The Summer I Paid To Meet a Guy
On growing up a Manifestor, taking up space, Visual Kei, and unapologetic self-expression
Life, I knew, was supposed to be more joyful than this, more real, more meaningful, and the world was supposed to be more beautiful. We were not supposed to hate Mondays and live for the weekends and holidays. We were not supposed to have to raise our hands to be allowed to pee. We were not supposed to be kept indoors on a beautiful day, day after day.— Oliver Burkeman
It’s not close to Leo season yet as I write this, although Venus in Leo is bringing stuff up already. I have a major issue with being seen, and especially being seen in an “authentic” way (a whole essay could be written about what that even means). I agonised for a week about one question in an interview. It was none of the insights. It wasn’t the vulnerable sad stuff about my past. It was the one about who I would want to meet. You may have seen the interview in Notes, but if not you can read it here.
I was trying to think of someone that would make me look cool (yes, even after making Hakuoki the entirety of my personality…).
Leo is my Midheaven, and the ruling planet of Leo (the Sun) is in Capricorn parallel half my birth chart. I have this constant struggle between how I must appear to be taken seriously, and how I thrive on creative self-expression. Which includes my inability to take myself too seriously after all.
And so, in the end, I let myself be seen for the fangirl I really am. Maybe the Universe is going to honour that wish one day and the humiliation will be worth it. In the meantime, within days of the interview going live, I decided to pay for a meet and greet at Hyper Japan. The girl who once had to tell a club doorman that Klaxons were in the queue, and has been on the Horror’s tour bus, and had a drunk Adam Green hit on her mum (no, for real. It was hilarious). Not going to lie, my pride has took a bit of a hit, but that’s only because of how much I made that vague illusion of having made it mean about me.
At the end of the day, I’m not Pamela Des Barres, and my life isn’t Almost Famous. Yet, at least. I’m still young and have a baby face, and I really look good in black leather and leopard print. Not quite the style of someone who I have recently found out was a fellow 29° Leo Midheaven, Jackie (Kennedy) Onassis.
This newsletter is called “Witchy Musings” for a reason, and one is that I jump from one thought to the next like a leaf flying in the wind on an Autumn afternoon. But I find something fascinating about the fact she has her Midheaven at the fate degree in the sign of self-expression (which in degree theory rules the degree too, so Leo on Leo) and what we mostly remember her for is being a wife.
Mind you, despite how much I struggled with embracing that identity for myself, I’m not implying being a wife is not a valid way to self-express. I just find it interesting that she literally has the cusp of the house of career, social status, and contribution to society so tied to being in a public position through her marriages. When, really, if one looks at her early life, she was an impressive woman in her own right. When she met Kennedy, she was working for the Washington Times-Herald as an inquiring photographer. And her style slayed, just saying.
I was reminded of a quote by C.S. Lewis talking about Christianity, but really it could apply to so many things. Including our personality, I would argue. “I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.” I could go on a major tangent here about how hard it is to deconstruct in light of that, and maybe one day I will. I keep toying with the idea of making this a weekly newsletter because I find that I always have so much to say about the energy of the season (let me know if you’d like that, although as a Manifestor I should just follow the urge like it’s the White Rabbit and go for it).
Leo (which is fixed fire energy) is unafraid to live big and to be extraordinary. The area where we have Leo in our chart especially is the area of life where we are called to shine our personality unapologetically. The irony of doing that as a Capricorn Sun in the 10th House is not lost on me: Capricorn is ambitious but subdued, with tunnel long-term vision and the ability to initiate in all earthly matters.
I’m writing this as I’m about to go on a podcast that has seriously successful entrepreneurs as guests to talk about money, and I have some major impostor syndrome coming up. I was invited to apply, they know me and my story, they chose to have me and yet I’m here like “Do I even have anything to contribute?”, trying to finish this newsletter that I started about 10 days ago and left hanging and is now due out tomorrow.
