I’m at last wrapping up this letter from my heart to yours sitting by my freshly bought bouquet of flowers and candle light under the Pisces new moon. This beautiful setting has drawn me in enough to sit down and finish my musings at last.
I have just calculated it a couple of days ago that this year up until my birthday is ruled by the number 2 in numerology, then number 3 from then onwards. The year 2 is all about making decisions, relationships, balance… I’ve definitely had my fair share of lessons in each these past months :) Today I wanted to talk about making decisions.
I love to give myself a quote for the new year each time, to hang on to when times get rough. I told myself ‘Choose life’ for 2022. It was the year of those final, painful pushes to ‘birth’ the longest and biggest project of my life so far, my diploma. I had exams and practices and my diploma work, that felt like were suffocating me, taking up the majority of my days and energy. I felt like I had no choice.
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I was in the middle of a conversation with someone very close to my heart - on whether we ever have a choice - when it hit me. I have not only been surrendering to so many experiences of my life, but I have also allowed them to consume me. I have let my circumstances not only have an effect on me, but let what felt like, eat out parts of me and reside in my body, in my mind and take over control. Leading to physical symptoms, frustrations, anxieties, low days.
By now I clearly see that I do in fact have a choice. It might take a whole lot more courage and honesty and a radical sense of self responsibility to admit this, but I am always given the chance to choose how I experience whatever is happening.
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As you probably know by now, I love to refer back to TCM, or nature whenever I’m writing. All of the seasons have their purpose, their given role in the cycle of life - the darkness of winter, the blossoming of spring, the radiance of summer, the letting go and trees showing their true colours during autumn… While most of us do have a preferred season, we must all agree there is a certain beauty to it all, or at least, we have the choice to ;)
What if we could see our emotions, the highs and lows of our own lives as seasons? What if all of it was truly all happening for a reason, to teach us, to form us into who we are here to become? Especially the triggers, the obstacles, the injuries, the pain. What if they were our biggest catalysts for transformation?
I know this can sound like another airy fairy spiritual motto. First of all, I’m always here sharing my current experience, take what resonates, leave the rest. :) Secondly, I’m definitely not suggesting here to always feel positive. In fact, quite the opposite, I’m remind myself to dare to feel it all.
Choosing life might after all mean this to me, choosing to live it all, fully.
I’m still learning to discern when and how to give my all to feel it all. I’ve realised that a lot of my ‘suffering’ has been rooted in not allowing myself to dwell in the experience, not giving it enough space to take form in me, to get familiar with its shape, feeling, texture… Rather I’d try to shove it down, crash it, suppress it. No wonder it would come bubbling up through my body, my emotions or my racing anxious thoughts.
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The other day I had nausea forcing me on the bathroom floor - a feeling I have become so familiar with around 7 years ago. Waking up in the middle of the night with crippling nausea, without the ability or the need to throw up. My body has been bursting from emotions I have been swallowing down, too scared to actually chew on, digest, transmute. This time again, my physical body had nothing to get rid of. My emotional/energetic body did.
The difference this time was that I knew, I have called in this experience. I have been diving deeper than ever into the deep waters of my subconscious mind as I’ve decided to give my all to being self employed (more on this another time). This time I knew I had the choice, to go all in. Feel it. Embrace it. Thank it. Take the lessons. Then decide to move on. Decide to let it go.
It still took me a while to get back on my feet, to drink some water and calm myself down, but the pride I felt for feeling it all, with all the memories, the shame, the fears, made it a whole different experience. Then I went all in on my self care - as I have mastered it so well in the turmoil of these past years. Running hot water in the bathtub, lighting a candle, an incense, making myself some tea.
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All in all, life will always keep handing us lemons. We get to decide to taste them, feel them, take in their bright yellow colour. They make pretty good lemon pie or lemonade or whatever you wish once they are processed - same goes for feelings, see them for the gifts they are, especially the though ones, and remember, they make very good pies, if you know how to bake them.
Have a beautiful start to this season full of emotions, this season of Pisces. And remember, we do have a choice. Choose life. Go all in.
Love,
Zsófi