This post was prompted by a comment from a reader in response to my recent post where I mentioned ‘responding from a place of who you are not what happened’. The comment said ‘I think I need a tutorial from you on this "response from the place of who I am", as I'm not sure I know where that is...”
My definition of ‘replying from the place of who you are is defining your highest values in that situation. It calls for you to define your values from time to time if you haven’t already done so.
I’m guessing some readers will want to know how one defines their values or definition of ‘values’.
First, a slightly technical (paraphrased) definition I learnt from a session with Damon Cart, a respected Neurolinguistic programming (NLP) trainer. Your values are your views/generalizations about life experiences. So for example, if as a child you frequently got sent to ‘the thinking corner’ for using foul language, as an adult you are likely to develop an aversion for everyone using ‘foul language’ and mete out some kind of disciplinary action for such where you can.
My (own) simple definition of values is what you would want said about you when you’re not there.
How I learnt to define my values?
Responding from the place of who you are may come naturally to some in challenging life situations, but I had to learn from being pushed to the wall by life experiences, repeated acted from the place of who I am not and ‘suffering’ as a consequence. I decided to look in in the mirror and decided to change because I did not like the reflection I saw.
Why respond from the place of who you are/your highest values?
The simple reason is explained by this (paraphrased) quote by an old writer that says we suffer when we don’t live according to our values. By suffering they meant you have regrets like ‘I could have handled that better or I wish I had handled that differently etc.
An example of how I defined my value in a life situation I’ll call my road use manners.
I have never been the typical road rage driver but at the same time I was told from childhood to not be a pushover. As an adult living in a place where I’ve had to conclude that traffic laws only come in play when there’s a collusion, driving was a harrowing experience until a near accident forced me to define my values around road use. About the time I was learning to define my values in life, I was driving the kids to school one morning and in fighting to not be a pushover by a driver trying to cut in front of me and I was almost hit by an oncoming truck. The incident left me badly shaken through out the day and led me to answer the following important value questions:
Question: What was my goal in driving that morning?
Response : To get the kids to school safe and early.
Question: Would allowing the driver through compromise that?
Response: No! It was a short ride and we were actually in good time.
Question: Had I endangered the kids, myself and other road users by my action?
Response: Yes
Question:
Would allowing the driver cut in front of me diminish me in anyway?
Response: No
Question: Would allowing the driver cut in front of me make us late me in anyway?
Response: No, it would have added only a few seconds to our estimated travel time.
Question: Did not allowing the driver cut in front truly make me a pushover to some random driver who would probably never remember me or the incident especially as there was no accident?
Response: No
Question: Considering the incident occurred near a hospital did I in any way consider the driver may have have been coming from the hospital and had received bad news about a loved?
Response: No.
Since the incident, I’ve been a proud pushover on the road, haven’t had any avoidable close shaves on the road, my default state is to slow down for any driver I perceive to be in a hurry and my reward has been nothing but peace on the road.
Can I now go to the mountain top and sing kumbaya now that I’ve learnt to define my values and respond from the place of who I am?
The answer is a sad but emphatic ‘No’! As any student of mindfulness would have realized and heard ad nausem, it is a work in progress and may be why it is called a mindfulness practice. You keep practicing because life will continue to throw (seeming tougher) challenges at you just as you think you’ve overcome one.
So educating
My only regret after reading this article is not coming across is a lot sooner. Inspirational as always.