There are two types of envy, the one that hurts you and the one that changes you.
Here we are going to talk about the life changing type. The envy that makes you stop and self reflect, that is asking you to reevaluate what it is that you want, then asking yourself what steps are necessary to achieve it.
Envy often gets packaged as jealousy, but these are two vastly different things. Envy means you desire something while jealousy is the feelings of resentment that comes from that desire. Envy without resentment is what we are aiming for here. It is the discontented or longing feeling aroused by someone else’s possessions, qualities, or luck.
We tend to avoid envy and rarely want to admit that we envy others, but parts of envy can be incredibly helpful in understanding ourselves. If we are only viewing envy as a negative then we will never be able to understand our own longing, we will never be able to uncover the things that we want and need.
In life, we get lots and lots of opportunities to choose again and redirect our lives. I have found that it is often the thing that is triggering us most that needs our attention, in my case that showed up in the form of envy years ago.
Prior to building my business I spent years silently longing for a life different than my own. I was the mom of two young kids, who had reluctantly let go of my corporate career to be more available for my family, which turned out to be at the expense of myself. I found myself trapped by the burden of raising my littles all the while ignoring myself, and my own deep desire to reach for something more.
It wasn’t until I began to assess my own envy that things begun to change - first inside of me and then outwardly. For years I silently envied women who had reinvented themselves in the midst of motherhood. I followed along on their journeys and envisioned myself as a mother who had fulfilling work, not in spite of but because of my kids. I had found, mostly thanks to the internet, a group of women who I felt were doing it right - building businesses while raising young kids - and I wanted (and needed) what they had. But I also had no idea how to achieve it.
It took years to find the courage to begin walking in the right direction but for me the very first step was assessing and questioning my envy. It was identifying ‘who’ I envied and exactly ‘what’ I envied about their life that became the very first stepping stone on my journey. It wasn’t until I started unpacking the envy that it finally clicked, I longed for my own business that I could build alongside raising kids. This realization fundamentally changed my life and I haven’t looked back since.
Have you ever stopped to think about who you envy and more importantly why? Envy can be a useful way to recognize in ourselves what we truly value.
The more we see others who have what we want, the closer we are to finding it for ourselves.
Questions to ask yourself:
Who do you envy?
What about them do you envy (i.e. income, status, etc.)?
What about their life is different than your own?
Take action:
What is one step you can take to get closer to the vision of yourself you identified through envy.
I recorded an entire podcast episode on this topic with Lisa Anderson Shaffer on Joy is Now, if you want to learn more about Envy and my perspective on the subject go give it a listen, here. Please note this episode was recorded in May of 2021 before I made the decision to close my business and reinvent my life all over again.