The Conspiracy Chart to End All Conspiracy Charts
A Satirical Tour Through East Bay NIMBY Brainrot
There’s a new infographic circulating around the Oakland leftist listserv scene — and it’s a doozy. It calls itself the “Oakland Astroturf Network Map,” but it might as well be titled “Pepe Silvia: The Urbanist Edition.”
This technicolor wall of paranoia tries to connect every local housing advocate, moderate candidate, school reformer, and actual union (yes, really) into a vast shadowy conspiracy funded by tech billionaires, real estate barons, and presumably the ghost of Ronald Reagan.
It’s dumb. And it’s absolutely begging to be mocked.
If You’ve Ever Met a Tech Bro, You Might Be in a Vast Conspiracy
The central thesis of this chart — and I use “thesis” generously — is that if someone donated to a campaign, shared a nonprofit board at any point in the last decade, or once attended a mixer with someone who works in tech… they are part of a coordinated plot to destroy Oakland.
Example: if a tech investor gave $20K to a PAC that supported a moderate candidate, and someone else once worked for that investor’s startup? Boom — CONNECTION. Evidence of coordination. Throw it on the chart.
It’s like Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, except instead of Kevin Bacon it’s “people who want more housing.”
The Carpenters’ Union: Secret YIMBY Operatives
Nothing says “out-of-touch” quite like calling the Northern California Carpenters Union “pro-YIMBY” like it’s a slur.
You know what Carpenters do? Build things. Like… housing. You’d think that wouldn’t be controversial in a place with skyrocketing rents and a decades-long housing shortage. But to the conspiracy brain behind this map, it’s proof of corruption.
Yes, the people who swing hammers for a living are apparently doing the bidding of tech oligarchs by… wanting to build things they can get paid to build.
God forbid labor aligns with pro-housing policy.
YIMBY Action: Dark Money Boogeyman or Just People Who Think You Should Build Homes?
In classic tinfoil-hat fashion, the map devotes multiple glowing tendrils to groups like YIMBY Action, Housing Action Collation, and Abundance Network. Because nothing screams “deep state” like a group of painfully earnest millennials who think zoning reform is exciting.
Never mind that these groups disclose donors, post public endorsements, and write white papers so dry they could be weaponized. To the folks pushing this map, YIMBYs aren’t just wrong — they’re sinister.
Forget that many YIMBYs are lifelong progressives, renters, transit nerds, union members, or working-class folks who just want to live near their jobs. The map tells you they’re puppets of billionaires, because someone once got a check from someone who invested in a crypto company.
The Candidate List That Accidentally Admits They’re Losing
The infographic goes full “red string on corkboard” to connect anyone who dared run against the DSA-anointed slate.
John Bauters? Suspiciously electable.
Warren Logan? Once worked for the Mayor, so obviously part of a cabal.
Leronne Armstrong? Backed by someone with money? How dare he.
But here’s the kicker: they highlight all these candidates because they’re winning or nearly winning. The obsession with “anti-Carroll Fife” or “anti-Nikki Fortunato Bas” campaigns unintentionally reveals the actual fear: their rigid political orthodoxy is falling out of favor, and the electorate wants something else.
This isn’t a scandal. It’s democracy working.
“This Is Who We’re Fighting”: A Movement Built on Vibes, Not Policy
Which brings us to the listserv email that inspired this post. Kalimah Priforce, an Emeryville councilmember with… let’s say “a record,” proudly declared:
“For the politicians who are dubbed ‘progressives’ who aren’t named on this map, but are connected to this map — this is who we are fighting.”
Fighting what, exactly? People who want to build more housing? Support safer streets? Fund schools and teacher raises? Pass pro-labor housing legislation like SB4?
This is what happens when your politics are built on vibes, not outcomes. You start drawing lines between random donors and then pretending you’re part of the French Resistance.
And since he inserted himself into this conversation — let’s talk about Kalimah.
This is the same guy currently under investigation by the FPPC for failing to file campaign finance reports. The same guy who was reprimanded for ethics violations, can’t keep his filings straight, and has turned the Emeryville Council into a circus act.
Weirdly enough, this map lines up almost too well with the stuff he’s been ranting about for months.
He is also doing the bidding of the NIMBY lobby by signatory on the failed statewide segregation-forever ballot initiative (https://ourneighborhoodvoices.com).
Is he behind it? Maybe. Maybe not. Either way, it’s the height of irony to see someone with real, actual transparency problems cheering on a document accusing others of “shadowy influence.”
The “Real Agenda” Behind This
Let’s be honest: this map isn’t meant to inform. It’s an intimidation tactic. It’s a lazy, paranoid smear campaign targeting anyone who dares challenge the increasingly brittle ideological hegemony of Oakland’s activist left — especially if they want to build homes, fix schools, or run for office without kissing specific rings.
This is the politics of purity tests, dressed up in bad graphic design.
And it’s backfiring. Because regular people don’t look at a list of folks supporting housing, safety, and functioning city services and think, “Oh no, a conspiracy!” They think, “Wait, I actually like most of this stuff.” That’s how we have been able to grow our collations.
TL;DR: You Can’t Meme Your Way Out of a Housing Crisis
If you’re mad that voters didn’t buy your narrative, that your preferred candidates lost, that your ideology isn’t resonating anymore — that’s a you problem. Don’t build a conspiracy map. Build better ideas. Better coalitions. Hell, build a duplex.
Many of the people and orgs being smeared in this map are guilty of nothing more than trying to make cities work. You know — with housing, transportation, education, governance. The basics. The stuff that doesn’t get hearts on Instagram but actually changes lives.
What we need are results. Housing that gets built. Schools that work. Streets that are safe and accessible. Sometimes, that means forming imperfect coalitions. Working with people who don’t agree with you on everything. It’s not selling out - it’s called governing.
Share It. Screenshot It. Giggle at It.
So yeah — the map is dumb. The narrative is dumber. And the whole the thing reeks of political desperation from a faction that’s out of ideas and running out of time.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go call my landlord, my tech boss, and my shadowy crypto handler to get their approval before I hit publish.
