My journey began nearly 8 years ago, at the time I was almost a decade into my corporate career and massively pregnant with my first child. I was no longer eligible for air travel, a considerable part of my job at the time so I was sitting in my office on a conference call - long before zoom was an actual thing when I heard a tiny whisper - it said, "this isn’t working…"
I had ZERO intentions of leaving my career behind so I silenced the whisper and threw myself back into my work. A month and a half later I welcomed my son and I will be the first to admit motherhood was NOTHING like I thought it would be. Prior to his birth I naively thought I would pop out a baby, hire a nanny, and head back into the office. But then he was born and my world flipped upside down overnight.
Unexpected complications from my delivery meant that I returned home from the hospital with my 10 pound baby boy, a hospital grade walker, and strict instructions not to lift or carry my son for the next 6 weeks. As if that wasn't complicated enough, I had failed to find coverage for my work so my out of office read something along the lines of JUST HAD A BABY, MAY BE SLOWER THAN USUAL TO RESPOND TO EMAILS.
Those early newborn days were definitely a BLUR as they often are, but what ensured was a nearly 2 year battle with postpartum depression, most of which I kept entirely to myself. I spent all of my days pretending that I had it 'all together' and all of my nights crying uncontrollably while nursing my young son. I continued to try to 'do it all,' but felt like I was failing at everything. The more I pushed myself in my career, the worse I felt about myself as a mother. The more I mothered, the more I felt like my career was taking a hit.
I remember thinking and wishing that someone would come and save me, that someone would sneak into the nursery late at night and hand me a crystal ball or at the very least turn on the LIGHT, I kept thinking this journey of navigating life and work and motherhood SHOULDN'T be so DAMN hard. I kept hearing that whisper, “this isn’t working…”
I resented my husband who didn't have to pop out our actual baby, who could walk without a limp, and who didn't have to put his career aspirations on hold. I envied my coworkers whose kids were already grown therefore awarding them more time and space to work. And I ultimately realized my career ambitions conflicted with my new role as a mother, but after years and years of climbing I did not know how to slow down and I quickly found myself in the fight of my life.
I never imagined my life as a stay at home mom, I did not envy the mothers I saw taking their kids to music class, but was equally burnt out and had no idea where to turn or what to do next. Over time, that first little whisper grew louder and louder - I kept hearing, "THIS ISN’T WORKING…" I tried everything to keep my career in tact and that little part of myself alive - I cut my hours, hired an assistant, and eventually took a massive pay cut, but after two years I felt the walls begin to crack and I knew keeping my career was coming at the expense of myself.
Leaving behind my career and the identity I had built for myself was unlike anything I had experienced in my life. I immediately regretted my decision, but knew that I owed it to myself and to my family to take some time. As it turns out staying home actually made everyone else's life easier, my husband had the freedom and flexibility to push himself at work without daycare drop offs, my mother and mother-in-law could rest easy knowing their grandson was no longer in the care of a nanny but his actual mother, and my son enjoyed uninterrupted time with me free of the burden of juggling my own career aspirations.
I so desperately wanted to LOVE my new role ‘staying home,’ but unfortunately I didn't and the harder I threw myself into mothering the worse it got. I felt lost and confused and missed the parts of myself I had left behind in that office. Motherhood has no measuring stick, unlike my corporate career there was no ladder to climb. No promotions to secure or pay increases to achieve. And I still couldn’t silence that little voice in the back of my head - "THIS ISN'T WORKING…"
About a year later, I unexpectedly welcomed my daughter into the world and once again my life flipped upside down, but this time I found myself back upright. I never imagined having a second kid because I thought that my postpartum depression would intensify and that was a reality I wasn't willing to risk, but thankfully my daughter brought a light into our lives that had been missing.
This season felt different as I slowed down for the first time in what felt like forever and I very quickly realized I had a much bigger dream on my heart. I still longed to work, but not for someone else, I longed to create the support I felt was missing for myself and other mothers. The darkness that had settled in a few years prior slowly started to fade and for the first time in all my years mothering I could finally see the light.
