When I reached the age of 69, I thought of the word when? As in the estimate of time when I go into the big sleep. Without a doubt, my mother and Uncle’s death in 2022 have left a significant hole in my life but also made me realize that death is very much part of life. Who would have known that the Goths got it right? As I write, I can see my mom’s ashes by the fireplace, and I wonder if people keep their parent's ashes forever or eventually let go of them.
For the last two months, I have either experienced or felt about to enter an Anxiety state. When I talk about it in social gatherings, which is a weird thing to do, but alas, it fits my character, I can feel the anxiety. So, I have to change the subject because even talking about it can cause vertigo or panic feelings in my head, which in turn affects my body. Since I can’t afford a therapist, I want one who focuses on Freud's (extra expensive) theories. I need to take a deep dive into my subconscious, but I must remember to bring an oxygen tank with me.
But seriously, I have been imagining myself on a deathbed, and I wonder how that experience will sit with me. The experience I had with my mom’s passing is a film that plays in my head over and over again. It doesn’t define a person, but it’s part of the big picture, and it's like a portrait done in invisible ink; no one can see it except in memory. It’s hard to share an intimate passing, but when someone like David Bowie dies, it is like someone pulls the hands of time apart, and everything and everyone becomes frozen. It’s the period at the end of the sentence.
But the private deaths are difficult to maneuver through, and it feels like a maze, perhaps like in the film The Shining. It’s a gamble, chum; one moment, you are with Brando and Sinatra in a dice game, and then you’re the only one standing with that memory that never leaves you.
There’s no place to go and we are going there. This is the going and the coming. This moment.
It seems being anxious is a natural response to things being deeply whacky in the world in ways that rock ones' sense of security. Breathing helps alot.
Like long walks and climbing up stairs.
Something is deeply wrong with those who aren't a bit anxious and angry . When I am unable to redirect that on the verge of panic feeling I retreat to somewhere calm and when that doesn't
help I take an amino supplement called "Gaba Calm" and feel MUCH better by the next day. Time becomes more valuable as ones' becomes shorter and
small/polite talk at gatherings can feel like a collosal waste of it. Do what nourishes your body and spirit the most.
We will all go sometime and reintegrate
on an energtic level back to constituant
elements . Whats' not to get anxious about?