I have been working on a piece of writing that hopefully will become part of this Substack blog. I have to say that it’s challenging to write about something that is stirring into my head and soul and get it out onto paper. I took a walk to clear my head and go on the same route daily, usually in the late afternoon. There is one street connected to the street I live on, and over time, I have seen the same people walking their dogs and the postman delivering the mail. The odd thing is I remember leaving the house, going down the street, and turning to the road in question, and it’s totally blank. My last memory is approaching the street I live on, realizing I have no memory of what happened while on the other road. Something transported me from one end to the other, and the trip's middle part was gone.
I never had this experience before, and I was alarmed but calmed down after getting back behind my work table. When I walk, I deeply engage in my thoughts and imagine myself in situations that may be impossible or a desire of some form or another. I may imagine that I’m talking to someone I admire, or it could be a well-known personality I don’t know in person but someone I’ve read on gossip websites or rumors I have heard from friends. But I do think of multiple things while walking. I can have a sexual fantasy thought but also think of a bill that must be paid when I get home and wonder what the inventory of unsalted peanuts in my kitchen is. I have an annoying fear of waking up in the morning and finding myself out of peanuts. Every morning, I eat oatmeal and put two handfuls of peanuts in my cereal. In fact, for almost all the meals make at home by me, I add peanuts. The little things in life set one off, and not having any peanuts in the household is almost an obsessive fear on my part. Yet, on this particular walk, I concentrated on what to write for my daily column on Substack.
I have a friend, and I notice whenever she sits down or lies on a couch, she makes sure her dress is covering her crotch, which makes sense. But for some odd reason, the image of her doing this has stuck in my head, and I can’t get the vision of her politely holding the dress or skirt down as she sits. The thought of this, a visual memory and a picture in my mind gives me pleasure. If I were a painter, I would do a portrait of this woman, sitting down but elegantly holding the skirt/dress forward or down as she sits. Although I don’t paint, I think obsessively of her doing this, but also what kind of room she may be in, or I re-imagine when I did see her and what setting it was around her. It is almost like a solo dance piece, where she gives a wiggle while keeping the dress down as she sits.
The odd thing is I never had a sexual obsession with this person until I noticed how she sat on a chair. And it’s not like we are the best of friends, but I think about this while walking around my neighborhood. And I try to imagine, just in case, what my food would taste like if I didn’t have peanuts in the household. One of the things I like about Thai food is the nutty taste of nuts in many of their dishes. For example, I’m a fan of Amy’s Pad Thai frozen meal, but without a doubt, there is a need to put more nuts in it. Without it, I would eat the meal thinking about why there aren’t more nuts in this dish.
And yet, even after reading the report that Wagner's head honcho, Yevgeny V. Prigozhin, died in a plane accident, I still have difficulties remembering a walk that I know took place. Still, I can’t recall those minutes for the life of me.
Currently reading Ariane: A Russian Girl by Claude Anet (NYRB, 2023)
... taking a walk, recalling and losing memories, desires/clothing fetishes.. your turning into Murakami..the peanuts gave it away.. the best by the best.. love it Tosh..