I am looking back at December 31, 2022, as a reference point to see where I am now. 2022 was a horrific year for me due to two family deaths and two deaths of people I care about. The phrase Happy New Year is now tainted with loss and disappointment. So, I focus on what has been done and my feelings accompanying such a journey. 2023 has been a busy year. Nick and I have done three drafts of our script this year, and I have been writing on Substack almost daily. Looking back at what I wrote so far, I can’t believe such a thing has occurred.
Exactly ten years ago, I was at Mike and Tricia’s NYE party, feeling down in the dumps, and as I sat there drinking, an inspiration hit me. I decided to write an essay/narrative every day in 2014 and post it on my blog by 11 am. It was a Georges Perec/Raymond Queneau type of writing activity, but its possibilities turned me on. Every day that year, I woke up between 6 am and 6:30 am to start researching and writing my post. The fact that I did this every day was a physical and a spiritual quest. Queneau/Perec and Robert Benchley inspired me to combine these pieces. Benchley for his humor, but also that he had to write regularly for publications like the New Yorker and elsewhere. They’re almost surreal writings about the everyday life of living in the 20th century in America. Yes, on January 1, 2014, I told myself I can do that too!
In 2024, I have to deal with health issues that can be serious (as not in a ‘ha-ha’), but I will not know until later. Right now, I see it as a possibility, and what bothers me the most is the thought of visiting various doctors in the new year than actually just laying down somewhere to die. Even worse, is that I started to develop anxiety issues, which is a struggle for me to control. The big attack happened in Tokyo out of the blue while I was attending a book party for my wonderful sister-in-law. I was feeling OK until I realized that I was focusing too much on being there; a super awareness took place, which caused me to feel like I was having an out-of-body experience that made me feel ill with vertigo. I was taken to a small, darkened room with a couch, and I lay there trying to empty my brain and think of Yves Klein’s Blue. I calmed down, but the feeling never entirely left me. Even yesterday, having a wonderful chit-chat about the Manson murders, I started to feel weird, and I had to reflect on some other subject to avoid the dizziness and panic feeling.
It seems like I can dwell on my thoughts behind the computer screen and at home, but if I’m out and I chat with someone, it can lead to an anxiety attack. A month ago, I was talking to the owner of a bookstore that I go to all the time, and as I was talking about my anxiety, I found myself staring at a spot on the floor, which made me feel like I was being dragged into that blemish on the ground. I had to look away and go out to get air, but the queasy feeling stayed with me for 30 minutes. So, I must figure out why I get these panicky feelings at most everyday social events.
But it wasn’t all doom and gloom. I visited Japan twice and went to Manhattan/Brooklyn this past year. I love those two locations, but the nagging feeling of things falling apart was always reachable to me, and I tried to keep a distance from my inner feelings. I purchased seven related records by the great British instrumental band The Shadows this year. The guitarist Hank Marvin and his cohorts have kept me sane, as has my intense reading of Marcel Proust. In Search of Lost Time opened up a secret chamber in my heart, and I feel that this work has changed me, but to what degree is still a mystery.
I will spend quality time reading and watching films in the new year, as I hope to see our script being made into a movie or at least get funding for this project. I also have an idea of a longer work focused on my family, but perhaps with fictional touches or not. And I also started working on erotic fiction, which I hope will be finished this year. And yes, I have my fingers crossed that my mind and body will be healthy and alert for future adventures. And don’t fret or worry, friends; the journey continues.
Thank you for all yr good work and inspiration, Tosh. I look forward to all you create in the new year !!!!! love, Jack
Just a short note for you Tosh, and Lun*na to wish the both of you a new year of healing and restoration.