Food And Addiction
Before I get started with this post, let me be clear of a few things. I have a food addiction. With that being said, I am not going to even remotely compare it to an addiction to alcohol or prescription drugs or things that are not only deadly, but can truly hurt other people. Yes, there are similarities and I get that, but one addiction is not the same as another.
Overall, I have a very addictive personality. I would say most people in my family do, but they have used it to their advantage. Maybe the word can be passionate more than addiction. My dad was a nationally ranked chess player for years and would spend hours upon hours playing and practicing. he could just look at a board without any pieces and play a game in his head. It was actually pretty amazing. My mom got straight A’s in college and I can remember her studying and working hard at all hours of the day. My brother has spent so many hours and sacrifices to be arguably the best baseball writer in the country. In my opinion, he is the best writer in the country and put everything into it.
So with that aspect, I have that same drive to some level. I work very hard at things I want to accomplish. And it consumes me. I wanted to be the best restaurant manager, then wholesale car dealer, then writer…
Well, none panned out. But you get the point.
But I also have a lot of hidden pain and anguish. And I refuse to use alcohol to suppress it. I know the dangers, so I have not had a drink since 1996. I do not abuse prescription drugs. I have lost way too many friends that way. But one thing I do have, and I am well aware of, is an addiction to food.
Now, it is not that I love food. Truth be told, I absolutely hate food. I do not “have” to have a food and would rather do without if I could. But there are times where I have eaten enough so my body gets numb. It is virtually impossible to understand if you have never had the feeling. And I hate it. And I know that this is an issue.
So I work hard every single day to focus on other things. I refuse to turn to drugs or alcohol. But you also cannot replace an addiction with nothing. So I write more and more. I post sports cards, it is now my job. I took everything I learned with wholesale cars and put it into sports cards, which is a lot different than almost everyone I know does cards. And I do talk to someone about working issues I have.
But I also know what food does to me. I have to have it, but I control it now. I write down what I eat. I do not snack or munch on items. I do not have a ton of control if not monitored. It does not make me weak. More people than not have issues that are not visible. they struggle with their own addictions. mine is just visible. Or was.
I am down over 165 pounds now, but I have done this before. I spend my day doing things and keeping busy where I do not get into a position to just eat. And I cannot have just one bite of certain foods. I have to stay away from some. I can fool myself and pretend. And just fall right into a trap that I have for years. I will never have a normal relationship with food, but I also know what I can and cannot control.
I am writing this and being very vulnerable for two reasons. One is when I struggle or feel like something is not right, I like to put it into words so I can read my thoughts. I refuse to sit in a parking lot at 2am with $60 worth of Taco Bell that I paid cash for so no one would know and throw out all the trash on the asphalt.
But my other reason, and the one I truly want to make sure that I focus on here, is that I do not want anyone to ever feel alone. So if one person who has a bad relationship/addiction with food reads this and it hits them, then this is all worth it.
I truly write for two people…me and you.
And will continue to do so.
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