Being a true narcissist, I wanted to see how I look at death’s entrance. Here, I was at a reception for my sister-in-law’s excellent new book when suddenly, I started getting dizzy and had to sit down. But even sitting made me more dizzy, so I stood up and smiled. When disaster is about to happen, I smile. The photograph above I took myself because it was at the moment I was miserable. I was curious how a camera would catch me at my lowest. The thing is, I can’t tell the difference between the happy-go-lucky Tosh and the doomed one. They both look the same to me.
Since my mother and Uncle’s death, I have been living with a workable depression and some anxiety. Now I’m in Tokyo. The beautiful surroundings around me caused a reaction within me that was physical, but I’m pretty sure it’s a mental issue. I haven’t had a panic attack since I was in my 20s, not too soon after a drunk driver killed my father. Honestly, I have been on thin ice since the 1970s. The rapid changes in my life usually caused me discomfort, but still, I knew how to smile through it. That game plan is not working anymore. I wish it weren’t happening in Japan. I want to enjoy the beautiful weather and the joys of walking down Meguro Dori. On the other hand, if I’m going to die, I would be thrilled to die here on Meguro.
Before the event, I walked along the Meguro River, one of my favorite spots in the world. I went through under a bridge, and a series of murals were on its walls. All devoted to what looks like Swinging London. At first, I thought it was The Walker Brothers with a fashion model (Patti Boyd?), but then I could see clearly that it was Charlie Watts on her left, and Brian Jones of the Rolling Stones was kneeling. One of the joys of walking without a thought is running into images such as this. There were some more, and here are two that I admire:
My educated guess is that the source of these images was from the great photographer David Bailey, and they were taken probably around 1965. I love Japan and how it interacts with outside culture and makes it Japanese-like—obsessive images for obsessive people such as me. As I headed toward the book reception, I thought how proud I was of my sister-in-law and her new book, which I will write about shortly. But yes, I wanted to have a good time at the reception, but my body gave out and surrendered to my neurotic thoughts, and I felt embarrassed to become sick among the family and their friends, which made everything worse with the Panic Attack. I would have died if it wasn’t for my wife leading me into an office with a couch. But then, being in a darkened room, alone with my thoughts, relaxed me. But once I had to move out of there, the anxiety returned. It’s very irrational. What I think cured me for now is that I had a series of glasses of wine back home in Meguro. I stopped drinking, except for an occasional glass here or there. But yes, now I think it was a mistake for me to quit drinking. I’m an actual happy drinker. And I stopped drinking wine to control my weight (which works) and general health. But since I’m insane, perhaps I should do more drinking. And Tokyo is very much a drinking society.
Nevertheless, writing all of this down made me feel better. I can’t allow myself to be cooped up with my anxiety. I need to explore my misery and depression as it has been a good pal of mine for decades now.
Beware of Brit Gurus peddling anti-anxiety tapes. Get well.
Keep writing Tosh! It helps you and it helps me too! I look forward to your daily thoughts and experiences. It was a difficult time for me after I lost my mom and my brother. It sucks!