to me and encouraging me to pursue a life that was different than my own.
I could clearly see they were reaching out to me and encouraging me to pursue a life that was different than my own.
While I was far from achieving anything similar for myself, I began to imagine a life that these women helped unlock for me. It took me years to actually achieve, but I eventually went on to reinvent myself in the midst of motherhood much like the women I had been admiring for years through those tiny little squares. And through my own experience following my own examined mirrors, my life came to reflect something similar to what I had seen in my very own feed but actually felt like me.
Mirroring: There is another type of mirror worth mentioning here and that is the act of ‘mirroring’ which is defined as the behavior in which one person imitates the gesture, speech pattern, or attitude of another. Mirroring often occurs in social situations, particularly in the company of close friends or family. Mirroring can be conscious or unconscious, meaning it can be either a deliberate act to create a favorable response, or a reflection of a person's natural interest in creating mutually satisfying social relationships. Whether intentional or not, mirroring can reflect a need to gain acceptance from others.
In many ways, my first business was a direct result of mirroring women who had reinvented themselves in the midst of motherhood through building businesses. I wish I could say that my first dream was the result of careful consideration or well-executed planning, but mostly I saw women doing what I wanted to be doing and I went on to create my version of that thing for myself. Had I examined my own envy and comparison a bit more, I think I eventually would’ve landed upon work much more similar to what I am doing now, but like I said that prior version of me was desperate for a new direction and also incredibly impatient.
I only did half of the work required and so I landed half-way between where I was and where I ultimately wanted to be. Upon further reflection the business I set out to create, definitely filled a void in my own life in the form of work, but did not satisfy my own internal craving for flexibility. This unexamined mirror remained hidden from me until after I closed my first business. It was only through stumbling upon much more flexible work for myself that I began to notice how different my examined mirrors businesses were from my first.
I only did half of the work required and so I landed half-way between where I was and where I ultimately wanted to be.
Believing Mirrors: I also want to pause briefly to discuss another type of mirror. Julia Cameron defines “believing mirrors as people who mirror us back to ourselves as powerful, strong, and in our most positive light.” Meaning they are the people who see in us what we cannot yet see, they are the ones who encourage us and remind us of our strength where we tend to see our own faults. We happen to be our own worst enemies, but with the help of a few believing mirrors we can begin to recognize our own power within. Being a believing mirror to others means reflecting their emotions, thoughts, and experiences without judgment.
I have had the pleasure of surrounding myself with a handful of supportive believing mirrors over the years and I can wholeheartedly say these women changed my life. They are the reason I was able to create my first business and the reason I was able to rise from those ashes to create a second. It has been said that you are the result of the 5 people you spend the most time with, meaning that whether you know it or not you are influenced by the people you surround yourself with, so choose wisely.
While I have certainly made both good and bad choices when it comes to mirrors and mirroring, I have come to believe that the more we see people doing what we want to be doing the closer we are to finding it for ourselves. However, we must examine who we choose as our mirrors in order to ensure we do not end up heading in the wrong direction or wasting time or resources pursing a life that was actually intended for someone else. We must also tune in to ensure that we are not habitually aligning our lives or ignoring the signs without care or concern for what our mirrors are trying to show us. I also want to point out that ‘objects in mirror are closer than they appear’ so please pay attention to what is being reflected back to you. The right mirrors might just change your life for the better.
The right mirrors might just change your life for the better.
Just for fun: Justin Timberlake released a new song titled Mirrors which offers a different perspective on how our loved one’s become our reflection and mirror ourselves back to us. This song, was the final sign I needed to lean into writing about mirrors and the imagery of this music video, especially towards the end, is a beautiful reflection of how all of our identities begin to blend together.
Looking for support? Here are four ways I can support you right now:
Sometimes you need guidance to point you in the right direction until you can unlock it for yourself. Pick a random number between 1-70 then go read that past newsletter which can be found in my archives for some instant guidance. This week I got #9 which says that the thing you keep dreaming about is the thing you are meant to be doing!
I help women to know and understand themselves so they can mother from a place of strength. Two of my current coaching clients are on standby this month which means that I have a tiny bit of availability in my weekly schedule. If you have been dreaming about creating a more fulfilling life or you simply need a bit of support, now is your chance to work with me.
Nobody is coming to save you, you must help your self. Download the free Help Your Self workbook designed to kickstart your self-discovery journey. Research show that you are 35% more likely to achieve your goals and vision if it is written down and this is a great place to start.
Accountability is the glue that ties commitment to result. I recently opened a few spots for monthly accountability coaching, this is by far my most accessible and affordable coaching option available and accountability partners have even shown to increase your chances of success by 95%, let me be yours!
The Latest Self/ish Posts:
#69 Strength: May your struggles help you find your strength.
#68 Transformation: Change is inevitable, transformation is a choice.
#67 Incubate: All good things take time.
#66 Decide: One day or day one, you decide.
#65 Joy: Identify what brings you joy and choose that over everything else.
#64 Non-negotiables: Make time for the things that matter to (you).
#63 Help: Nobody is coming to save you, you must help your self.
#61 Visualize: Visualize your best self and start showing up as her.
#60 Clarity comes from engagement, not thought.
#59 Money: Women deserve to be paid.
Full archive here.