Insightful vulnerability is the name of the game on this platform, at the end of the day. I’m baring all my mistakes and insecurities for the world to see so that someone else will know even those who look successful on the outside aren’t perfect, and so they can relax their expectations of themselves and where they are. In a way, I feel like this is my 29º Leo Midheaven mission in this lifetime. If I try to think of shining my light in a way that shows me like a reel from the kitchen of an aesthetic mum I feel like vomiting.
Leo energy, however, is not about fame. We’re not all meant to be influencers with a million followers or world-famous rockstars and composers who get concerts at the Royal Albert Hall (yes, that’s right, Yoshiki is coming back to this side of the world). It’s about recognition.
Last week, my mother (who was visiting) made a comment about how I’m clearly not built to function with obligations and deadlines. “You just need a rich man to pay for your living and servants, so you can do your things at your own pace” (applications welcome, jk or am I?). She does not have the symbolic language of Human Design to express it, but, after my entire lifetime, it’s like she finally sees me as me and not an extension of herself that needs to be exactly like her to validate her and raise her low self-esteem a little.
She finally saw me as the Manifestor. Not a dreamer who can come up with insane notions she rarely brings to life (undefined Head and Ajna FTW) and when she does, she never truly brings to an end which to her is a major problem. She saw me as someone meant to move with her own flow, and have others carry the load of bringing something to completion.
Of course she has no idea that’s what she has done, and would probably laugh at the very notion that she is now a little bit skilled in reading energetics, but it serves as a great reminder that Leo as Oresama energy may be funny for Threads, but it’s not the only flavour of Leo that there is. After all, even Tokiya in Utapri is a Leo.
What I’ve been loving this month
📚 The manga Ossan Idol. I found out about it after searching for more content on middle aged idols following the release of Eternal Boys (not my watch recommendation but also, yes my watch recommendation, I need more people to fall in love with Makoto).
Read it for free with a Kobo Plus membership
🎧 One of the most exciting conversationsI have heard probably ever, and one absolute dream podcast guest I should pitch because the worst that can happen is he says no. Robert Allen on the Between the Worlds Podcast talking about his upcoming book Imago, which is about art, magic, and the imagination.
Listen to it here (Spotify)
📺 The Summer I Turned Pretty. I haven’t watched S2 yet (it’s just coming out), but I loved S1 so much. It made me get back in touch with the feelings of freedom that summer used to have for me when I was younger and there was a clear demarcation in time and often space that meant adventure and expansion.
🥘 Apologies to all the readers outside of the UK but the coffee and walnut swirl from M&S. I’m not usually a sweets kind of person but that was so delectable I would definitely buy it over and over. And also, Londoners, did you know you can get proper French brioche in St Pancras station now? C'est chouette!
🖤 T H R E A D S. That’s it. That’s the vibe. I love how everyone suddenly gave themselves permission to embody the summer freedom energy instead of being stuck within the constraints of aesthetic graphics and trendy reels, and you see a lot more connection for the sake of it and less overt selling. And, of course, the TONIC cinematic universe (iykyk) with their wit and hilarious stories.
What’s been happening in my world
I went on hiatus so we’re back tomorrow with the second half of S3 of Starry Sky and Witchy Things with all the star lore of Leo and the Lion’s Gate Portal. I also have two unplanned upcoming guests that are awesome (as all my guests are) so click on that link and Podlink will help you pick your preferred platform to subscribe and be notified when those episode drops. I even have a new microphone that makes me feel all serious and professional🎙️
A vibe that’s also reflected in how I’m now the kind of person who has a coach, as I’ve been working with the amazing Taylor V from Offer Design School to dig deeper into the energetics of my (human) design. If you are a Manifestor or close to a Manifestor in your life and are not connected to her or The Manifestor Community, you should.
I’m excited to bring out some things for the Back to School Season, and they’re not all things that apply to the Londoners and close-by folks either.