Things began to shift inside of me and rather than fighting against the system; I started fighting for myself, for other women, and for my daughters future. More than anything I realized that SHE deserved so much more support than I had received. I realized that SHE deserved to be encouraged in her future career endeavors. I realized that SHE was me. I made a commitment to myself and I decided to stop ignoring my own whispers, instead I started tackling my fears one by one.
Rock bottom became the foundation on which I begun to rebuild my life. At the time I still felt mostly broken, so I went in search of other mothers who had reinvented themselves in the midst of motherhood and after countless conversations I realized how many careers had been lost, how many dreams had been put on hold, how many women were holding themselves back NOT because it was what they wanted but because THAT is what was expected of them.
Whether they know it or not, those women gave me permission to begin again, to use the hard earned lessons and begin paving a better way forward. If nothing else, I knew that my own struggle would award me the strength to at least try. Slowly but surely I began to put my life back together again.
Two years later I opened my dream - a brick and mortar co-working space with on-site childcare. I wanted other women to feel supported in their career aspirations independent of their kids and I knew that something about my own experience was begging me to so something, anything to create a better way for mothers. I set out to create the very thing I needed most during all those years of juggling and struggling to pursue work while managing life with littles. I set out to bring women together to navigate that journey because I believed that if just one women felt less alone than my own journey would be worth it.
Unfortunately I opened my doors on March 5th of 2020, one week later COVID hit. I once again fought like hell, but I mostly watched my dream dissolve both literally and figuratively until eventually it broke. The truth is that in 2020 this space was the thing holding me together when the world was falling apart and then in 2021 it threatened to take me down with it. When delta hit I heard the whisper loud and clear - "THIS ISN'T WORKING" - and I knew it was time to begin to let go of the dream.
I could go on and on about how the past few years have derailed my dream and threatened to take me down with it, because it did but the truth is I learned more about myself trying and failing to bring that dream to life than I have in all my other years combined.
The irony of building an indoor space designed to bring women together when a pandemic was begging us to stay apart is NOT lost on me. Either is the reality that the thing I was fighting for, work and independence for women and especially mothers was the very thing the pandemic was threatening to take away. And yet, I have realized that we get to decide how we respond.
Life is full of ups and downs and motherhood is a constant juggle between our own aspirations and the wants and needs of our kids. I have found that the days, weeks, months when I crave and need my independence the most are often the days, weeks, months when my kids are sick or the world quite literally shuts down. This is a struggle that our male counterparts rarely feel first because we are the first line of defense and also because this is the way society has asked women to show up for centuries.
We live in a society that will repeatedly tell you that your value as a woman, your career, your independence, and your mental health are less important than your children, but your children would not exist without you. Motherhood is not martyrdom and we need to stop glorifying it as such. Raising strong kids requires a strong mother. Raising brave kids requires a brave mother. Raising kids who value themselves and others requires valuing ourselves.
This season has taught me that our endeavors - be it work, creativity, or motherhood - should never come at the expense of ourselves. We can either fight against our reality and let it derail us, or we can listen to that damn whisper, learn the hard lessons, and choose to begin again.
I believe we are all in a season of rebuilding, some of us are fighting to rebuild ourselves, others are fighting to rebuild our careers or our creative endeavours, some are searching for the courage or the strength to reach for more while others are struggling to simply hold on, but nobody will come out of this pandemic unscathed and the sooner we accept our truth the sooner we can rebuild and pave a better path forward, not just for ourselves but for those coming up behind us.
My journey is far from over and I will continue to honor the whisper, I will continue to choose to let go of the things I once needed in order to get one step closer to the version of me that I believe I was meant to be, and I will continue to fight for other women to do the same.
If you have a dream on your heart pursue it, it life knocks you down let it, then find the strength to stand back up and begin again. This newsletter is my first step in honoring my latest whisper. My goal is to connect women to themselves and to expand their vision of who they are and all they can be!
What is your life trying to tell you through your whispers?!